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(written 12/04/2008) Title "Cheap Slut" Anna, she's one hell of a big bitch. She doesn't seem to take care of her kids. I had to wake her up a shitload of times for her to leave for work at least 5 minutes before it was time for her to be there. She was lazy, didn't take care of herself, and acted like a fucking no talking bitch. I basically had to take over running the bills because she was an idiot. She lied about various things that "she owned". I had to fix a ton of things. I basically rearranged the house and put stuff to make it easier for us. I basically took care of our two dogs, as well as the dog that wasn't ours. I would pay the gas the bitch mom would basically rip us off of. She let her kids get talked to like shit by her fucking loser parents. She didn't do anything in her life to stand up for them. Pretty pathetic that I had to stand up for them. I left her because she was basically a carlesss lazy bitch. Never took care of her health. Made herself go into various debts. Which I pointed out when she had time to pay them. Spent money on dumb ass shit for no fucking reason. I had to make sure she took her medication and check her blood sugar levels. She was so lazy, she wouldn't wake her kids up for school. They basically fixed their own breakfast and went to the stop for the school bus. She also let her oldest son hang out with a bitch that basically gave him terrible ideas and blammed him for all of the shit like her useless parents did. She would call her oldest son to make sure he gave the younger brother his meds. She wouldn't get out of bed. She watched tv, played on myspace, and basically stitched. I wanted the little things. Of course, she didn't know a fucking god damn thing about love. She wrote love letters to guys from way back that she never sent them. She used the same paragraphs from time to time on me when she would write. She would write to friends basically using the same lines that she met the man of her dreams and stuff. Basically a headcase. My god did I fix up that house and she was such a bitch she didn't know a single word on how to stop me from leaving. I remember the exact date of which I left. It is pathetic. She was a waste of my time and a useless bitch I tried so hard to save our relationship. I never wanted to leave those kids. She never visited this website. God damn pathetic. I will write later on other shit. yahoo: paranchad msn: imcnote@hotmail.com icq: 2676927 aim: 2676927 well bye for now! |
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(written 7/17/2007) hey there, just catching up here. missing contact with a lot of old internet friends and such. the transmission on my moms van has been dead for a while. it finally was fixed and is working today. thursday i am going to the madd victim inpact panel. and then friday is my sisters 26th bday. this september is my grandparents 60th wedding anniversay. its amazing how long they have been married. so beautiful. i only wish i could find the same in my life. but i am not sure if it will ever happen. there is two of my friends that got seperated from my internet messengers. we didn't agree on a couple things and i wish we could chat somehow again. also, i am looking for old friends. here is my messengers: yahoo: paranchad msn: imcnote@hotmail.com icq: 2676927 aim: 2676927 well bye for now! |
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(written 10/12/2006) Hey K, I hadn’t heard from you since my last email. So I assume it’s ok to email once again. If it does bother for me to email you just tell me. I don’t mind. I just wanted to keep you up to date on everything. Ethan hit his 10 month mark on the 9’th of this month. Which means 2 more months until he turns 1 year old. Wow, time passes so fast with children. It’s scary. I have been trying to get my mind on track. I mostly just been in a mood of wanting to stay home and just relax all the time. Plus the town is getting more over flood with businesses. It’s crazy. New ones are popping up all the time. There must be close to 20 check places. Which when people write a check to get a loan. The place charges over 60 bucks at some places. Specially when the loan isn’t high. My sister is doing great. She and her husband are struggling with bills pretty bad. My mom has finalized the divorce. She will get $250 a month. Which I think is bullshit. She gave my dad her half of his business when she got married. My dad never asked for her to ever give it back. Then problem after problem that this guy gave her. She only gets that low amount for a business that could pull in more for her. She is in her mid 50’s with very little work experience. Being a female, in 50’s, and no work experience. She ain’t going to be considered for anything. My dad is doing good. I really haven’t been to his house in months. I just can’t bring myself to go there. I don’t feel right anymore. I can’t go over there to just visit my dad. It’s like, I want to spend time with him and the others talk to him and keep bothering us. It’s fucked up. I am his son and I want to visit him. They see him all day every day. It hurts. When we are alone. Because of his past, he has a lot of time talking to a son/family member. Well, I am doing ok baby. I miss more then anything is someone to hold in bed before sleep. Kissing and making love. I miss that. Thanks for listening babes. Take care until my next email ;) Love Always, Chad |
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Chad Michael Mallett P.O. Box 499 Jennings, La 70546 Email: purg@xpurgatoryx.com February 18, 2002 The Honorable Roy Barnes Governor of Georgia 203 State Capitol Atlanta, GA 30334 Dear Sir: I am writing this letter pleading with you for the life of a man with Schizophrenia. I know you probably do not have any cares or concerns for who I am or what I am about. Nevertheless, I do believe the next 5 minutes is my right to tell you what I need done. What my people need done. See when I speak of my people I do not speak of white or black people. I speak of people with pain. People who are suffering from mental illnesses. Sir take your worst day and multiply it by ten. Now try living that day for over a decade. Welcome to my life. You are now in my world. Now that you are in my world, I will take you for a journey. I have been wanting to die non-stop for over 10 years. I pray to God himself that he would take my life. I sometimes fear that God is punishing me. Whether he is or not. I still need to look out for my brothers or sisters. I am not talking about immediate family. I am talking about my brothers and sisters of pain. People that cry with me. That cut their arms to relieve the tension. People that hang themselves. People that cry because they don’t know what the hell to do anymore. Do you even know what that means Sir? Please read up on us. Learn about us before you take this man’s life into your hand. You are probably wondering what his name is. I will tell you. My brother, dad, uncle, godfather, friend’s name is Alexander William. This guy is dedicated to my life the same as I am to his. No I do not know him personally. I just know him that damn good for him to be my friend. My loved one in this world of hell we both share. I want you to do me a favor. If you do this write back to me and tell me how you feel. Go see “A Beautiful Mind”, go see “I Am Sam”, then for sure watch “A Caveman’s Valentine”. If your heart does not learn what we are about by then. Well then, I wasted a decade of my life crying and wanting to die. I do not know what else to tell you. Yes I do. Free Alexander William. Please god help him. Sincerely, Chad Michael Mallett Chad Michael Mallett SSI Recipient |
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(written 4/5/2007 to Lisa) Hey Lisa, Just writing you a letter to send to your email addy. I will try to talk about my life as much as I remember. Well at age 10 I wanted to just die. I remember the exact moment. I was standing in the door way looking into my room and just feeling like it wasn’t worth it. Later on things were ok. I was showing signs of OCD really bad. I had all the symptoms of the rituals of OCD. It was extremely bad. I thought my family would die if I didn’t do what was in my mind. Well, I will talk about other things. In Orlando, Florida when I was first trying college. It was a dream community in Orlando. I was in a beautiful place. Everyone loved their jobs and were so friendly. They would talk to you in such a beautiful and peaceful way. One time I was looking for a spaghetti sauce. I was looking and they had a box boy stocking shelves. He saw me and asked what I was looking for. I told him the brand and such. I thought you’d tell me the isle number, but he looked up and down with me 6 or 7 isles. I was like damn, no one does that back home. I seriously didn’t know what to say. I told him, thank you so much man. I appreciate that a lot. The people there, no matter how shitty a job they had, they loved it. Here, if someone doesn’t make a certain amount they think its bull shit. The only places here are fast foods for people with no experience in secretary, legal, and other office work. So they bitch and complain they don’t get hired. I can understand, but you got to have what you have. I’d love to work, I can’t even think of how many jobs I tried. I went and left 5 colleges. I never was kicked out or failed out. I just left because of heavy suicidal thoughts. It hurt me so bad, I just would watch these people complain making $10 a hour here, I couldn’t believe it. That’s a lot of money here and I would have a beautiful house and help my family when they’d need it. I will stop for now, but I will write more. I am sorry. Got to fix stuff and try to get out of the house for a bit. Love and miss ya today. Let me know how things go. Love, Chad Michael Mallett |
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April 16th, 2007 Monday 8:52pm today feels ok, not much to really talk about. i went bought a small fan for my pc. i bought some food and such. bought some for sister, ethan, the new baby, and mom. we got a can opener for my sisters new house. a heat patch for my neck to try out. i bought some shorts from goodwill. i also worked for an hour to go through a ton of clothes i had. i will call CADA tomorrow to see where i can drop off the clothes. it's in 3 huge bags, like 80 gallon bags. i also have a small box of the kids uniforms for school and such. i will clean out my room more tomorrow. also i sent back a replacement part for my computer. the cd/dvd writer drive wasn't working for the cd's. they sent me a replacement which is a better model then the old one. so i installed it and it worked way better. they fedex'd me the label to send them the old one in the box. so i wouldn't have to pay for it. so i dropped it off today. i also went to check on my storage building to see if i had some coolers for my sisters food. to help her out and such. ethan got some wagon time in a radio flyer new age wagon my mom and me bought him for easter. wow he loves it. when i pull him, he has to have his rocks. so he can throw them over the sides,lol. he is really getting addicted to me more and more. like he constantly wants me to hold him more then anyone else. if he is crying from pain, he comes to me. if he wants something he comes straight to me. i never seen this in him. it makes me feel so amazing. that my little man wants to hang out with his paran! |
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4/15/2007 sunday 7:21pm just feel good, my chest feels really alive and healthy. my heart is beating slower. everything feels fine with me right now. i spent all day online. only went out once. cleaned out a ton of clothes right now for some cada kids. i will go through some older shirts to get rid of for winter and summer. i will also give some shoes i don't wear as much. i hear the moms are moving out slowly back into the world and need help with appliances. they are abused women and children. right now i can only help the boys. i put a couple purses i bought for the girls a while back. i buy when i can. i don't really tell anyone about it. its just something i do. i got a thank you card not long ago. i cried. it was really amazing to me. i will frame it soon. i will cut it in half so the front and back can be read. i will hang it over my bed to remind me every night and morning that somewhere and somehow the world will get better. or at least there will be a lot more help for as many as we can. you don't need to be in an organization to do. you can just do what you can for as many as possible. buy non refrigerated food to give to homeless and the needy. buy xmas presents on sale so you can get many for xmas, so little kids can have a bit of something. clothes for families who lost everything. just look at whats going on around us. there is cure for these things. we can fix this. there are scienctists out there doing the curing for us. we help raise the money, but we can also help the ones with the cure already there. the people who you can extend a hand to. when someone falls, put your hand out. they may never take it no matter how many times you extend it. but they will see someone that they don't know does that. they will see that and know someone who doesn't know them has that hand ready. they may do the same someday. you never know. i have some major bipolar, rapid. i have depression. and with meds constantly changing it gets nerve wrecking. i mean with the problems mentally i already have and the meds changing my moods, trying to cure them, while also changing them around. it makes life hard. its a life sentence. i am scared to fall in love and marry a female. basically for the fact i don't want her to see me laying down depressed. or just frustraded for no reason. i cannot provide much for the income. but i can provide a heart when it works...i might take a break from writing this so i can go outside and breathe in the air. maybe take my dog out. go walk to a store to buy some products i need. its a bit cool out there. but i don't have much of a ride right now. i want to get a bike. just something basic that doesn't have much to it. you know? just a simple thing. with a carrying bag on it when i need to go to the mail, grocery store, pharmacy, and to get cleaning products and such. it would also be the exercise time. so i can get two shots in one. cookie can also pull me sometimes. she is about 12/13 pounds or so, but she can get some muscle and such. maybe she can pull the bike and my 175 pound big ass. also when i try to barely hold the brake on her. just to get her you know, tougher and shit. make her a hardcore dawg. she needs to powerup to front some other dogs. |
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4/14/2007 Saturday past 7pm my chest is hurting so bad right now. people wanted me to start writing again so here it goes. i just don't want to live in this town anymore. i am shutting life here from me for good. i am taking everything i have been "given" from my "family" and throwing it in the trash. the pain inside is so unbareable. i do not know what to do about this. i cannot breathe and its getting to where i can't even get the right taste in my mouth. like its just acid. my heart is racing. my hands are cold from walking almost a mile home. yeah they are a cold sweat. my eyes feel frozen from the tears i am trying to let loose. my nose is wet from the wet air we have in this state. throat is still in the state of screaming and soar as hell. i am not wanting suicide anymore. i want happiness. thats all i want. a fresh start away from here. i just want to leave. this place is slowly killing me. if i don't leave my health will give out. i seem to go get checked on blood levels for stuff they see in me with problems and such. they all come back good. nothing wrong. but i tend to be sent often. almost every other month. i just want to cry myself to sleep and wake up somewhere in a peaceful place. where people aren't so critizing like here. i take my anger a lot out on the people i talk to on the net. but god, this is my only life i ever knew. this computer, this pc world is my only family. from the music, to videos, to website, to icq, aim, msn, and yahoo. nothing else has come close to my life. nothing here i enjoy. i cannot afford $20 on gass and $7 total to go see a movie. thats from my town to there and back. nature here is getting full of businesses. the parks are overrun with people from new orleans and new families. no where to go to just be alone with my thoughts. not even my own house, yard. i cannot afford a vehicle. i can't afford parts if it breaks down, i cannot afford massive gas prices. i can't afford paying for it. i am thinking of selling a small film camera i been wanting for years just to have that money to escape from this place for good. to go some places when the sun rises it feels like the best day of my life...everyday. when the sunsets i thank god for that day and what will come next. i cut out my xmas's with my family. i am cutting out all family events. i will not go into that world anymore. my god, its hurting so bad. i just can't put myself into pain this way. i don't hurt them. they hurt me and i react then they freak out and start yelling at me like i was the one that totally did it all. i am the trash. i am the fuck up. specially when i never did drugs, never smoked, never drank, never wrecked a car, never been in jail, never got involved in the police being called on me, never "spread my legs" for every piece of shit in this town. i know some one that checks on my site no matter how many times we fall out. i just want to tell that person i hope the best in life and don't give up. you picked up and you are walking through the burdened path to heaven. i am walking away from the place that tears a piece of my soul away each day. all i have left is my crumbled black heart. each day it dies. each day it goes towards to the blackness. i will never take my life. know that. i have not felt this way since my last journal entry and look at when that was. take it for who i am. take it for how i acted when the meds weren't right for me. take it for the highs and lows of bipolar. take it from the defensive mechanism of love. take it from depression. take it from paranoia. take it from someone that has never really had much human conact in his whole life. take it for everything you can take. thank you. chad |
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01/29/06 Sunday You know, I feel like crying so bad. My chest hurts and shit. I don't know what to honestly do anymore. I can't handle this psychical pain I have inside of my body. It goes from my shoulders, to back, to forearms, to chest, sides, and legs. I don't understand what it is seriously. I know Depression can cause psychical pain. But it never has had happen to me in the past or now. So I don't believe thats the problem. I seriously am facing reality here. I don't want to live past 30 years old. This February on the 22nd I will turn 27. That's three years for something to change. I am not saying this is a suicide note or letter or anything. I am just saying. I don't want to go on with my life in the same way. I try all the fucking time to change. I tried writing scripts/screenplays. From short to long. No one in this shithole of Jennings, Louisiana wants to work with me because of my beliefs. Not religious beliefs. Other beliefs. They all know I am mentally ill and don't want to have anything to do with me because of it. Hell they have pushed me out of charities I have helped with. From helping dogs, to helping people that are poor, to helping terminally ill people. It's funny, they won't up to the shit. But they do it. I seriously hate just about every piece of shit in Jennings, Louisiana. Ethan, my new nephew and godson, is the only one I love. He's my little guy. He smiles and laughs when I joke with him. I do not wish this kid seeing me when he gets older. I do not wish for him to see me hurting. He doesn't need that in his life. I sometimes feel like crying so hard, but it's like something is not letting me. It hurts so bad not to cry. I been working out heavily. I am up to 200lbs and I am 6 feet tall. I am and not built or anything. I am just a solid cajun mother fucker. I don't know what to do with my life anymore. I need someone to talk to. I don't want someone preaching to me about a religious bs. I just want someone to talk to. My real email address is below. On the past pages I had the email address cnote@rocketmail.com, but that email address was shut down a long time ago. It's very difficult to go change the email addy on every one of these pages. Just email me if you want to chat. I am always gonna reply. But if you are gonna be a bitch. Then it's your fucking soul for hire. Got it? Bye for now. -goodbye- -chad- |
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12/29/05 - Thursday - 9:10am Still hurting emotionally inside. Well not much to say here really. I am single. Sometimes I am looking sometimes I am not. I have been volunteering tons over the past year. I have donated tons of really expensive clothes I have to three charities. As well as a walkman, a sega system, nintendo 64 games, computer software, sega games, cds, and other items. I have also bought over 30 school uniforms for the children whose parents can only afford a couple. I bought all kinds of sizes and helped out a lot of the children. I have donated to two homeless shelters in Lake Charles. I helped with people that are terminally ill. I have helped bigtime with MADD/Mothers Against Drunk Drivers. I have helped with the animal pound. As well as putting together broken bikes that I have purchased with my own money. I have fixed up swing sets for children. As well as other stuff. I have bought $50 worth of toys at Dollar Tree and then turn around and donated them in their bin for toys for tots. I was planning on doing $200. But Ethan came along and I spent some money on him. When I go to the movie theatre in Lake Charles. I go early and walk around the mall. I buy stuff. Any change I get I put in a collection they take for children in need. I then go to the theatre buy my ticket and go to the arcade. Sometimes I will see some kids with no quarters and not so good clothing playing on the games and I give them handfuls of quarters. It's weird, they do not wish to take them. I tell them don't worry about it. I had them in my pocket and my movie is about to start. Then I tell them have fun. And they say thank you sir. Well thats all the good news. Lately I have been so depressed, angry, and emotionally sad. I am hurting all over. I am constantly not wanting to do anything with my life. I just want to give up. I look at old journal entries and I remember them so well. The people I mention, the pain, the talks and such. It changes so rapidly. I feel like time is catching up on me. Although in my weight I have passed up 200lbs. Which was a HUGE goal I always wanted. I am 6 foot. So I am a big boy now. I am thinking about selling the camera and using the money to pay off my loans. I do not use it anymore. And hell it's a dream anyways. I could delete everything I ever wrong in some folders on my pc and not care. I could torth my poetry books and all my notebooks. Well I am gonna go for now. I am gonna go wash my face and workout. -goodbye- -chad- |
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10/29/04 - Friday I seriously don't want to live. Life is unliveable now. I don't know what to say really anymore. I can't stand living. I have decided to go off medication and to stop seeing Nurse Cindy. Being on Medications for over 5 years hasn't changed a damn thing. All it's caused is mixed emotions. If I go off medication and it's worse, well I hope I do something that will send me to jail for the rest of my life. Because I will keep doing stuff until I get the death penalty. I am tired of living. No one cares about me. No one loves me. Fuck you all. If you did care. Then where are you? When I am sitting alone in my goddamn room for days at a time. Not doing anything. Not going anywhere. It turns into weeks and maybe months. If I could overdose I would, but that thing that stops me. It isn't there anymore. I think the only reason I don't overdose is because if I don't do it right I will have to deal with all new shit. I don't feel good at all. I am sad throughout this whole day. And my bitch of a sister picked a fight with me. So we beat the shit out of each other. Then she picked another fight with me and we beat the shit out of each other again. I beat her pretty good. But not enough. And then just a little while ago I called to go hang out with them to have something to do. She cocks an attitude about me and says shit. So hung up on that bitch. I called her back and told her to watch her back tomorrow. Mom won't be around to save her if she starts acting bitchy to me. I will fucking seriously put that bitch in the hospital. She is the start of everyone of you mother fuckers. I am done with all of you. I am tired of everything you do to me and have done to me. Now and in the past. The future looks like shit because of you fuckers. I don't need any of you anymore. I seriously don't. I will find ways to do films with just me and my camera. And I will find someone actually worth something in life. I met a young lady tonight. She's very sexy and beautiful. Sweet as hell. And asked me to come and dance a couple times. So I did. She's 20 and about to be 21 in November. So thats cool as hell. I hope to meet up with her again. I found out where she hangs out at and I plan on going there tomorrow. Unless I feel like I am useless again. I am gone. Fuck you all. goodbye. -chad- |
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10/08/04 - Friday Well happy to see me? I'm not. It's about 4pm and I finally am writing in here and this will be a long one. I might stop and restart later. The deal is...well here's all the shit. I had my 25th birthday. I made it past the night without killing myself. I have my camera, a brand new computer, an editing program for movies, and a light set. I have a tripod as well. I got highly suicidal one night and decided I'd go to the mental hospital. So I went. I stayed there about five days and came out pretty shakened up. It was bad. I lost all feeling and was numb. I am finally back on the right track and handling things ok. I am feeling like shit for the most part. I don't know. I feel like ending my life. Well my I got three tattoos and a piercing, then a repiercing. I got a tattoo of the outline of the superman symbol with "Hero" written in Japanese in the middle of it. I will have a picture soon. I also was going to be an uncle. Yes Amanda was pregnant but the deal is she lost the baby. It happened so quickly. Long story on that part. It wasn't a good situation. I still wish the baby would have lived. I was going to be the babies godfather. He or she whatever it may have been would have been loved more then anything by me. I loved the baby. We will find out next week if she was pregnant or not. Which she most probably was. So pray for her. You know? Today I am hanging up the baby mobile I bought her in my room. I haven't decided yet where though. I want to see it everytime I walk in my room. Well a couple days ago I got two big black X's tattooed on the back of my hand. For my sXe days. I am still Straight Edge Vegan. And I think Straight Edgers that aren't Vegans are posers and pieces of shit. They don't deserve to be called Straight Edge and I'd be willing to meet anyone of them on the street. Anytime, anyday, and health problems will go away. Fucker. Well I got my labret pierced before I went into the mental hospital and had to take the piercing out. Then it healed. So a couple days ago I went got it repierced. When I got my X's, I went had my sisters belly button pierced. I might be getting a job soon. Which I am hoping will be good and all. If not, fuck it. I really don't have much care anymore. Well I will end this right here. Bye all and thanks for everything. Specially all those fucking emails you never sent. Mother fuckers. Fuck you all. I hate you people so much. goodbye -chad- |
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02/09/04 - Monday Age 17, about 8 years ago I made a pack....a pack with the devil. What could it be you ask? Well this is a story that make strike fear into what you believe to be a normal guy if you don't know me. If you do know me, this will not suprise you. I was 17 years old. I didn't know I was CLASSIFIED as mentally ill, but I knew something was wrong. I just didn't know what. I tried so hard to fight to stay alive. Staying to myself, being alone all the time, and just trying to be me. Later on we got the internet and my day time turned to nights. Where I'd stay up from 5pm in the afternoon until about 8am. I'd be a night person and would love it. I hated all of you. I seriously did. Things just didn't get answered for me. No one understood me. I was in pain. I wanted to slice my wrists, blow my brains out, or overdose. Maybe the best way if possible was to go to sleep and not wake up. Now that I set a small picture for you. You now know there was some shit. Now the story. Age 17....I made a deal with myself. At age 25 if I didn't complete this two year film school I was going to, I didn't get married, I didn't have kids or adopt, and I didn't have a job....well it would ....all end. I'd take my life at midnight on my 25th birthday. I bet your wondering why is he pussying out? Well then you never seen the Good Charlotte video "Hold On". There's a saying up there for the people that are alive and haven't killed theirselves yet. It's titled at the bottom of the screen "Still Here". Damn fucking right. I am still here. I ain't all that happen. Family life could be better. Ain't got any kids. No job. No girlfriend or wife. But what keeps me going? The everlasting love for my mother, father, and sister. Thats what keeps me going. Bambam too :) Well I am trying guys. I am fighting it all. I am. It gets worse and worse. Lots of problems everywhere. Things go wrong for me all the time. Now a 5 time college drop out turned into a "fuck you! you never even tried to go to college!". haha. I like saying that to people. I guess I at least had the balls to try it 5 times. Well I am gonna go. I am coughing and stuff. -goodbye- -chad-michael-mallett- Ps. Thanks to Amanda, Mom, and Dad.... |
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01/28/04 - Wednesday Shit whats happening now? I don't know what the fuck to say. Really I don't. Life throws me tricks and shit all the time. Wondering what would happen if I stopped my medication. Would they throw me in the bin? OR would I be normal? I will never know, because It's about $9 a pop. Know what I mean? Well anyways....No girlfriend....no fucking love....no family caring....just blame. That's all. I try to live in my mind, but it haunts me. It takes away from my love's and leaves me with nothing. Not even a good time. I'm still Straight Edge, Vegan, and sometimes believe in God or whatever. Fuck it, I should blow my brains out and pain your walls you mother fuckers. But what would you do? "So so, to bad". End of story. They are watching me. Not letting me have a gun. Good job. Like I'd use a .22 anyways. I have been questioning life, but haven't been suicidal really. I don't know what to call it. Suicidal wishes? I don't know anymore. The pain right in the middle of my chest is a big ball. Not anything like my heart, but mainly like a big power that does not want to embrace me in a good way, but a bad one. You see what I am getting at. Well if I was to talk into Hollywood, have it all set up, and get ready to direct. I just know the gun would go off inside me and splatter my brains everywhere. You would only understand that if you knew the real me. And does anyone?.....no. Well....I feel like crying right now. Infact I am starting to tear up a bit. Like it's gonna rain down my face. But yet. I hold it back in and pill back the layers. Actually I just felt a tear. It hurt too. Haven't cried in a while. Well the tears stopped and hear comes to anxiety. Shit. I hate whatever life I was given. I can't complain sometimes though. Because there is just enough to pull me out the ground. But sometimes I can complain about all this shit. Ok enough of that. The purest thing in life? What do I know about it? Well thats a hard question and an easy fucking answer for me. Love. Thats all I think about. My love for my sister, mother, and father. My love for a girl that I never will ever meet probably. I will be alone for a while. I know I will. Life is to fucking hard for me. No one wants in on the deal. Plus I am poor. Who wants this poor guy? Plus I am ugly, stupid, mentally ill, and left undone. I don't want to be down on myself. It's just a bunch of facts. You know? Fuck, I am going. -goodbye- -chad- |
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11/30/03 Sunday Let's talk about something other then the thing above. That's some pretty powerful feelings up there. It must have been painful for me. I know I will never forget there is no real family xmas anymore. Man it's fucked up the way life deals you cards. The way you have feelings about certain things. The way life just drops you onto the cement from ten feet off the ground. Onto other things. I got that "glowing" feeling the other day. This one was wild. I was talking to a girl that hated me basically. Or strongly disliked me in her words. On ICQ. Well she sure felt different about me after I said every romantic thing on my mind to her. She was happy. REAL happy. But Ash, don't think it was because of that mental illness feeling. It was still me. I just focused everything into you. Not writing movie scripts. Which I could have pulled off some serious writing time and got some great shit down. I seriously brought you the whole bowl. Before Thanksgiving this year my mom and I had a little fight. I told her that I was tired of her always offering to cook for my sister and never trying to find anything vegan for me. She just didn't understand. So for Thanksgiving she cooked me a meatless Lasanga. I kinda got their early and she was making it as a surprise. She told me she understood how I felt and that she was sorry. I felt so good about it. I was so thankful for her and for that for Thanksgiving. A day of truly giving thanks. Thank you mom... -goodbye- -chad- |
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Surviving - 10/26/03 - Sunday Carmen, sexy and sweet...my turning point. Carmen, she's sweet and sexy. I will probably never see her again. Maybe I will and maybe I won't. I don't see anyone missing me if I was to end my life. Yet if I was to move they'd all of a sudden miss me? That's fucked up shit. I don't see any of you being anywheres in my heart in the future. I am tired of all this bullshit and I'm not afraid to say it. Everyone is stuck up each other's ass it's so sad. I have no friends. I have nothing. You think I call you my friend? Nope. Everyone's getting stoned to death and thats all I see. You seem so proud. You seem so happy. I'm not though. Why don't you care about me? Because I am always on self pity? Of course I pity myself. I pity anyone that wants to end their own life and that has to live like this. I am worthless. I am nothing. I am dieing inside and no one knows it, but me...which is true. You fuckers don't know me no more. Do you ask about my mental illness? Have you tried to learn about it? NO! You haven't. You ask my fucking mom. Who gives a shit what she really says anyways? She only preaches what NAMI says. They are fake and uncaring. They are a giant pill company dishing out candy to all the little kids. Meaning yall. And my mom. I am moving to L.A.. No not Louisiana. To Los Angeles. And I might not come back. Unless there is movie work. Or I decide to see you worthless pieces of shit. Want to beat me up? So fucking what? I don't care. I will fight back. I will whip your fucking asses. I am tired of this life and what the great god has dealt out to me. It's the end real soon. The end of all of you. Because I will see smog and a new sky. And you will see nothing. Not a damn thing. Why do you all cry? When your nothing but fucking useless trash? I am the one that should cry. I have real pain. I am pain. You all use me and then throw me away. Fuck you all. Fuck you all to hell. I am tired of it. goodbye. -chad- |
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Surviving - 10/05/03 - Sunday You are probably wondering what the title means. Well it won't be totally explained in this journal entry. It will take time of me talking about it. Flagstaff, Arizona is a dream for me. It's like the perfect town. It's amazing. I passed through it with my dad and loved everything in it. I hope to make a trip up there by myself and have time to just sit back and look around. Maybe "she" is there. Nothing is great, but ditch hunting. Going down the road and shooting at people's ditches. Just blowing up ditches is fun. I love me some ditch hunting. Don't tell anyone it's me! I will probably get sued for shooting the ditches with the kids in them and the chickens. Poor chickens, but damn. Just kidding about ditch hunting, the children, and the chickens. I am on a bipolar high. Fuck it. I don't know whats going on anymore. Amanda could have spent time with me in prison for contributing to minors. Alcohol that is. I didn't buy it and neither did Amanda. They sold it to underage kids in a vehicle with us. They were like 19, 18, and 20. So it was still wrong in my opinion. Being a Straight Edger and a proud member of MADD I didn't want to be around that anymore. I told them I thought alcohol was for the weak minded. They all shut up. Good for them. They are so tough. Where's my ass beating guys? LOL Bunch of pussies out there for what they stand for. Be a man. Get a job. But see I don't have a job. Thats for mental reasons. So fuck them for not having mental reasons and not working. Assholes. I am not scared. That's my baby sister they are with. Something about a necktie sounds nice for them. I ain't sure. Enough of them. I seriously want to die. I want to press a button and end my life. It's to the point I don't care if my family will miss me. What about my feelings? I should live this way for them? Fuck that. I ain't gonna kill myself. I just want to really badly. An easy way. Shit. No therapist is worth a shit to me. None. Unless they been through the hell I call my life. I deal with myself and make myself more unhappier, more paining in the heart, and more death toward my entire life. I got a headache. Let me go take some medicine. brb. Ok I am back. I took one of my medications. Like it will help anyways. I am pretty much radical with all feelings. I sometimes think I got cancer. Like it's a fear or a wish. I feel bad for everyone that had cancer, but this is me. So don't think of it as bad shit. I feel like I don't have a best friend anymore. I don't have anyone really. I am all alone in this world. I should just move to New Orleans. There is a NAMI Chapter in New Orleans that offers housing and so much treatment. But it's also three hours away. So fuck. Should I leave my family and go to some place I have no idea about. Or should I say fuck it and just go. I am gonna go for now. Thanks. Goodbye. Chad. goodbye -chad- |
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Surviving - 09/07/03 - Sunday Wild expressions... To be on tv or to not be on tv. Is my idea of shit happening to me right now. No one gives a shit about my movie career. No one fucking cares, but me and I am starting to not care. Sure I will continue to fight my illnesses and go to AOC(Acadiana Open Channel) and do shit, but fuck. I am left all alone in my world. Who here wants to help the poor little boy that is mentally ill? NO ONE! No one wants to help me. I am buy myself in a cold dead world. With nothing to block out the baddies. I hate life. Goodnite and sweetdreams for now. -goodbye- -chad- |
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Surviving - 08/29/03 - Friday First off I stopped my medication a couple weeks ago and restarted it the other day. I also dropped out of college for the second time in about 2 years. Wow I am so good at life. Fuck. This was written: September 26th, 2001 First passage since 9-11 Well I written a passage or entry the other day and completetly deleted it after a couple hours of thinking. It was harsh. I wanted to kill myself. I seriously did, but I wouldn't have. I don't believe in it for myself. I do believe in higher powers and heaven. God and love. Justice and Peace. Well the last two aren't always here. Well pretty much never hear really. I give peace and don't get shit in return. I hate it. I won't say I hate life unless I get pissed off while writing this. Tonight is the night I will make a decision. Whether to kick some fucking ass in this world while nearly killing myself every second. Or to just be a lame old asshole and sit in my apartment. And pretty much not do anything. Like I been doing. BUT I have been trying to burst that bubble that sets forth over me. I been mostly trying to pop it every night. It's a hard life. I tell you that. You don't meet anyone that understands. Not even doctors and therapists. Their answers for everything brutal is "STRAIGHT TO THE HOSPITAL". Wow thanks doctor. I really appreciate you helping me. To tell the truth is to kill something. To lie is to sooth a nation. What am I doing everytime I write these? I am killing off pieces of my family's heart. I am dieing to each time. I just sit here listening to sad music while on my pc. PC stands for personal computer. The thing you're probably staring at right now unless your in an office. Man things are tough. Always wondering. I am tired and it's only 9:22pm. That's fucked up. I used to go to bed at 7am. The last month or so it was like 11:30pm. Then before that 3am. That 7am stuff happened a while back. Before you knew me. The real me. Am I scarey? I actually scared off some people with my talks on the net. It wasn't my fault. I was speaking the truth about myself. And it's not my fault there is so many close minded fucks in this world. Well I will go for now. I am tired and waiting for some. She might not show up. -goodbye- -chad- |
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Surviving - 08/18/03 - Monday BamBam, Bambi is deaf. She has been deaf for a couple months now. I am kinda sad about it. It means another day closer. I mean she can't even hear me say "I Love You" or "Goodnite Baby". It's sad and stuff. (typed August 22, 2001) Geez where do I start? I emailed a private site about doing amatuer porn. Not for myself, but for other people. I would film it and that's all there is to talk about that. Could it be going against sXe? Or could it just be something else. I am gonna run my lines for my script. Know anyone locally that can play an 18 19 year old girl or guy. Someone that can act and show drama like no one else? I need someone to run lines with. And set up camera angles. Fuck I need to do this film soon. I am tired of all this bullshit waiting. I am tired of not having someone to do films with. No one is helping. Or making a fucking effort to help. "Oh yeah this will be cool" don't mean shit to me mother fuckers. I want action not some bullshit talk about how this is cool. I ain't some fucking highschool kid or some dead beat stoner. I ain't some fucking hippie. And speaking of hippies I don't know whether I rather beat up a wigger or a hippie more. I think a hippie. Shit the talk is flowing tonight. I just told Erin I liked her as a friend, but I always wondered what it'd be like to kiss her. It's the truth. Why hide it? Hell I want to kiss some females I meet, but how many damn times can you actually tell them. I figured society is weighing heavy on me. The perfect gurl seems to always be what I fall in love with. Until she messes up, then it's out the window. No, I don't trash the bitch. Well sometimes I do. I guess I am an asshole then. So to all you feminazi's out there: "Suck this white american males cock!". And I bet they'd like it. Damn they have some good music and some shitty music playing tonight on the radio. I am listening to 102.1. It's a good station. A Mixture of everything basically. "I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time". That's a good line in this song thats playing on the radio. I'd like to illegally download the mother fucker. Know what I mean? The no cursing thing lasted a short while. I wish I didn't curse. I mean it's a sign of weakness. Because look who does it all the time. Suicidal people, depressed people, bullies, and posers. Cutters can't forget about you. I used to fucking hate you cutters, until I understood our pain was real. All of ours. No I am not a cutter. I met a couple. It's a bad world out there brothers and sisters. I don't really care for spics that much. I know that will lose a couple people. But for the first time I seen one that was mentally ill and I thought "that's my fucking brother". Not the mexican guy, but the guy inside him. It was a soul, not a color, not a race, and not anything else. I just deleted a line out of here. I am a pussy. By tomorrow I won't remember what it said. So forget about asking me. I don't totally say everything on here. Well goodnite. Ending this early. Back is hurting and getting tired. Later babes and dudes. goodbye -chad- |
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Surviving - 08/10/03 - Sunday I can't get the screaming and crying out my mind. The no's and the pain. I am not talking about my schizoaffective side or any of my mental illnesses. I am talking about when I told my dad on the phone about my Uncle Clyde passing away. Damn it was a hard thing to do. I still hear it. It's haunting me. I don't know what to do about it. I hear it when all is quiet. I never heard my dad in so much pain. Thats why I say "fuck god", because no true god would do that to anyone. Fuck it. I am gonna go to bed. I am waking up to go see a doc tomorrow. ********** Where my journal starts for tonight. That last thread was from August 13th, 2003. What a great fucking day it sounded like. Ok here's the news. I went to the psy doc with my dad. I was feeling sad as hell. For a long time. Weeks. So I seen the doctor. He changed my medications and BAM I am feeling anger like never before in my life. Well yes...once...Remember Orlando Florida? If you know about that then you know what I mean. I am going off on everyone. I went off on my mother and my sister. Not my father. I went off on Den and Chuck. Chuck and his Wife actually. I didn't know what happened there. The world I am in is lost dark and I am without a light. Where can you go Chad? What can you do? Can you really pull off this film carreer? Can you do it? I don't think you can. This is the negative me speaking for now. And you ain't going anywheres. You see I control you Chad. I control everything you do and everywhere you go. I control everything you say and everyone you hurt. How does it feel? How does it feel to be controlled you loser mother fucker? Do you want to get the gun now? I can't get you to even kill yourself. I can't. You are to strong for me, but I can get your thoughts. And ain't anyone stopping me from your thought process. Don't be worried. I am not split mind and going to kill myself. I am argueing every angle I can. To see what it's like from your point of view. I mean come on. Chad you piece of shit. You can't even hold a job. You can't even make a damn friend and keep it. They make fun of you and you run. Instead of picking up a damn brick. Whatever that means. I don't know. You are seeing a seriously mentally ill guy talking here. This is no act. This is real. This is hate and everything. From saying spic, to saying nigger, to saying you fucking rag head mother fucker. And fuck the white people too. Sure I am racist, but to all you damn niggers and crackers I am white and I am racist against every race, because none of you fuckers can hold your own. Everyone brings down everyone. Stuff is said. I will just babble like always. 10 people will read this. More will thread through it. Millions will miss it. And I will be a star to one. Who is that one? Why are you contacting me yet? Damn. Contact me "one". I need ya. I seriously do. Do you not think it's you? Do you not? People are getting tired earlier then ever. People are waking up earlier then ever. People are scared, doing drugs, and killing. I am only one of those. Scared...did you think it was the killing? Or were you stupid and think it was the drugs? I never touched drugs and to the best I can I will go my whole life without being a junkie. I don't want to even be a prep fuck that takes drugs to piss off mommy and daddy. And to seem like a little baddie. The blue meanies wouldn't like that would they? But they let you guys go. Was that a Z reference? You know it was mother fucker. This is my most out there post? I ain't sure. Damn. Damn. Well I am tired of writing. I will go now. I will send this out to some of my friends so maybe they can see me. For who I am. For what I become. Maybe they will be closer to me so I can get better. I need to be healed. I need to be taken to a a new level. Know what I mean? I do. Well bye bye for now. See ya. Dang dang dang. -goodbye- -chad- |
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Surviving - 08/01/03 - Friday I miss Uncle Clyde. He was a good man and a damn good big brother for my dad. Not much to note today. I went seen a psychologist. It went pretty good. Better then expected. He is more like a professional counsiler. I seriously am sitting here understanding more then ever I hate life. I seriously can't stand it. Highs and fucking lows all the damn time. Why care when you get a high when you go back to a low? The lows hurt a lot. I don't know what it's like to be normal. I seriously don't. A lot of people read this journal. Soon I will go down a list of people I don't fucking care about and thats 90% of the people I know who read this journal. Like shortie and magic. Whatever to them. I don't care. They don't know who real friends are and probably never will. I am getting tired of a lot of people in my town. I got maybe two really good friends and a bunch of associates. Know what I mean? Well I been listening to a lot of Punk music and I am liking it a lot. I won't list any of the bands here, because I just don't fucking feel like it. "You always bring me down and I am always sick of being pushed around". A Simple Plan sang that line in a song. Sounds like my life. I am tired of waking up early. There ain't shit to do. I am gonna start going to bed late. I want to make up past 1pm or so. Damn I am bored with life and very unhappy. Life is just bullshit. BULLSHIT! Why must we go through such things? People are annoying little drones and pieces of shit. Friends are one thing, but these other people that talk to you can suck my fucking asshole ring. You piece of shits. Ok I am kinda calmed down a bit. Well nothing is happening. I bid a $1,000.00 on a camera on EBay and got it. It was a "Buy Now" product. Where if you bid on the top ammount you automatic get it. The set ammount actually. So I paid $37 for shipping. The camera is a Canon GL-1. I love it. I can't wait to start doing movies. I am gonna say fuck you to the entire town that spits on me every damn day. And say hello to people that will respect me for the fuck who I am. Well I am going to bed afterwhile. So thanks for listening. My words, not yours. -goodbye- -chad- |
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Surviving - 7-28-03 - Monday Well I am feeling suicidal tonight. I am in a normal state and thinking negativly if that is a good sign I do not know. I could go down a rant, but I rather talk. And if that stuck up bitch from yahoo is reading this well this goes out to you "YOU'RE A STUCK UP SNOB". You know who you are shortie or whatever the fuck your name is. You were one of my biggest readers and then you got to good for me. That's not why I am mad tonight. I just wanted to tell the bitch something. I don't know what to do anymore. I lost out on college 5 times. Shitty stuff. I lost out on more one day jobs then I went to college. If I don't find some easement soon I don't know whats gonna happen. I ain't responsible for shit anymore. If I fail fuck you it's your fault mind. My mind controls me and makes me fuck up. I feel the thoughts pouring through. The Anxiety building up and destroying my actions. That I am dieing inside, but clearly to others I am not. Fuck I ain't writing anymore. It might be a shit load before I write again. No one cares. whatever chad |
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Surviving - 07/12/03 - Saturday living on the edge, the straight edge... I feel like fucking shit right now. The pain is so bad and it's not calming down. My nerves are bursting right now. The pain is so unreal that I don't know the next feeling. I am hoping to see this pass soon. I can't take this. It hurts so bad. I feel like crying so bad right now. The pain hurts. I was fine all day. Until the night. And it just got set off. Now I am fucking nervous and angered bad. I feel like fighting. Like just crushing someone, but I won't. I won't fight. Damn I don't like this at all. I hate this feeling. Shit...I don't know what to do or who to call. It's so much nerves and so little happiness. Damn I can't reach out to anyone. I will just snap. End of story for now. -goodbye- -chad- |
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Surviving - 06/25/03 - Wednesday I didn't believe in Him(God), but he sure did help me out of some shit. Well glowing. It's a good feeling, but what does it mean? I sure don't know, but many people seem to like it. It's the kinda feeling that you just start smiling when you feel it. You write beautifully. You just are a lot nicer to other people. You kiss your loved one like you mean it and thats the time to prove it. Glowing feels like your falling in love. It feels like the first time you see a Rainbow. The first time you walk into a Church and you know Jesus and God are real. That they are in your presence. I wish I would glow all the time. Just to feel like a mellow person and not worry about dieing. To not worry where your life will lead you. To not worry about getting the shit end of it all. I wish I could just feel like I am glowing and nothing bad crumbles. A moment of glowing is like being in love with a female and that she makes the bad things in life seem ok. That she makes you feel like you are lifted up inside. That you are the one and only thing that matters when it comes to being happy, but we all know thats not always true. There are others. Like a mother and father. A sister and a brother. A son and a daughter. Pets. Stuff like that. I want to fall in with you is a good statement. It just feels right when she's looking at you. And all you want to do is just cry. That you feel like you reached the peak of all that is great, but wait...just one second...you see the peak? Do you feel it? Imagine going one higher. Don't think you can? Christians know you can. Got what I am saying? Heaven. It's the answer. I don't believe there will be a 100,000 or a bit higher going to heaven. I think we are all going. Well us that glow. To glow is to feel love. To glow is to be love. To love is to be one of God's childrens. One of his followers. That's all for now. Just a message. -goodbye-for-now- -chad-michael-mallett- |
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Surviving - 05/08/03 - Thursday i was cryin when i met you, i am dieing to forgot you... -aerosmith I wrote the above topic in May 08, 2002. One year ago this day. The day was a Wednesday. Today it's a Thursday. Looking back on it. Nothing has really changed. I would have put a snip out of that journal entry onto this one, but there was nothing really I wanted to show. It wasn't one of the "best". You know what I mean? Well nothing is really happening. Time flies fast. I don't really have depression problems anymore. It's more Anxiety. Really bad Anxiety too. I have problems with it all the time. And the OCD rituals. They are getting massive. Well I don't know. I am hanging in there big time. Things to discuss? Ok. I went seen Breaking Benjamin and Godsmack Tuesday Nite with some friends. Their nick names are Cockzilla, Tank, and Big Daddy Lurch. They are some good guys. We had fun. It was a night of freedom. I got the lead singer of Breaking Benjamin's autograph. I will frame it soon. That was exciting. I got another autograph. The whole film studio is coming along slowly. I went to Vocational Rehabilitation Services(VRS) and they said it would be very difficult for me to get the grant. So I am kinda at ease with that. Meaning I kinda figured that would happen. It's a government program. And the government seems to shit on my people. Oh well. They are taking the "Ticket To Work" program. So I will see about getting a small job with them. One that I can't lose my SSI. I want to keep it for the deal of Medicaid. So it can help me pay for that $200 and over a month medication bill. Damn the medicine companies. Those assholes. Looked I cursed! Well, I hate to say it, but nothing is getting any better. Everything is staying the same. It's like the only thing that can happen now is something terrible. And I'm not liking that idea. Something horrific. Know what I mean? I am wishing for something kick ass to happen. I am trying to get grants from other places. But thats a once a year kind of thing. What I mean is most deadlines have passed. And the ones that are coming up will not be handed out until next year. Shit. So it's like I am fucked. I don't feel like another year and a half on my fucking ass. People keep asking me if I want to get a job. I know I can't handle one at this point, but with this VRS deal. I may get the training I need. I know they set up an appointment with me for a psycological test and a day of training. Two seperate days. So I am thankful. Maybe that means I will get something. I hope so. I could use the extra money towards bills, the film company, birthday presents, and X-Mas presents. I already got the father's day and mother's day presents I needed to get. I will not say them here, because I don't want anyone to see it. And you know rat it out to my parents and step father. I kinda miss my step nieces. I wish I could see more of them. This June my mother and I might be driving up to Wisconsin to meet family friends. We met them two or three times before. The lady met my mom off the internet and we all became friends. They are really nice and cool. She likes my mom a lot as a great friend. I will be possibly staying in the basement. First time I ever will sleep in a base- ment. I been in their's before. It was a weird feeling. Always seeing them on tv and finally being in one. They said it was dirty the first time they got in it. And they cleaned it up and made a room out of it. It's cool. They have a couch down there, cable, the internet, and a pool table. So I am looking forward to that. I know the daughter has grown up. So it will be weird to talk to her. Seeing as how she was about 12 the first time I met her. Now she should be about 17? 18? I am not sure. She is a young lady now. Speaking of young ladies my sister has been cool lately. I hope she stays out of trouble. I don't care for the people she hangs out with, but I will respect her for hanging out with them. I won't put them down in this entry. Unless they piss me off some day. I been listening to a lot of punk music. Hey if you are an old friend and/or a reader of this and want to be friends with me, don't be afraid to contact me. You seriously should. I have made some good friends from this. My email address is cnote@rocketmail.com and my icq number is 2676927. And my yahoo id is i_failed_in_life. And my other email address is filmmaker70546@yahoo.com and from that you get my zip code! I am not scared. I been having threats thrown at me, but it's by chicken shit people, lol. They are scared. I wish they would come fight me. I'd love to kick some ass. Also New Championship Wrestling is back up on EFED's. It used to be a wrestling promotion in a town near by me. We used to go and have fun. I was the head referee. I had a cult following. It was damn cool. I miss it. Now it's an online fed. We roleplay and stuff. It's fun and great excitement. It's a way to blow off the life cycle and pressure of everyday bullshit. We let loose and have fun. I was known as "The Blue Weenie". I am still "The Blue Weenie" in the EFed. I love that name. It's funny. I sure do miss it. I am in contact with a Fed like ours used to be. I am gonna buy some tapes from the guy. I am buying two tapes right now. I am waiting to hear from him. I can't wait to get them. It's gonna kick ass. Well...I am getting tired. I am gonna go for now. Thanks for reading. Contact me! -goodbye- -chad- |
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Surviving - 04/04/02 - Thursday tell me what you thought about when the worst was over... Listening to punk and just writing. That's all I am doing right now. I am talking to Debbie too. She's sweet. She's talking to me and trying to help me to get better. She say's the same thing everyone else says. "Be positive". I don't know. I try and try. It only hurts more and more when I get shut down. I think it's a down thing. A down time in this misreable world. Oh well. I haven't shone up to really hardly anything in RMS. My caseworker is probably upset with me. So is probably the lady that runs it. I don't know. I am thinking about quiting. I am not enjoying my life right now and I am trying to fight it all I can. People don't understand how tough this is. It's a bitch. Opps...I cursed. Oh... I been having writer's block. I haven't written anything in a while. And I am not liking anything I have really written. I feel it could be so much better, but I am not trying to do it. Oh fucking well. :o( Damn. I am low on money all the fucking time, my dream seem's to be just a damn dream, and no lady in my life. I guess all because I hardly ever leave the damn house. I don't have anywheres to go. I don't have anything to do. I can't handle working, I can't handle people thinking I am a weirdo. I just can't. I don't know what I am gonna do anymore. I am not wanting death. I don't think about it. All I think about is when God will come down and take us all up to heaven and the rest go to hell. Well thats enough for now. Thanks for listening. Bye bye and goodluck. -goodbye- -chad-andrew-kase |
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Surviving - 04/01/03 - Tuesday a little over 3 years...not a lot written... I don't know what I am gonna say. No this isn't some lame April Fools Prank. Just not a lot on my mind, but I needed to write. Just to let lose a little bit. Know what I mean? I am right now turning MP3's to WAVS for my sister. I am making her two 'Counting Crows' CD's. One "Recovering The Satellites" and the other is "August And Everything After". They have some pretty good songs on there. I am gonna keep the MP3's on my computer. So I can listen to the songs too. Well my back is hurting a bit. I was told by a couple people it might be stress. It sure feels like it tonight. I don't know what to do about it. I hope something fixes it soon. Well thanks for reading. Sorry again for the short entry!!! Ps. I am not gonna commit suicide. I never wanted to. There is a difference between suicidal thoughts and wishes. Thoughts usually come close. Like attempts and successes. Wishes are just wishing it could happen, but never doing it. I am a wisher. -goodbye- -chad-andrew-kase |
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Surviving - 03/31/03 - Monday cyn is in...i want to cyn some more ;o) Well a friend of mine has reminded me what the journal intries are for. Her "name" is Cyn. She is a sweet friend and an angel in my heart. I been knowing her for a while. Even though we hardly talk and I don't know a lot about her. We still care for each others safety. She told me that she reads my journal. And when she goes through crap it helps her, because she says that I go through a lot and I am still here. I hope I explained that right. Thanks Cyn. I have a new friend named Chuck. He is a good friend. We laugh and tell jokes all night long. I go to his house often. To watch wrestling and hang out. Other people sometimes go there. I have something to confess, but when you read this. You have to understand it was about 6 or 7 years ago. Maybe more. I was in a lot of emotional pain. I didn't know I had three mental illnesses and I was really tired of life. Well I was about 17 or 18 when I came to the conclusion that I needed to finish college, find a wife, and have kids by the time I am 25. I have to be happy and enjoy life. If not, I was gonna commit suicide. Well over the years I got closer and closer to 25. I hit 24 this year. It was weird. I just knew that 25 was coming. Now understand I am not going through with it. I have too much to leave behind. I have my mom who I love so much. She is my world. She is my shield and helps me to get through things. My sister, well she is my baby sister and my real sister. No step stuff and no half stuff. No adopted either. I have a true blood relationship with her. She helps me out. I love her so much. There is my dad. I love my dad and to me you aren't a man until you walked in his shoes. He busted his ass for my family. Even after him and my mom divorced. He is an amazing guy. My Uncle Clyde told my dad when he divorced my mom, that my dad shouldn't do what Uncle Clyde did. He shouldn't go to bars and drinking. My dad does do that. I wonder if he remembers what my Uncle Clyde said to him. My Uncle passed away early this year. Or late last year. I called my dad to tell him. I need to pause for a little while. Be right back. Ok. I never heard my dad scream in pain and cry like that. That wasn't my father on the phone. It a young boy losing his best friend, his big brother, his idol, it was my dad. Those screams still hurt me today. I kept asking on the phone who I was talking to. I didn't know that was my dad when he was screaming. I was so scared. I couldn't believe my dad was like that. I am not saying it's a bad thing. I am not highlighting the death, but I want to say I never seen my dad as a man until I heard him on the phone. Thats all I got to say about that. My dog Bambam is 17 years old. She is getting close to death. Real close. It can be anytime soon. I am scared too. I don't know how I will handle it. I got her when I was 7 years old and now I am 24. Thats a lot of shit to go through. I was there when she had her first seizure. I was crying and freaking out. I didn't know what happened to her. I was worried. Well you gotta understand. When I grew up. I was the center of jokes for everyone. I was the punching bag. I would cry so easily. And want to die more each day. But I had something the humans didn't. A relationship with my pets. I could pet them and just talk to them. They never made fun of me, they never called me names, they were just my best friends. I became a vegetarian in around 1997 or 1998. I did it because animals never did me anything. Plus how can you eat a living being? Who is to say you are higher then God? And don't give me that bullshit "If it's good enough for jesus it's good enough for me". BULLSHIT. Show me in the bible wear Jesus ate meat? All he did was fish and eat fish. He'd eat bread. I never heard of Jesus eating anything else. Now I am not saying there isn't anything in the bible about meat. I am just saying don't fucking tell me that I am nothing compared to Jesus when half of you fucks do drugs, curse, have premartail sex, smoke, drink, and so much other stuff. Yet you don't think anyone should dog Jesus and God? Let me tell you something. When you and I get to the "pearly gates" in heaven. My ass will go in first because I shown more respect then your ass ever has. Understand? I doubt you'd understand. Well to add, I don't drink, do drugs, smoke, eat meat, eat dairy, and eat seafood. I am saving myself for marriage. Yes I am a Straight Edger. With a Vegan side. Not a vegetarian. And I am sick of those fucking kids changing the shit. If I see any of your fake sXe asses and you tell me how the rules have changed. I am gonna fuck your little wanna be styling badd ass wanna be, bitch ass mother fucker little poser bitch ass into the fucking cement. FUCK YOU! YOU FUCKING POSER!!! Now enough of that. I am still working on checking for a grant for my Film Company. I need to becareful because I am on SSI. I am looking to shoot comercials and more with my camera. Take pictures and everything. So I could get off SSI and feel like I am making my own money. Know what I mean? Well I am gonna go to bed now. I just let out a bunch of steam. Thanks for being there for me people. I appreciate it. To the true people... TOP 10 REASONS YOU MIGHT BE BIPOLAR!!! 10. You think Robin Williams should perk up. 9. You just bought the Kenny G and Barry Mantilow box set just because. 8. You think going to bed on a Monday and getting up on a Friday is a good rest. 7. What do you mean you're tired - I had only 3 orgasams! 6. You cannot remember the word "the". 5. You know the names of at least three antidepressants and fifteen mood stabilizers. 4. Your cat's name is Kay and your dog's name is Jamison. 3. You bring your own research to the doctor's. 2. You think a drive from Vancouver,BC to Miami is something to do in four days. 1. Last night you understood the secrets of the universe and this morning you are wondering whether the jam goes on top of the peanut butter or under it. -goodbye- -chad- |
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Surviving - 03/20/03 - Thursday he's the candle stick maker... Well I don't know where to start. It's been a while since my last medication change. I was put on something new. Xanax and Celexa was taken off my plan. I feel great. But today I feel just sad and down. Not really depressed. Just down and sad. The war started yesterday. I am for the troops going. I am against anti-war people. I support our troops. Well there is a sad thing. My sister's best friend, Lurch, went out to Iraq. We don't have contact with him anymore. So we are praying and hoping for the best. I am just worried about my sister. I don't want her to lose him. I still miss my Uncle Clyde. He was awesome. I still hear my dad screaming in my head from when he heard he died. It's horrible. It's painful. It's a death streak. I never heard my dad cry and scream in pain like that. Damn...I don't know what to say about it. :( Well life has a brillant way of hurting you and making you happy. I am losing friendships left and right. I am being lonely. And being alone isn't fun. I got "Your Ticket To Work" in the mail. It's a program the government is making. It's so you can get a job or training to work. I will be getting a job making candles in my home. I hope it works out for me. Also I have scolerosies. A slight case actually. My back hurts a lot. I wish the pain would go away. I don't know what to think anymore. My film company is looking difficult to start up. I don't know. I heard that grants might cause me to lose my SSI. Basically because it's a "Self Employed Business". I pretty much wish I could do that. Maybe if I get good with this training company I can save up to buy a camera. Well thanks for listening. I will go for now. Peace, freedom, happiness... -goodbye- -chad- |
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Surviving - 02/27/03 - Thursday something to smile about... Today, well this afternoon it's around 1pm. I decided to write in my journal early and soon. I forgot about it, because the site has been down for some time. You will notice a new look for the site. A split for kids and adults. A rated R section and a PG section. I hope to make a PG 13 section too. Well, not much has been happening. My pdoc changed two of my medications. I am finally feeling good. I am glad. It's like a big weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I am thankful for that. Not much has been holding me down. I have a new caseworker for RMS. Her first day was today. She took over for my last one. I think this will be a great thing. I am looking forward to it. Changes can be good sometimes. Sometimes even great. We shall wait and see. Well about my film company. I been waiting to get it off the ground. My website url is the following: http://www.dacruestudios.com I like it and hope to explore more grounds with it. I am looking into getting a grant for my camera and a couple things. To get the ball rolling. I have a crew ready and willing to go. I just need the startup money. I hope all goes well with it. I hope to make some great movies. I want to make short films and put them together on one VHS Tape/DVD CD. I think it will change my life and give me a great outlook on things. I can't wait. I am writing scripts right now. Not at this moment though, haha. I am mainly writing drama's. I love drama's. They impact you so much. They can have comedy, thrillers, and horror all in a drama. Even action and other stuff. I love all the posibilities. I wrote a lot of bad stuff in the journal pages. Things are changing. For the better. So you may not see as many cursewords. You may not also see anything negative. Depending on how I am feeling. Well that's it for now. Thanks for stopping by and reading. |
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Surviving - 01/12/03 - Sunday Damn It Hurts So Bad To Not Cry... Forever for tonite. I will love you. Good song lyrics, but what do they really mean? I can't describe what they mean to me. I can only show you through pain I put up with to be with you. You being whoever is reading this. If you are reading this you must care some how or must hate me and want to see me suffer. Whatever the case. I do care a bit about you. Not much at times, but I do. I don't know where my life is going. I am coming up a road of three directions. I am not gonna say all three, but here's one. I am going to a college in my town to be a welder. I am gonna do the best I can. I am feeling so bad these last two nites and it hurts badly. I feel like I am in so much pain. The evil I must have done in a previous life. It must have been like hell for other people. I must be being punished for something. But what? I don't know. Life is kinda odd. I don't want any holy rollers emailing me. I don't need that. What I need is a fucking key to insert into the hole in my soul. The distance between two worlds. Don't read between the lines...because there is nothing there. I might be famous some day. And if I die. Or if I am killed. Or if something happens to me. You will have read this and knew me. You would feel like you lost a part of yourself. Last nite they wanted to send me to the emergency room aka the hospital, aka dialing 911. Why so they can stick me with needles? So they can lock me in a white hall way in a white room. With nothing but cold people. No food I can eat. And heartless doctors and nurses? They don't care about us. All they care about is their own shit. Making quick bucks while helping out numbers. If you are reading this and know something. Tell it to me. Whatever it might be. I need to know. I am scared a lot of the time. I am alone in my house. I hear my own voice in my head screaming stuff I never screamed before. I hear it saying to give up or just quit everything. But I won't. I don't want to give up. I'd not like giving up on whatever haunts me. All the bad people in the world and a very scared little guy just not knowing where to go or who to trust. I think my family trusts some stupid people aka bad people. But I must too. Because I get used all the time. I took my meds 45 minutes early. Just now at 8:15pm. So I hope they kick in. Satelite. I hate pain. Emotional or physical. Spiritual too. Mental too. Add them all in there. They all hurt and cause lots of problems. Are you home alone? I am. Did you know that? My sister won't move in with me, because she can't bring friends over that she wants. She also can't bring them to where she lives now. So does that seem like a pathetic excuse? It seems that way to me. She also threw in another good one. I can't live in that apartment, because thats where me and my ex were. Thats funny. She has no problem sleeping in her bedroom where many of her ex's have slept. I told my sister and mom yesterday that I was suicidal. I don't often tell them this. Well I beeped my sister when she was gone and asked her for a ride around town so I can listen to music and talk. She told me she was doing her hair. Then finally told me to go meet her. Thats fucked up. She wonders why she's always getting the shit end of the deal with my family. I'm tired of Waffle House. I gave up on that place months ago. I also gave up on everyone I met there. So fuck it. It's a shit hole anyways. I'm bored. I am gonna go now. Starting to yawn and stuff. See ya. Bye. -chad- |
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Surviving - 11/09/02 - Saturday Danielle's sweeter then a chocolate mint! Time after time. I think about Danielle. There is a lot of net chicks, but none are gonna be worth what can become what Danielle is. Danielle is very special to me in my heart. She means a great deal to me. I appreciate where we have gone and what we have done together, but I will never get over how beautiful her soul is. It's amazing what you can collect just by looking into a person's eyes. It's amazing. She's so beautiful and her eyes can tell you that. They lead you on a journey you can't get back from. I tried so hard to tell her all those big things, but I never thought about telling her the little things. The things that stand alone and sometimes together as one. I still have two presents for her. I hope she will enjoy them. I bought them a while back, but damn I don't know. My heart sometimes is afraid of what could not happen. What could be dead and what could be alive. I don't know. I will just think of good stuff. I hope Danielle will be there for me when I talk to her. I miss seeing her. I haven't seen her in a while. I wish that'd change. The last time I seen her I grabbed her by both her arms and just stared into her eyes. I couldn't speak for what seemed like hours, but I did. And I probably said something goofy, but I remember saying something nice to her. I hope she understands about me. See, I don't have much to live for basically. My mom, sister, Dad, and dog. She may open a fifth door. Who knows? Well God probably does. He will show me the way to see if I am meant for her. I hope the whole me being mentally ill won't scare away Danielle. Or the fact that $545 is my income each month. She's destined to be a great person. So I am lucky to have her in my life. Even if it's not a boyfriend gurlfriend situation. Know what I mean? Poo Poo & Milk...thats private ;o) Well I don't know. If I so happy to get my camera. I want to for sure start making some hellacious money. I want to support my entire family. I want them to be taken care of. I want someone like Danielle to be my future wife. I am not saying exactly her, cause this is a bit early. I am saying maybe, or someone else. It's easy to say. Well, I don't know what to say anymore. Off and on for 13 years, I have been pretty fucked up with my life. My emotions. My soul. My heart. My beliefs in God. But now things will change. I will keep my emotions high. Jesus is helping me. Danielle if you do decide to read this remember this. I didn't build my damn life on opinions. I built it on love. I could have ended my life about 6 years ago. Maybe more, maybe less. But the love I had left in me kept me going. It did. It kept me alive. I am here now because of this. See? goodbye..... -chad- |
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Surviving - 10/26/02 - Saturday Well...let's see. I don't know where to start really. If you want to be on an updating list for this site email me and say so. Don't be afraid if you don't want me knowing you are reading this. It's ok. I just want people to look at what a weird world I live in. Have a cursed yet? Guess not. ALSO 2 THINGS!!! First off Jennifer Lynn, I miss you. I seriously do. Remember "Iris" and "City Of Angels"? I remember that stuff :o) The above site was made for you. I made it with my own heart and a lot of searching. I set it up the best I can. When you put the mouse on top of your picture it says what your name means. I love you Jennifer. I loved the jester. I shall start sleeping with it. It will be your love to me and my love back. Please get in touch with me. Please? She loves Romeo, Romeo loves her, but they are lost in the love. That can mean a lot. A lot can over take your heart. But when we talked on the phone Jennifer it was amazing. You called me when you were freezing outside that payphone. I could hear the cold wind blowing. I was in Orlando, Florida. I loved that you bought a phone card. We talked until it ran out. Damn you made it everything to me. The nite we got into a bad fight and I called you at 6am in the morning apologising for everything that happened between us and you said how great it was that I called you. It showed I loved you. I still do baby. I still do. http://www.jokerstears.com/la/imcnote/jennifer.html Thats all yours. Only Number Two, no Sis, I am not calling you a number 2 I am just saying it's your turn. Look I had a big arguement by email with you about drugs. Who does it, who doesn't. Why some should, some shouldn't. You can't beat me on this. There is no way you can. I know my stuff about this. If you have been reading all these journal entries then your ass hasn't paid enough attention to them to know what I been through. So don't question me and my people. It's not right. So think about it. All of it. I LOVE YOU SIS AND JENNIFER :o) goodbye. -chad- |
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Surviving - 10/23/02 - Wednesday Damn It's Back. It's been 9 days of highs. Highs that wouldn't stop. A great feeling with no bad effects to it. Nothing causing me any pain. Now today. Yesterday. What the fuck? Am I to be doomed? Am I to be ousted into hell? Well??? What is it oh glorious one? A guess jack shit is for me. Nothing good ever comes from my straight days. Days of just being a good guy inside and out. Standing alone with my heart. Testing no boundries. Testing no ones morals. Being a piece of god in the heart of a mortal. Well guess what? Ain't shit gonna change. Is this a test? Is it me veruses the computer? It can't last that much longer. It can't be this fucking hard. Or is it easy? Shall we be one or shall we be two? My hand itches. Must mean something. Maybe. Maybe not. Something always means something. Or sometimes a rock is just a rock. Don't over think anything. Don't hold a grude with your soul. See my eyes are getting heavy and I am getting more depressed. It's only 8:10pm. I woke up at 7:20am. What a great day. I made my mom an early XMas present in group. It turned out nice. She enjoyed it. It came with candy and a pencil. It's a pencil holder. She always needs one. This angel named danielle brought the stuff to group. No not the danielle I like. Another danielle. I still have not seen or heard from Erin or Danielle. So I assume both ends have met? That we are not as close of friends as we once expected? I guess. I don't know. I really ain't think about friends anymore. Too much toxic fumes going around in this shithole town. Some toxic fumes seem to be hitting close to home. Who could it be? It isn't me. Because I'm not a fucking piece of shit. Maybe Amanda? Maybe my Dad? You decide. And you decide what toxic stuff it is. It could be anything. Alcohol is a light toxic waste compared to this shit. Oh well. I don't know what to say about it. I really don't. I am tired of all this. Everyone does drugs. EVERYONE IS TRASH. I am so tired of everything in this town. Everything that happens gets shit dumped all over it by these losers who think their lives are so great. Oh fucking well. Damn I hate this. Amanda will never find a good boyfriend, my mom will always be a house bitch, my dad will always drink and think more of his friends then his own family, and I will always be suicidal. I don't know what to do. I am scared. I don't know where life stands in this day and age anymore. Where can I go? Who can I turn to? Certainly not these toxic pieces of shit. These low life losers. Oh well. Fuck it. I am gonna call my mom. And go to bed. Bye. Fuck it shit. goodbye. -chad- |
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Surviving - 10/16/02 - Wednesday Why Can't You Hear Me Screaming?!?!? Don't listen to the title. It's fake. It ain't real. It's as real as your cold heart. Know what I am saying? I bet you do. You seem to be free lancing a lot lately. I am making this all up. I am bored and am looking to talk to someone. But no one is around. I can't find any good people anymore. Everyone is stuck up the ass. Hard and rough. Fucking bastards. Damn I cursed. I can't help it in here. It's hard to not curse. No problem. Yes, there is a problem. WHERE ARE MY STRAIGHT EDGERS AT?!?!? I miss and want you guys. Down south gosh dang it. I want to be with my bro's and sis's. I want to party the right way with you guys. Up all nite movies. Eating veggie burgers. And whipping some drug head ass. Know what I mean? Mother fuckers. Well I am trying not to take the lord's name in vain. But it's damn hard. Tell me if I screw up or some shit. I am gonna give college a third Chance. Well...maybe this time it will work. Or maybe that ghost in my house will stop blowing on my neck. Seriously if you are a ghost buster, email me. Know what I am saying? Gosh damn it that is worse then "know what i mean". Damn. Life treats me well. I treat life well. Life goes down. Throws up on me. It kind does 4 hours of push ups and throws up all over inside the crater. Fucking crater. Always getting the best of me. ALWAYS!!! I'm on a high. Damn. Thats like a lot of highs lately. A LOT!!! Today I had a sack scare. My sack turned red and swole up. I thought I had testicular cancer. I was afraid. Well the left testicle swole up. All it is...well a cum blockage, not blue balls. An infection. I will take antibotics and cream for it. If it gets any worse I need to go right back to the doctor. Well back onto the college thing. I am gonna go basically for Office shit. Not accounting. I don't want that. That's my mom's job. I want to be a office clerk or intern. Someone who gets fucked in the ass. By the man! YAY! Let us pray. Dear Lord, have the mercy to grant me one wish that Ashley says hey whats up to me and I just know it. Like I already do in this world. Thanks Lord. Amen. Ok thanks for the prayer. Some shit goes up and some shit goes down. Which is the best? Neither. None of it matters. There's a bunch of guys in town that are getting on my fucking nerves. I want to punch some bitches out cold. I will do it soon. I am waiting though. I want it to feel good. The best. A rush. Through. My. Heart. hehe. I never use the same lines on a female. I always tell her that she is beautiful and I practically just go from there. I mainly want to fall in love. With some female like Ashley. She's so wonderful. An Angel. Today we had a national tragedy. No one was heard when I screamed for the gun. The gun was thrown to me. I caught it. I held it up. Fired three shots. Then the crowd screamed. What did they scream? I will not say. You will have to earn that one. Bye. -goodnite- -chad- |
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Surviving - 10/15/02 - Tuesday Brothers & Sisters Are Ya With Me?!?!? We are walking on sun shine in the rain. Said by some. Spoken by many. You wouldn't understand how hard I have to fight to be a bad ass mother fucker in my own mind. I sit here and just think for hours. Imagine the thoughts just before bedtime. I think different and hard. It's weird. I just sit there and thoughts run through my mind like a wolf through the woods. Ok, this whole film gig thing isn't kicking off. I am tired of sitting on my ass and waiting. So if anyone is in the Louisiana area and wants to play a one person role I can either use a male and a female or two females. It calls for a lot of drama. A hard script to do. You will have to sign papers saying you will keep it all a secret, until we release it. You will have the rights to play future characters in my movies. Only you and your friend. Or if someone else comes along. Know what I mean? I hate that saying. Fucking stupid ass sand nigger. I hate life pretty much. For the simple fact my mind stops me from going off in this world. So tomorrow I am gonna go to my Support Group and then I am going see if this local college has any help for the mentally ill. Like easier and lighter schedule. Or extra help. Counsilers or whatever. I hope I can make it out. I want to. But I'd miss you all. I went on a date last nite. It was nice. It's not a boyfriend/gurlfriend deal. Just a date. She's a real sweetheart and was a great date. We joked around and watched "The Red Dragon". It was a good movie. I enjoyed it. Of course :o) You know I did. I love movies. Yes. 9:06pm and "Save Tonite" by Eagle Eye Cherry just came on. DAMN people. Help, lol. It's a hard life. Damn it is. Did you know about that song? Then ask me and I shall tell. Either here or by email. Ok, well...I went to an anointed healer Sunday. It was different! Let me tell you. But my ribs are feeling better and so is my back. Also I been mostly high lately from the whole bipolar deal. But it also may be the faith and holy spirit running through me. Also to my friends that think I meant the other kind of high. FUCK YOU. You are trash and always will be. Fucking piece of shits. Damn a shitty song just came on. I hate it due to some reason. Whatever. Sometimes I think this journal isn't gonna go anywhere. My mind doesn't stay still while I write it. It shifts around. A lot actually. *winks at Ashley*. *winks at Jamie*. I miss you both. You both mean a lot to me. Whether it be friends or something else. I do actually appreciate you both. Jamie, please email me sometimes. I know you are busy, but all in all I miss you. Jamie I wasn't talking about you about the high pot head bullshit. I was talking about intown friends. It's ok for you. I know what you go through. You can't afford the meds. Don't go Jason Waterfalls. Please stick to the...so that song just got into your mind. Didn't it? Well I have a small gig this Monday at 6:30pm. So I will be looking forward to it. I will go practice filming the people on stage at the small theatre here. I also will be editing it when I get home then bringing it to my friend to see if he likes what I can do. Know what I mean? He is a cool as shit friend. I really appreciate everything he does for me. He is a good guy and I will stand up for him. I also will be a cool guy for him. Keep him levelheaded, lol just kidding man. Well I wrote enough. See you later. Bye. Bye. Bye... -goodnite- -chad- |
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Surviving - 10/10/01 - Thursday Falling Down A Path Of Dark Hate... Well it's been a while hasn't it? I thought you'd ask where I have been. So I am gonna tell you. Maryland internet company sucks. No, I am not from Mary- land. I just got my website through them. Now it's on a Freedom site. But that maybe under attack. See the same server I have my stuff on also has racist sites, but check this out. It can have racism against any race, BUT Pal-Shit won't let us use the program so we can pay for our sites. So I am talking to one of the lead guys of this Freedom Site to get my money in order for them. Know what I mean? Guess not. That wasn't your language. I don't know what to say. Fall in and out of love a lot. Fall in and out of friendship a lot. Just to say shit and just to do shit has a different meaning. It's like one day you can be the expert of something and the next dumb as shit. Fuck it. To feel you in on some news. My sister, Amanda, broke up with Josh and started LATER dating a guy named Joey. Well she broke up with him too. There is a couple of guys around that look cool, but what if they are another Josh. Know what I mean? I ain't gonna go into details. But the boy and someone else is in jail. So it's all good. No need to worry. Death threats, running people off the road, and mugging guys will stop for the time being. I met a new chick a little while back. Her name is Danielle. And there is another one named Heather who I met recently. I like them both a lot. Danielle isn't showing me any interest that she wants to be with me. I don't know what to do about that. It hurts me so bad. I don't know what to say. I seriously don't. Ok. I am so tired tonite. Other news. I sent in pictures and a bit of a story line to Sony/Atom Films to have my movie made. If I win I will receive $15,000. a camera, computer, headphones, and more. So I am glad about that. It will be great. I will enjoy it if I win. If not, I will enter another contest. Until I am in the door. And anyone wanting to ride my coat tail will fall off. There are new people in my life. I am only happy about C and a couple others. It's like the others aren't gonna be anything close to what I am looking for in a friend. C which stands for my new friend is a cool guy. He respects me a lot for my beliefs and I love that. He understands I don't drink, smoke, do drugs, and eat meat. He's cool with all that. So it's a great thing for me. I swear if anyone hurts my sister anymore. I can't be responsible for what I have done to the person or persons. I am not talking about this fucking bullshit talk the talk. I am not talking about walking the walk. I am talking about I am gonna put the bitch in ICU. I may go to jail or the hospital. Which ever is cool with me. Know what I mean? Well later people. Goodnite. Sweetthoughts. goodbye -chad- |
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Surviving - 08/13/02 - Tuesday she said bye, but i'd rather hi. Life without love is bullshit. I can't seem to hit the mark on anything. This website will be changing soon. I will be encountering a new server. A better one infact. One where I can choose what to say. Freedom of speech. I will also use the n word a lot and the s word a couple times. If someone doesn't like it then, oh god damn well. Fuck it. Know what I mean? I can't imagine people bringing shit to the table. I sometimes wish I could get into a fight. Other times I don't believe in it. And some times I just am to tired to even think it. My mind has been racing, my back has been hurting, I am getting chest pains, heartburn, problems that I can't explain right now, and bad thoughts. I am even plagued by nightmares. Fuck. It's like I can't get any worse sometimes. Then all of a sudden, BAM, it's worse then ever. Every year seems like I get a little bit more pain added. With those extra bad days added into it. It's like 1:17am. I just removed two people from my icq list. Mainly because they are boring and wanna be's. So I said fuck them, took them off the list, and thats all there is to it. I add like 5 for every 5 I take off ;o) So it's all good. Maybe more, maybe less. Well I just wanted to say stuff. Onto deep stuff. ***** You may not want to read past this part. ***** I can't get the screaming and crying out my mind. The no's and the pain. I am not talking about my schizoaffective side or any of my mental illnesses. I am talking about when I told my dad on the phone about my Uncle Clyde passing away. Damn it was a hard thing to do. I still hear it. It's haunting me. I don't know what to do about it. I hear it when all is quiet. I never heard my dad in so much pain. Thats why I say "fuck god", because no true god would do that to anyone. Fuck it. I am gonna go to bed. I am waking up to go see a doc tomorrow. -chad- |
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Surviving - 08/07/02 - Tuesday i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. three times the charm. Well...I don't know where to start. I am more fucked up them ever. Thanks a lot pdocs and god. You know you guys are for shit. Bastards mother fuckers. Ok enough of that shit. I miss Uncle Clyde. He was a good man and a damn good big brother for my dad. Even a father figure for my dad. I love my dad and it broke my heart. I had to hear my dad scream on the fucking phone. I had no god damn vehicle to go tell my dad to his face his brother died. I did it over the phone because it had to come from me. Not some fucking other person. Someone he loves more then life itself. I am not saying this to make it sound like I am conceited or that my dad loves me that much. I don't know. I know life is bullshit sometimes. Natural highs lately. Falling in love with Ashley...Getting a cool used car and sharing it with someone I love a lot, my mom...Knowing my dad is my real role model...Knowing I will never love anyone more as a father figure then my dad...Knowing my dad is a man who isn't afraid to cry in front of me. He didn't hide it. He made me hide it a couple times. Yelling at me. Feeling the emotions. Him being scared to see it. I don't know or can explain why my dad yelled at me sometimes for crying. I take it as a fear of his. He has a hard life. I love him for it. He makes me the man I am today. Hell no one is like me in this type of life. In a sportsman's paradise I don't eat meat, seafood, and dairy. Thats not cool down here. I also am against religions. Thats not cool down here. I am saving myself for marriage and that is a weird thing to do in the south. No real such thing as a southern gentlemen ladies. Those guys are fake as white boys. Let's see, what else? Well I don't do drugs. What? I don't drink alcohol. What? I don' smoke any cigars and cigarettes. What? you heard me bitch. I am clean. Thats not heard of down here. So what else? Well fuck it. If you haven't read this then what the hell are you doing here. MENTALLY ILL. People think I am mental or I am crazy or I am nuts. Hey trash! I am not like that. I am just suffering from severe things. They alter my moods, but not being silly. I inherited that from my Uncle Gene, cousin Patrick, and Uncle James. So fuck you guys. Also there ain't much else to add. I am tired right now. That's all. The film thing is starting to kick off. I might get that camera soon. I ain't sure. Things are slowing down for it. I don't know. Hey shortstuff, are you still reading? Shortstuff, please email me. I miss you. Ok? I tried emailing you, but I haven't heard back from you. Is everything ok? BTW I just farted. Anyways I am going to watch a movie. I love you mom, dad, and momo. I am living for three now and should have in the beginning. Know what I mean? I am stupid. I should have. -chad- |
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Surviving July 27, 2002 you just left us, but you aren't gone. thanks. I don't know what to say. My Uncle Clyde is dead. He died of a Massive Heart Attack. I don't know. I can't say much about this. I know what it now feels like to lose someone very close to you. I lost my grandmother and my good Ol Uncle Chuck, but at the time I was on so much medication I didn't know what the heck was going on. I'm not gonna curse in this entry. Mainly to show respect for my Uncle. I heard him curse every once in a while, but I wanted to take something I do a lot and take it away to show I am there for my Uncle. He treated me like a son. Better then a lot of others. He cared a lot about me. So I only seen him less then once a month. Mainly when people died. But I did get to see him and thats what counts. I care about him and will miss him forever. I wish I could have said goodbye to him. Just one last time. -chad- R.I.P. Clyde Mallett |
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Surviving - 07/09/02 - Tuesday losing a tough battle. what else is new? There is so much pain and games going on. I don't really give a shit about some people. And some I give a lot of thoughts to. But some don't resend vibes back to me. People don't even try to understand me. It's all about them and their fucking lives. One shout out, well two, goes to Ashley and Katt. Ashley thanks for standing by me. I really appreciate you a lot. You put up with a lot of shit in your life. So it means a lot to me. I totally have heart for you. I seriously do. I don't care who knows it and who talks shit about it. Also you Katt, damn. Finding the same love about death that I have. I understand and will stand by you. Email me babes. We can ease the pain together. Know what I mean? We could bullshit around and talk about our problems. We could just go out and say fuck you to all the american people. You being a Canadian you might enjoy that, hehe. I am starting to dislike my fellow people. I am about to take on the Euro American standards. Also my canadian background will be missed. Guess what? I got a guy friend on my icq list, lol. He is from a country I used to not care for. He hates Israel. So I now hate them too. I think for different reasons. So tip for the day. If you see someone from Israel...kick them! Well no don't do that. I don't know... You should for sure kick the government though. Hell yeah. Kick everyone around you. Just start being an ass kicker. Kick like your a one legged guy in an ass kicking competition. Know what I mean? Use that leg. Kick that ass. And I don't mean fighting you wanna be badasses. I mean shoving words into peoples faces when they treat you like shit. Whip some ass. Also don't smile at people. Just look at their feet. Like there is something wrong with their feet. Just keep starring at them. And they will be like, "Damn what the fuck is wrong with my shoes"? Know what I mean. Goodnite. |
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Surviving - 07/05/02 - Friday fucked up world isn't a good place. it's a shithole. I don't know where the fuck to start. I might end up having to move this whole journal shit to a new site. One where it's uncensored so I can talk about all the pieces of crap in this world. Fuck I wouldn't know where to start. I am mentally ill in a normal world. What the fuck does that mean? Huh? I can't god damn meditate so don't ask me to. Don't ask me to take it easy. To think about it lightly. To be a good little boy. To be an angel. To go take a nap. To think light thoughts in a shithole existence. I am kicking them all out my head. Well for the time being. Know what I mean? I hope the whole fish thing ends up happening. Hardly any cares to know what that means. Hardly anyone cares to email me. Hardly anyone cares to ask me what the fuck am I wanting to die over. I am wanting to die over this life. The USA, Osma Bin Laden, assholes and bitches hurting my family, against racism IN ALL PEOPLE. Yeah right that white people are the only racist ones. Thats really true? Welcome to this town bitch. I am just wanting to make peace with this chemical in my brain. To tell it to slow down. To tell it to back off and let me feel what a regular and normal 23 year old feels. I want to be a regular guy. I want to be normal. I want to be able to hold a 9 to 5 job and just be "ok". Fuck, where is my ok at :( Does anyone have it? Can anyone save me? Am I destined to do the film gig? If you don't know what that means I will have to go over it with you right quick. I can't smile right now. I can't. I always fucking am smiling. You know when? When I am around other people. Does that god damn mean other people make me happy? No fucking shit. It does not. It means that my stupid fucking smile is from 'Social Anxiety Disorder'. Jesus fucking christ. My life is run by a chemical. I am not in here. Well yes I am. I am struggling though. You got to peek inside and see me bubbling out. I am a writer. I may not know any fucking good grammer or shit like that. I may not know anything at all. But I do have a drive for it and I will be doing it later in my life. Whether the world takes me in or not. Know what I am getting at? An off the wall mother fucker that is an embarrassment to the society. John Nash Jr was held back, because them fucks thought he was gonna do something stupid. They didn't give him the award. So fuck them. He gets it now though. Well earlier from now. A couple years ago. Maybe 5, 10 it don't matter. Cause he got it. My gurl Ashley just made me smile. So thats a plus. I think everything is starting to go down. So I am glad. I will call my sister in a bit to have someone to talk to. I need some kind of help. No damn hospitals because they don't do shit to help anyone. I want some great medication and a great atmosphere. Ashley thanks. I love you. If anyone gets jealous of that. Oh well. I do love her whether it's as a friend or more. I want to be her friend forever. I doubt it will happen. I keep driving her away from me. As I did Jamie, but I for sure want to meet and hug Jamie. Even if she wants me to not be in her life at all. I'd like to feel her heart beat against mine. Jamie I want to be with you, but you are not around. I can't afford to call. So I am home bound. Ashley is here all the time like you used to be. What happens when Ashley leaves? I am fucked again? I get mad at drop of a pin or whenever god tells my sister she is going to hell. What that means is the littlest thing can make me so damn angry and sometimes it takes a big fucking thing to do me wrong. Tired of reading? I ain't done yet. I don't have anyone to talk to. Its 11:32pm at nite at this very minute. And I am tired of some people in this town, plus I don't have the numbers of the good ones. I am gonna see my doctor the 16th. I am gonna tell him to help me out any way he can without a hospital visit. I don't have suicidal thoughts. Just wishes. Those two are very different. One you want to be dead and two you just wish you were. I just wish I was, but I am not gonna act upon it. I ain't going out a pussy. Now if someone you know has commited suicide. Then maybe it was the last resort. I feel if someone wants to take their own life they should be able to do it. Why should cops be allowed to stop them. Every 'Faces Of Death' I seen has suicides in it. You know what people are doing? Stopping the person because they love them. The cops are there, but it AIN'T none of your business. I said it. So any cops have a problem with that. Come and take some. Then I will take your badge. Well I am tired of writing for now. I am worn out. Goodnite and sweetdreams. |
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Surviving - 05/30/02 - Thursday Hate This Place new 'Goo Goo Dolls' song. I'm tired of all this bullshit in my town. People sleeping around on other being. People being accussed of a serious crime. People getting beat up by white, spanish, and black trash. It's gonna stop soon. Next person isn't gonna be so lucky. I am telling you that now. Well fuck all that. Enough. I had a date with a friend. I will leave the name out of it, because it maybe private for her. She might not want to be known on the internet any ways. She's so beautiful and so sweet. I been liking her for a while now. I recently developed a huge crush on her lately. About two weeks ago, it went higher. The crush. Well I don't know. She just got out of a serious relationship and I am having suicidal wishes. It's just not gonna work out the way I see it. Plus she wants to date other people and I agreed to do the same. But if I do date someone else. That other person and me starting hitting it off I won't be able to date this crush no more. Know what I mean? I want to be a one woman man. It's the way I feel. It's the way I been for a while. I will flirt with whoever, but my heart will only belong to one. The one I miss is in another state. She is cool and great. I just wish she was here. If we'd hit it off in person, maybe then, we'd know for sure it was meant to be. I miss Jennifer a lot. I hope she reads this. She sent me a XMas day present. Signed card and a little Jester with a Jester Staff. It was so cool. Just like my site. She's amazing. She is so cool. Yet she doesn't try talking to me anymore. I am not sure what the problem is, but I will try to find out soon. If you are reading this Jenn please email me or icq me at 2676927. Maybe even contact me by yahoo: i_failed_in_life poetofdeadlypain cnote.rm bluehairedchad Well the date. It was amazing. I still have feelings for her and always will, but I am not looking to get hurt. Know what I mean? If you know me from email or icq, then you'd know what I mean about all this. Well I am about to log off. I didn't want to talk about any of this. Personal shit. *NEW* This is added on about 30 minutes later. I am seriously thinking about taking my family and moving out this town. I am tired of all these fucking people. They don't understand me. They don't fucking ask. They just smile sit back and drink their fucking drinks. Whatever. Thats all for now. |
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Surviving - 05/08/02 - Wednesday i was cryin when i met you, i am dieing to forgot you... -aerosmith Well just adding a little bit before bedtime. Know what I mean? Well no one is in my life meaning a female. There is options, but nothing coming to mind. I am not sure about a lot. I am to messed up to be with someone really. I don't know. I am drowning in a pool of my own sweat. Know what I mean? Well let's see. I moved. There is many reasons for the move. All you should know is bad things equal good things. For the same price I am moving from a bad neighborhood to a good neighborhood with my sister and her fiance. We live together in a two bedroom apartment. It's a nice and cozy place. I enjoy it a lot. We are having a good time. I am still thinking though. Do you remember what the thinking means? If not... Here it goes. Thinking rushes into my mind constantly. Bringing on every feeling one can imagine. I rush through all emotions. To skip around a little bit I am going to see my old pdoc soon. I am tired of the one I am seeing now so I am going back to the one I had in the first place. I don't know what to think. I am scared. You know I have to be. All options being opened. Well I am hanging in there. Sometimes hurting worse then before. I got rid of three friends. They disrespected my mom and sister. So I told them to leave. I threw them out of my life. I don't want to look back on them. With that I am saying this. Don't hurt my family again. My upper back has been hurting for three or four days straight so far. About a week to two weeks ago I pulled a muscle really bad in my upper left side of my back. The pain was unbelievable. I couldn't think that it would hurt that bad. Well it's in the past now. Thats not why my back hurts right now. I just got finished moving, but I think this is gonna be for a while now. I think I will not get rid of this pain. It hurts bad. Anyone know how to massage a bad back? Email me! Well I don't know. I don't know where I stand on a lot of things anymore. My racist views are changing. Changing fast. I can't talk about that here. The website doesn't allow it. So I am gonna go on to another website and express it all. Hey the india chick from Canada. Would you please either email me or icq me? I miss you. I wanted to talk to you about the old stuff. Know what I mean? I will go by your old name. If you want to chat. Get in touch with me. ICQ# 2676927 or email cnote@rocketmail.com. Well bye for now! Later! -goodbye- -chad- |
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Surviving - 04/14/02 - Tuesday I've realized one thing. How much I love you." -kid rock- Well not much is going on. Just felt like writing since there is no serious people online. I mean people that can talk serious without laughing. I just wanted one. That's all. Everything's so blurry. I don't know how to put it. I am tired of being this way. I don't know what it's like to be 23. Fuck. I mean what do you guys like to do? Do you have all happy weeks? Do you love your jobs? Do you like to drink? Go to parties? Have fun with your gurlfriend? Live your damn dream in life? Chad Andrew Kase, my alter ego. I invented him so I could give out my "last" name. Worked? Yes. People believe it's me. Although when I get to know them more they learn it's fake. I tell them that. So they can see I do trust them and do care about them. I think I will keep that as my pen name. I'd like to have it. I will think about it though. Give me time and shit. I am kinda getting lonely at times, but I think about stuff. Like if I did have a gurlfriend would my illness get worse? Would I always wonder about losing her? Lower self esteem? Hard luck? Like stressting to much to make her happy? Come on. That last one sucks. I will make her happy no matter what. Oh wait, I am sorry. I don't hit women, drink, do drugs, and cheat on them. I am a good guy. I won't get any Louisiana women. Well this sucks. I don't like anything I wrote in this "letter". Fuck it it's going on the site anyways. Oh well if I don't give a shit to delete it. Gulf Of Mexico? Is that a good place? Find it. You know "hard" isn't about being a bad ass. About not smiling. It's about fucking your drug head world up with my heart, mind, and soul. I am "hard" because I never killed myself or attempted to. I am "hard" because I don't do drugs and don't drink. I am "hard" because I am here being this way and getting hurt. I wish you knew what it's like to be mentally ill. I wish you could see how bad it hurts. I wish I could cry more. To realive all the pain. To let go of all the hate. I don't know. Fuck. I am going. See you later. -goodbye- -love- -chad- |
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Surviving - 04/04/02 - Thursday Fuck The Needles. I Am A God. Respect It. Guess what? I won't tell you for a while. What I need to tell ya. LoL. I am gonna fuck with your mind for a while. Alright honey pants? LoL. Woo Hoo! I am tough. Figured it out yet? Guess not. If you want to know what's up and what FEAR I have conquered then listen up. NO MORE NEEDLE FEAR!!! I got an earing in my left ear!!! Can you fucking believe that shit?!?!? I AM THE MAN!!! HELL YEAH!!! Well that's all I wanted to say about that. Oh one more item. J-Me, wassup dawg. How's it going baby? Missing you. Better now. -goodbye- -chad- |
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Surviving - 04/04/02 - Thursday Needles, needles, needles... Well this might not be a long one folks. I am just gonna babble a bit and then go to bed. It's 2am exactly as we write. So be patient and understand I am slow as a pill working in your mind. Whatever that means. Well nothing is new. I don't know. I am tired of a lot of bullshit. Can I say bullshit? Yes I can. It's a pay per view site, lol. Well I have my hate site up and running. It's gonna feature all hate shit on it. All white hate shit in fact. I might have to remove this from this site, because you know. This is not a freedom of speech website. Like my other. If you look hard enough you can find my hate site. The only think my hate site isn't against...well let's just jump to something else. I am talking to a chick right now. She is in to heavy metal. Hell yeah baby. You know what I like, lol. Sa Supa is her name, but you won't find her and I ain't gonna give her out to you. She is lame sometimes and a bitch, but I like her. Who doesn't like those fucking bitches with the god attitudes? Well me and most of you. But come on. It's the internet. I can talk about raping her and how much she stinks the cow shit. The next day she will talk to me like nothing happened. Gotta love free life and love, lol. You know I feel like the only bitches I want to talk to on the net are the ones with pictures. I don't want to play games. If they have a professional picture fuck em. They are probably lieing anyways. I look for shitty looking pictures. You know like the digital cameras all you losers have. See mine is nice. My mom bought mine for XMas. It's better then the one I wanted, hehe. Well I am gonna go. Fuck all of you. Just kidding. Fuck only the ones with the with the later z in your names. Yeah you know who I am talking about. -goodbye- -chad-andrew-kase |
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Surviving - 03/13/02 - Wednesday Happy Birthday To Me, Happy Birthday To Me... Well first the good stuff. February 22nd was my birthday. A couple days before that I had a big suprise party. It wasn't even known by me. I was distracted by two friends until they beeped one of them. Then one of them asked to go out and eat. He said the Waffle House. I didn't feel like eating there, but I went anyways. I went in and there was all my friends and a birthday cake all lit up. I was shocked and suprised. I couldn't believe how cool it was. It was amazing. I love my sister for all that she did for this. It was the best birthday ever. They blindfolded me after we all talked and they took me on a long ride. It was to a strip club. I have over $100 to spend there. Some of my friends came and we stayed hours. I had fun there. It was so cool. I am so glad to have these people in my life. They are amazing and caring about me is awesome. Well not much else has been happening lately. I been depressed for a lot of reasons. One is that a nightmare sort of came true. I always didn't want my sister to get anything close to what I go through. Although it's not as bad she still has depression. I am so down about that. I don't want my sister to suffer, I should be the only one with this pain. Just me. Not my family. My mother and father have been suffering from it off and on for a while. I am the only one with different mental illnesses. I know you guys and gals may not understand. You never will. It's hard to explain. I am alone in all this. But let me tell you. I wish there was some way of taking the depression from my sister and putting it on me. I'd be willing to take two times as much pain if it meant my sister not having any of it. I know that may be hard to believe. Mainly because of you noticing how bad it is for me sometimes. I know it's bad, but my sister is more important then my life. My sister has so much to live for. She actually dates and wants children later in life. I don't date and don't want children. So I rather her live a happy life whether then with this depression. I am not saying she is real bad off. I am just saying even a sad day isn't cool for her. I don't want her to even experience a sad day. Well onto other things. Drugs have been coming up a lot lately. People been talking about it. Some starting to take them and some stopping it. I don't know what to think about it. I just wish I had a REAL sXe friend. I would love for one of my brothers and sisters to come down and be with me. Not meaning love. Just as a friend and family member. You don't know how alone I feel. With everyone smoking, drinking, doing drugs, eating meat, eating dairy, and having sex all the time. I don't hate these people and I don't not respect them. I just wish I had someone to be with in this time of pain. Someone that can understand. Sometimes I think I am the weirdest person in the world. I don't mean that in a bad way. Just look at this shit. I don't smoke, do drugs, eat meat, eat dairy, eat seafood, I don't have sex, I don't drink alcohol, don't believe in any god or gods, I have blue hair, I am addicted to porn, I love women, I never really dated anyone and I am 23, plus I am mentally ill. THREE MENTAL ILLNESSES!!! Well thats all the shit I could think of for right now. Anyone got any feedback on all that shit? Email me. If you can find my email addresses on these pages, then what the fuck? Well I don't know about this whole god thing. Sometimes I believe and sometimes I don't. I just think it's my whole mental illnesses shit. I mean it's like a bipolar person can't think straight. They have so many opinions on something and such an open mind. Check out this shit. I know these are all true. You won't get them. Didn't get those? I didn't think you would. Are you Bipolar and understood them all? Then email me. I am looking forward to hearing from you. Also I'd like to tell all my friends who read this "thank you". It means a lot to me that you take the time to read these. IF I HAD the mind set to read all ya'lls journals I would, but my attention sucks. That's why I don't stay in chat rooms anymore. I can chat on icq, surf the net, and listen to music all at the same time. It's a plus to be talking to at least 5 people at the same time. Well thanks for the talk Journal. See you soon. -goodbye- -chad- |
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Surviving - 02/11/02 - Monday today was ok, but hopefully tomorrow isn't for shit I been saying some weird shit in these entries. Fuck. I don't know where I come up with that shit. But the best thing to do is take everything with a grain of salt. I am not a good guy all the time. The world, people, and pain have all made me an asshole. Hate that part? I do too. I don't know whats up anymore. I am tired of all this bull shit with waiting. I don't have anything secure in my life. Nothing to count on when the going gets tough. I am meaning love and money. I have a for shit life with money. Fucking government sucks. The love part is god's fault. I am gonna blame him for that. See he is making my life tough and hard. So I will not pass his test. I say that and it will get harder. I probably was one big mother fucker in my past life. A real shit head bitch. So this life I am paying for it. Fuck that shit. I wasn't him and he wasn't me. I don't know that guy. I'd probably have whoopped his ass. For damn sure I would have. Enough of all that. Three letters here. Ready for them? Ok they are J, J, B, and C. Should I put them in order? Well they are four gurls. All I like. All I know. Three of them have liked me in the past and one doesn't give a shit to think about love when it comes to me. If I could seriously pick one? I don't know what I'd do. I just don't know seriously. J, it'd have to be the second J. Which is actually the first one I met. I do still like you tigger. I do a lot. Please write me. Email me. Icq me. Do something. I know you sent me that present for a reason. I just want to know what reason it is. Ok sweetie? Miss Tigg. Well let's see. I need to get this into a new view. While "Heaven" plays I will discuss life and death and me. The suicidal wishes haven't went away. Nope. And I know they never will. So what is the answer...the reply to all that? To keep on fucking going. FUCK THE PAIN AND FUCK YOU GOD. I will not bow down to you. I will get the phobia's to go away. I will defeat this pain. I will defeat suicide. Shit "We" have done it before. "WE" will do it again. So watch out bitch god. I will come for you in the end. You are probably wondering who the "We" is. Well the "We" is all the people in my shoes. Struggling along. I am gonna go. See ya. -goodbye- -chad- |
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Surviving - 01/31/02 - Thursday I hope you realize that some days just aren't ok. I been lost in the love cirle. Well what kind of fucking circle leaves me out of it all the damn time. No one hears me screaming and no one comes running to pick my bloody body up off the ground. I am lonely. I am real lonely. I can't go on much more, but I will not give up. I know my someone has to be out there somewhere. I am just sitting back being a fucking total loser. A piece of trash. I don't know. I am tired. That's all. Don't care. -goodbye- -chad- |
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Surviving - 01/30/02 - Wednesday Nothing to do...but things to not see. Well, I don't know where to start. Really I am hiding this depression from everything and everyone. Sure I will show it, but can I be at risk for people to take action for it? I don't know. I want it to be my problem. Because in reality it is. It's my life, my soul, my heart, and mind. I am not married so it's not a 50%/50% deal. I don't think life is going so great. I get the highs and lows of bipolar, but when I really think about how I am doing I see more of the lows. When I come home at nite...well it's to a depressioning life. What can a man live for when he has no money, woman, and future? Lies, money, and hate is what controls the other side of my world. Drugs, alcohol, and disrespectful people are here in this world and it's hard to hide from them. I am a clean and sober young man. An angel to some, the devil to others, and the blue haired man to kids. I don't know where my life will go. I seriously can't be stuck like this for 5 more years. What the fuck am I doing living this way? I have nothing to do for my life. I am sorry if I sound like a jerk, but friends aren't my life. I got a lot of better stuff to think about then them. Friends betray you and treat you like shit. If you can't understand that then you haven't read every journal entry and at least seen my world and opened up your closed mind. I am different. I am the most weird person in my town. A list of things I don't do: Smoke Alcohol Smoke Meat Dairy Seafood Hunt Fish Religion You know I am actually thinking about dropping the support group. I don't give a shit about them people and they probably don't give a shit about me either. So why do it? I guess I will give it a couple more tries and pass the group onto someone else. I really don't give a shit about other people's lives. Specially when everyone in this town is self centered and a fucking ego maniac. I can name a good long list. I can also named a list of maybe five friends I'd actually like to talk to more often, but I am not gonna do that. I don't feel like living that much. Life is a waste. I am down tonite. Real fucking down. I am bored and depressed. Wanting to be alone. Wanting to be a bad self serving asshole. Myself is what I mean. I don't care and just want to listen to music. To drown away the pain. It's always here and NO FUCKING person takes me serious. I try to reach out to you assholes and you all laugh and make fun of me. Taking me for granted. I hate you guys sometimes. I listen to all of you. I help you guys out. But do you try to ask about my illnesses? NO. You do not. You don't even ask why I am in pain. Not even if they can help me out. Fuck it I am gonna go talk on icq and listen to more music. Incase you can't tell. I am on a fucking low. Fuck off. goodbye. -chad- |
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Surviving - 01/26/02 - Saturday Pretty old...but pretty young. My birthday comes up next month. I think sometimes about God/god/gods, and wonder if it's all true. If they made us. Where did we come from? Shit like that. When I see something so beautiful I can't believe in evolution. I have to believe in a higher power, but the question is who? I never said I was an athesist. I just said I didn't believe in God. The next time you see your boyfriend, wife, son, dad, mom, daughter, love of your life, your pet, or your new born baby just ask yourself one damn thing. Could it be real? How could EVOLUTION have created love? Bullshit with the chemicals. If you see something fine. How the fuck does your mind tell you to shoot those chemicals throughout your body. It's bullshit. No one knows if it really does that. Love means there is a higher power. I mean there has to be. I am racist somethings but I don't believe we are all brothers and sisters. I believe that I love my mom, sister, and pets. I love my dad even. But am I gonna give them up for a gurlfriend...for a wife? No. I am not gonna take anyone higher then them. They mean the world to me. They brought me into this World. They took me for a ride. They showed me it's all worth living for. They gave me a good look at what hell can be like. They brought my heart into everything up there. When I say up there I don't mean god. I mean heaven. The beautiful love that flows through us all. Well, how can I say that I wouldn't take a gurl over my family. Isn't that what you are supposed to do? Isn't that what the whole saying means? "The love of your life". That's what other peoples views are. My mom, sister, and pets come first. Who was there when I wanted to blow my brains out? Who was there when I was crying? Who was there when I lost someone in my life? Who was there when I lost a pet? Who was there when I graduation? I got my license? I learned to talk? Walk? Grow into a man? Love for another sex comes and goes. It stays sometimes, but how fucking many people are still together after all these years and ARE happy together? I can tell you not a fucking lot of them. So what if I made the mistake and fell in love. I then fell out of it a couple years later and here I am stuck being a dumb shit. Being a simple single guy again looking for love once more. I would look stupid. Like love is the only thing out there. What about happiness? I mean it's out there. Yes, you can be happy with a love gurl. But can you be happy when you both break up? No. When she screams at the kids? When she beats your kids? When she sleeps around with your best fucking friend? Enough of all that. I am just thinking. I want to talk again about suicidal wishes. And how the hospitals take control of your shit lives and make you more unhappy. What gives the god damn right for them to do that? For them to keep you in a hospital against your will. For them to just tell you how to think and feel. For them to inject you. To put you through shock treatments. Don't believe me? Watch "Gurl's Interupted" and "A Beautiful Mind". They are both movies showing both worlds. Maybe those two can't handle their lives, but I can fucking handle mine my own way. So don't tell me shit about what the fuck to do unless I ask it. No one has done that yet. I am just stating my damn opinion. Ok. I wish I was dead a lot of the time. I wish I was dead in heaven. Living the way I should be without three mental illnesses. I always say this. What would I be like if I didn't have the mental illnesses and possibly the add? Would I be successful? Would I be confident? Would I not be so pathetic and have a gurlfriend? I do consider myself pathetic. Don't think you saying anything is gonna change that. I will have to change that on my own. I am listening to a beautiful song right now. You should listen to it. It's matchbox 20's song "Hang". Yes back when 20 was a number and not a word. It's a beautiful ballad. It beats the shit out of Goo Goo Dolls "Acoustic #4" or whatever it is. It's a damn good song and shows how damn good matchbox 20 is. Suck on that you rap, hip hop, and metal head lovers. My ears are hurting. Dammit. Seriously it's not about sex and stuff. I just want love. True love. Fate love. Anything like that. Someone to be in love with. Fuck. I hate life. Bipolar sucks. Schizophrenia sucks. OCD sucks. Schizoaffective sucks. Social Anxiety Disorder sucks. And depression is a bitch. My back hurts. My life sucks. I will just name some good things and you see if they are anything to you. Ok you are ready for them? Ok? Sister/momo Mom/peason BamBam/Bambi Dad/Boss Car(when it gets back on the road) Computer DSL Websites Internet Phone Chairs My sister's DVD Player The remote I got for it The VCR The 25 inche tv My blue plate My great great great grandfather's iron bed All my collectibles My video tapes My pictures My diploma A picture of me and my father dressed as cowboys My video camera My 35mm Camera My digital camera My webcam that my dad got me Animals Drug free Alcohol free Animal byproducts free Religion free Tobacco free Ok I am gonna stop there. I will continue it in the future though. Well I don't want to go away just yet. I want to ramble some more. So if you want to stop reading that is cool with me. Any cute gurls out there? Over the age of 17? With dirty blonde hair, brown eyes, 5'11", b cup? Oh sorry that's Julie Lynn Cialini. My bad. I thought she was reading. Oh well, hehe. I wish someone would massage my back. I wish some beautiful young lady would kiss me. I can't think of any I know that I'd want that to happen with. Not meaning you gurls on the internet. There is a lot of you I do talk to. And you probably know that. I am not a player. I am a player hater. But I do flirt around. But there is a couple I'd love to meet. And get to know. Like West/Claire, Shortstuff, Tigger/Jennifer, and Belinda. The last two have been hell in my life. I do love them. I wanted them to come both down here at different times. But oh well. Another story for a different time. I am gonna end this. So thanks for the talk. Thanks for reading. See ya |
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Surviving - 01/17/02 - Thursday This isn't gonna be pretty. Fuck the world. Right now I am listening to Blessid Union Of Souls song "I Believe", but this is different. It's a tribute to the WTC. It's beautiful and sad as hell. I don't know. What if I was on that plane. Could I have fucked up them terrorist? I don't know if I'd have the guts to fight back. Could I do it? Or would my mental illnesses get in the way. There is no way of telling. Maybe one though. I'm dead. That's probably what would happen either way if I was on that plane that fucked up day. I have so much for respect for the ones that fought back and the plane crashed in the field. Those fuckers saved some lives. They are mortals and heros. Yet every piece of shit news crew keeps forgetting to mention them. Fuck you guys. You god damn pieces of shit. These guys did it. They saved some lives. Well enough of all that. Onto some other shit in my life. I am starting a support group. So if you are in the Louisiana area and want to join let me know. It's totally cool with me. Anyone with any mental illness is welcomed. Including Depressed people. I hope it all goes well and stuff. I am really depressed tonite. Bad depressed. I came to hide away from people I guess. To be alone and think. No I am not gonna harm myself. I am just taking it easy for a while. Trying to be me and trying to become better for myself in this fucked up world. I just erased a lot of paragraphs because I mainly went off on my friends. I erased it because I rather not deal with their attitudes I guess. Oh well. Fuck everything I guess. I am so fucking shit mooded tonite. I don't care for a fuck. If you attempted suicide and didn't succeed then you are an idiot. Sorry if that bothers you. Hope it does though. Bye. -chad- |
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Surviving - 12/29/05 - Thursday - 9:10am Still hurting emotionally inside. Well not much to say here really. I am single. Sometimes I am looking sometimes I am not. I have been volunteering tons over the past year. I have donated tons of really expensive clothes I have to three charities. As well as a walkman, a sega system, nintendo 64 games, computer software, sega games, cds, and other items. I have also bought over 30 school uniforms for the children whose parents can only afford a couple. I bought all kinds of sizes and helped out a lot of the children. I have donated to two homeless shelters in Lake Charles. I helped with people that are terminally ill. I have helped bigtime with MADD/Mothers Against Drunk Drivers. I have helped with the animal pound. As well as putting together broken bikes that I have purchased with my own money. I have fixed up swing sets for children. As well as other stuff. I have bought $50 worth of toys at Dollar Tree and then turn around and donated them in their bin for toys for tots. I was planning on doing $200. But Ethan came along and I spent some money on him. When I go to the movie theatre in Lake Charles. I go early and walk around the mall. I buy stuff. Any change I get I put in a collection they take for children in need. I then go to the theatre buy my ticket and go to the arcade. Sometimes I will see some kids with no quarters and not so good clothing playing on the games and I give them handfuls of quarters. It's weird, they do not wish to take them. I tell them don't worry about it. I had them in my pocket and my movie is about to start. Then I tell them have fun. And they say thank you sir. Well thats all the good news. Lately I have been so depressed, angry, and emotionally sad. I am hurting all over. I am constantly not wanting to do anything with my life. I just want to give up. I look at old journal entries and I remember them so well. The people I mention, the pain, the talks and such. It changes so rapidly. I feel like time is catching up on me. Although in my weight I have passed up 200lbs. Which was a HUGE goal I always wanted. I am 6 foot. So I am a big boy now. I am thinking about selling the camera and using the money to pay off my loans. I do not use it anymore. And hell it's a dream anyways. I could delete everything I ever wrong in some folders on my pc and not care. I could torth my poetry books and all my notebooks. Well I am gonna go for now. I am gonna go wash my face and workout. -goodbye- -chad- |
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Surviving - 12/21/01 - Friday You will understand that some days we are just not ok Well I don't know where to start. Like always. I got a lot to say and it will probably be another short one. I know I haven't written in a while. So you can bitch and complain. I totally understand. I don't get any mail about this stuff. So I am curious as to how many people are reading it. You don't have to send me mail. I know all the people in my town that read it. I can tell. You guys don't know how to hide things. It's easy. Well here it goes. I went seen the psy doc Wednesday. Well, bad news. He gave me two options to think of. Well this is why. He says he doesn't know where to go from here on my medication. He never gave anyone higher doses then what I am on. Well thats fucking just like me. You know? I get the shit life. Well he said I can either stay on this medication and fight it out or I can join back in the group. I know what you are thinking. What doesn't he just join back in the group? Well the group sucks shit. All they do is sit around and not do shit. It's a bunch of old non attractive women. They don't talk right. All we do is do crafts and cook. Wow. That's fun. Well his point is this. With my Anxiety controlling me I need something that isn't planned everyday. Something different to happen to me. UnExpected stuff. See my day's are the same thing every day and planned out well. I am in a secure setting with people I know real well. The group changes all that. It's to make me get used to not being comfortable all the time. It's to strengthen my mind. So I am asking this. If you don't know me and you read these entries. Please email me and give me your opinion on what I should do. If you don't want me to respond just say so in the email. Be brutally honest with it. Cut my throat and slit my wrists if you want. I want to know what it's like to see from the outside. The doctor claims I was a lot more happy when I was in the group. He said I should never have quit the group. Well the group made me very uncomfortable and very anxious. I hated it, but from what it looks like from his angle it helped me out in a way. So what do you seriously think? I'd love to know. Also if you never talked to me before drop me an email. Again if you do not want me to reply just say so in the email. I will fully understand. Also I might be thinking about putting a board where people can email me their comments and I post them myself. I don't trust most of you people posting your own stuff. See I am a major asshole on the internet. So you people would get back at me with this stuff, hehe. Well I am gonna go. It's 4:19am. One minute...Bye ya'll -goodbye- -chad- |
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Surviving - 11/28/01 - Wednesday .....trouble to the people that love me..... Yes that line up there was in an ICQ I sent to someone. It describes the way I am. If I ever thought about it, I'd say "hate is me and I am hate". Well that hasn't happened yet. I don't know what to think anmore. Stuff isn't going to good for me. People are noticing a change in me. The new added medications aren't helping. They are making me depressed. The only thing that gets me going are going out with my sister and neo. I mean that's it. It's not much more going on. I am looking forward to this Sunday. So that way I can be a referee. I am listening to only soft ballads tonite. That's the mood I am. I wish I could have been something greater then this. Complaining and all this to myself is nothing exciting. I guess it keeps me knowing I am for shit and nothing to this world. What the fuck use am I? I don't know. I am taking money and not doing a damn thing. Well at least my work is 24/7 and not bumming on my ass like most of you workers. Do you want to know what my job is like? Well here it goes. I wake up depressed, I go to bed depressed. On the occassional nite I get suicidal. Wishing to die. I have big fits of temper and go off for a second. I then go home hating myself. I ruin XMas, birthday parties, and just having fun. I sit back and die inside. I sit back and say in my mind, "What the fuck am I living for"? These people don't give a shit about me. All I am is another friend. If I was gone their life would go on. Fuck, I hate life. Let's go over the recent list of what keeps me alive, is that ok with you? No? Well fuck it, we are going over it. First off there is Amanda/MoMo, my mom, bambam/bambi, Neo, and well not much else. Throw in the internet, music, and movies. Also wrestling. You count a big number of things, but one thing is missing. Where is the love? The woman I need? I don't know and I am caring constantly. She can't be that far away. I have to meet her soon. I am tired of all this cute, precious, and innocent crap that the chicks tell me. Why you won't date me then? Because I won't neglect you? Because I won't take you for granted? Because I won't say one I love you a year? Well I am romanctic and have lots of love to give. I might smother you with love, but I won't be able to kiss you. Social Anxiety Disorder gets in the way. It's all over my soul, heart, and mind. It's fucked up and a piece of shit to me. Fuck life, fuck you, fuck her, fuck the god damn world. Bye. goodbye..... -chad- Ps. I love you though. I seriously do..... |
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Surviving - 11/26/01 - Monday Natalie.....you are everything to me Well no one has said anything about the last entry. I am kinda glad because it took everything out of me. I am gonna put it behind me and move on. None of you know who she is. I never talked about her to anyone. She is just someone I liked a lot and cared for. She screwed me over in the end though. Not bad just something I didn't like at all. So I figured if she felt that way it was best for me to move on. She tried talking to me, but I don't want to talk to her. Not in any amount of respect for her will ever lead me to forget this. Well enough of that. I sent my name, email address, snail mail address, and interests to all kinds of agents. I am hoping one will represent writers and I can try to presue my dream. Hopefully something in the future will happen. I am really depressed right now. It's actually the morning after Monday. It's 4:56am right now. I been up all nite. I am kinda not wanting to go to sleep because I want to think and get the thoughts out of my head. I am not knowing what is going on. I am just alone and dead inside right now. I am hopefully gonna change things soon. So I am gonna go into a deep sleep and let everything go on about itself for now. Hopefully something will appear in the future. See you soon. Missing you all. Goodnite & Goodbye. -chad- |
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Surviving - 11/21/01 - Wednesday love is dead and so are my feelings for you. Well when you have time for someone else and not me you can go to hell. Do you hear me? I hear myself screaming for you, but nothing from you. I mean you sent me the best damn email ever. I am on the next for over 5 years and your email is the best. That one god damn email is better then anything the others sent to me. Others meaning no one related to me. Well look at this. On ICQ you are on ignore and it's gonna be a damn good while before you are ever back on my list. You say all that damn good stuff in one email. Make everything I care about happening for me soon and next you didn't have time to email me back. Why? Because you went out drinking with your fucking friends? Well you know what? Anyone that does drugs and alcohol will always be white trash. Damn straight. If you don't like it then stop talking to me. Do me a real big fucking favorite and just drop out of my life bitch. End of story. good fucking bye. -chad- |
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Surviving - 11/18/01 - Sunday no wheres to go.....well maybe home. I just got a damn good day happening for me, then bam it hits me. I am like a fucking failure. I don't know. I have this damn dream about writing and I get it shoved in my face that I am so paranoid to show off my work. It's like I am scared someone will steal it and use it to become famous and stuff. The thing is I have low self esteem. So it's like not a damn cool thing for me to think about the whole famous thing. I am supposed to think down on myself. You know? I am supposed to be down on myself for everything I do and more. Social Phobic my ass. I am Myself Phobic. I don't know if I said this in a email or one of my posts here, but I want to go over this whole 'Suicidal Wishes' again. It's not a suicidal thought or a threat to myself. It's a wish that I have. I just wish I was dead, but what will happen? Well first off my sister and mother. What will they go through? Probably something so bad I'd go to hell for it. Then what about my baby Bambi? She will not be healthy as long as I am not there to love her and take care of her. Then my relationship with my dad. I sometimes don't know what to think with him. He ruined my soul with this one nite and he has yet to apologise for it. He owes me big. He ran right over me and everything I stand for. So fuck him for a good while. Last there is my stuff, all of it. It's like I can't stand the thought of someone going through it all when I am dead. Like all these people touching things that mean the world to me. All these memories and loves of mine. I can't let that happen. I am not saying I will kill myself, but soon I will make a will. I will have each of my mom, sister, and dad pick out a couple things to keep. The rest will be sold to give them money when they need it to pay for the bills. I have a lot of collectibles. A LOT. The rest will be burned in a memorial service held for everyone that has suffered from a mental illness. Anyone that has felt alone. Anyone that has wanted to not live on this earth. Why would I want to do that? Because as much as I cry in these emails. I am not alone. I will never be alone. A big shout out goes to my mom, sister, and specially Den/Neo. Amanda, my sister, has been letting me hang out with her and it has meant the world to me. She totally is letting me spend all this time with her that I treasure more then anything. I love her for this. I really need someone in this period and she is being that person for me. I also want to talk about my mom. Seriously if something ever happened to her I don't know what I'd do. She is my backbone in this world. I cannot make decisions and judgements. I souly depend on her for all of this. She is everything I need and want in a mother. I love her so much and seriously I can't ask for anyone else to fill the role of mother and father. She has been both to me. Let's talk about Neo/Den. He is really my only real friend left. I have a lot of friends in this town, but he is a damn good friend. He asks if I am ok. How am I doing. And all kinds of stuff. He makes me glad to actually have let people back into my life. Thanks goes to him. Well I am gonna use this last paragraph to say goodnite and stuff. I am gonna probably check my email and then go to bed. Thanks a lot folks. :o) goodbye. -chad- |
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Surviving - 11/09/01 - Friday Straight Edge is my way of life Well, I needed to write tonite. There is a lot on my mind, but none of it will be discussed here. Basically because it's my business and only my business. Let's just say three of my so called friends aren't gonna be hanging around with me anymore. Fuck them and fuck what they stand for. This might moved to my uncensored site. Because things will get risky soon. Believe me so. Well the thing is I am kinda depressed a lot lately. I talked to the doctor about it. He asked me new questions and went over past stuff with me. So I am glad about all that. I needed that. I am tired of everyone in this town. I will now name a couple cool people in this town. Such as mom, momo, neo, and let's see. Well that's all for now. If your name isn't on this list.....then so what. I am just tired of life with you all. Fuck this game and fuck you all. I put up with all your shit. You don't listen to me. You fucking ruin everything that I stand for. So watch your god damn back. Because when I get my new friends it's gonna be HARDCORE sXe. You will see. It's up to you to choose it. goodbye..... -chad- |
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Surviving - 11/03/01 - Saturday God said to me "Boy you have put up with a lot, but now you will get everything you every wanted here in heaven". Well see Chad doesn't PLAY that shit. So old Chad walked up to the heaven loving lord and told that white bearded bastard this....."Well jackoff you gave me all that shit for me to get it in the door now? Well fuck you, fuck your son, and fuck that virgin bitch you made jesus with. I ain't gonna be putting up with your shit. So send me to hell, because everyone knows the good guys can run hell like no other. Fuck ya up the ass you god damn piece of shit". Well that is my little title. If you are an admin of my server and want me to delete it then I will move all the pages to another server. I will then take down the advertising banner I made for you guys in my index page. I love playing hardball. Let me tell you, I will advertise the fuck out of you guys, but you can't stop me from being racist, hateful, and god damn mean. I got an uncensored website for all that. This one is all about the damn pain. So live with it and be cool. It's all about love and heartache. Wait fuck all that. I am gonna talk about something else. Any of you out there are reading this? I know there is for sure about 5 of you. Five people that don't keep quiet. The rest of you don't tell me anything. I do know you are reading though. Also there is one gurl that said I was crazy, mad, and shit. Well she is right. I am. So don't fuck with this god. He is powerful and can destroy shit. Well I am gonna cut this short. goodbye..... -chad- |
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Surviving - 11/01/01 - Thursday death is not here.....but something is What is it? I don't know and I can't answer that, but I can seriously feel something tonite. Well not tonite, but mostly around. Shit has totally fucked up bad last week. I will not discus it here though. I don't feel like it and I am just gonna blow it over. You know? Because that's what I really feel like doing about the whole situation. If I was in it, I'd say fuck you to a certain person and walk out. Who? I am not gonna say. Well no gurls yet in my life. Like that's a fucking suprise. Two of my friends are kinda homeless. So they are bouncing around. I just got DSL a couple days ago. What is it? Well it's a very fast modem. Let's just say it took about a minute to download ICQ 2001b. If you want to contact me on it my number is 2676927. If I will talk to you.....well that's a different story. I don't know if I will or not. If your a guy then most probably not. I don't like spending nites talking to guys. Basically because you do not have anything good to say, all you do is bullshit around, and you are lame. Women are much more defined creatures. They have this passion. I will not say what we talk about, but let's just say guys wouldn't understand anything about it. Well if you are a guy and you are reading this then you are on a good side. Mainly because you have some kinda curious mind about life, depression, suicidal wishes, and passion. You are here and you are understanding that this guy you are reading about is wanting to die. He is wanting to perish in the earth and not come back in any other life. But is he gonna kill himself? Well if you don't know then you haven't been reading and that means your a typical guy. Let me just tell you so you don't seem anymore stupid then you are. I am NOT gonna kill myself. See if you read a couple sentences ago I put suicidal WISHES. WISHES meaning I wish I was gonna do it, but I am NOT gonna do it. It's just a simple little wish and that's all it is. Well.....soon I am gonna be a ref in a local wrestling fed. No I will not get paid. I will not get famous from it. It's just a local backyard fed. Nothing big. But to us it's something great. Something amazing. After a while of getting to know the ropes I will begin wrestling. If they happen to make money from it I will stop the wrestling. Basically because I will not take a blood test. For mainly steriods. The reason, well I don't know if I ever told you this before. I have a seriously high phobia of needles. Not just any needle. The ones you get when you get a shot. I don't want to talk about it, but if you know how I can overcome this fear without getting one then PLEASE EMAIL ME! My email address is at the bottom of this page. Well bye for now. Hell yeah. goodbye. -chad- |
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Surviving - 10/25/01 - Thursday fuck.....suicide.....not now..... Well this is either gonna be long or short. I don't fucking know really. I am waiting for my new website to be installed soon. Meaning the domain is not registered yet. So I am waiting. It's a lot of stalling going on really though. I am working on pages for it right now. Well not this second. A very limited number of my friends will get to see my new website. It will be uncensored. The only thing against it is me posting death threats, child porn, and women being raped. I believe there is a little bit more though. BUT THINK ABOUT WHAT I WILL PUT. You should know already. I mean there is a little hint sometimes. Two great ladies just went offline. Both are very hot. Oh hell yeah they are. Both are not going to be touched by me. I know only of one on my list I'd truly like to be with. Some are just wishes. Saying that I don't mean they are better then the one. I am just saying they are cool chicks. Well today was pretty cool. Nothing bad happen. But all of a sudden I have become very suicidal. I talked about it before I believe. The whole it being a wish and not a real issue. I mean this is real and all, but I won't do it. Well....I won't for three living beings sake. I only will stay alive for three.....two humans.....one pet. You most probably can figure out who they are. It's obivious. So don't ask unless you really don't know. If I don't explain it here I probably won't by email. Specially when you are being overly nosey. Get it? Fuck this life. You know? No you don't know. You will never know. All you are is a worker and a god damn "normal" human being. You are the fake one. Not me. You are the one who is not gonna make it into the real world. Not me. I am a god compared to you. If you think this is directed towards you then you must be conceited or some shit. Damn you have a swelled fucking head. Get over it already. You are most probably not even all that great. I mean you are reading this shit aren't you? Stop acting like a dick/bitch/asshole/whore and get a life that needs to be lead. Well this is all for now. So what if it's short. fuck off..... goodbye. -chad- |
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Surviving - 10/22/01 - Monday The Pain Is Here Again I don't know really what to say tonight. I just felt like writing. You know that happens from time to time. I been known to poor on the fucking words in here. I joined a forum at a website. They edited out my website name, because I have porn. Well you know what? Fuck them. I have a new website coming out soon. This one will stay open though. This new one will be uncensored. So I will thrash their website. I will just do it in a way that they can't sue me, haha. They didn't hurt my site or anything really. They just took it out of my profile in the forum. You can post and people can see your profile. To learn more about who you are and stuff. It's a shitty profile. It doesn't tell much. The only big deal about it is the whole age thing, sex, and url. If you have a website it can show more then just talking in there. I right now don't say much. I mostly post little "stories" about whats going on. It's like poetry but in story form. It's not much really. I deleted a whole lot of people outside the USA off my ICQ list and my email address book. I don't want to talk to them anymore. I have my reasons, but I won't say that here. I will only say it at the the website. I also won't be giving any of you the address for it. It will only be handed out to a select few I hardly know. They will then pass it along the new. You will never know it's mine. Unless you get to know me well in this, see how I think, and pinpoint it. I am gonna wake up around noon tomorrow. The cable man is coming. No I am not getting cable. It's a long story of why it's getting here. I ain't gonna tell it, because it's none of your business. I ain't the one getting cable and no one is moving in with me. That's all you need to know about that. Well I downloaded a song the other night for my sister. It's nothing she knows about. I told her about it tonight. It's Ozzy Osbourne singing while METALLICA plays. She loved the idea of it. I will burn it to a cd one day with other songs for her. Well I am gonna go. I am burned out and tired. Thanks. goodbye. -chad- |
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Surviving - 10/18/01 - Thursday I Had This Dream Once..... Well I don't know really where to start. I am falling into a bad depression state and I don't see things looking good. About the dreams. Well let's just say I am enjoying them a lot more lately. It's like the day is a total waste unless I see my mom, sister, and dog. If I don't see them then I will just go to bed and be lost in a world. I need to be very careful when describing this world, because it's so much more then life. When I talk about dreams, I mean the ones you get when you go to sleep. In my dreams I don't have any mental illnesses. I have no 'Social Anxiety Disorder'. With that I can fully walk up to people and just speak my mind. I am not afraid of anything. I can fight, be myself, and just live life. It's such a great feeling. I just wish it was in this world. Also no 'Schizoaffective' and no 'OCD'. So I don't have to do little rituals. I don't have to be delushional. It's always just fine. And fine gets great. I am me in this world. The me I am supposed to be. I am not mentally ill. I am not depressed. I am what I should be at the age of 22. When I turned 10, it wasn't gonna ever be the same way again. I was reborn with hell. If I didn't get this way ever. I would be normal. Define normal. I just say I would be without a mental illness and illnesses. That is normal to me. Oh god. I am sorry for just being me sometimes. I don't know what to think and feel. People don't even grasp I am like this. They don't even try. They fucking act like it's my doing when I am bad off. Like I did this to myself. Well I will see you guys in hell. Specially when I have the power down there. I want to go back to the dreams. I can't remember them all, but I get these great feelings from them. Like it's my world I am supposed to be in. I don't know how to explain it. It's like I am supposed to dream for twelve hours a night. I know that's a lot of sleep, but try being this way. You get tired a whole lot. People just don't get the suicidal lovers. If I wasn't suicidal, I would know how to live. That's how it goes with me. This is the world I know. This is me. These are my people. These are my feelings. You know there is 5 reasons that I have not to die. Want to hear them? Well get ready. They may not mean that much to you. First there is my mom. Without her I cannot live. She controls my life. I am not meaning that like she is a bad person. I mean that as I let her. I don't know how to judge stuff. So I get her to do it for me. That's not all I like about her. I love her so much. She means the world to me. I love my mom more then life. She is a big piece of the puzzle. The next is my sister, momo. Amanda aka momo is a great sister. If I seriously had a choice I'd pick her to be my best friend from the start of life to the end. I'd want to die before her basically because I don't think I could handle her and my mom's deaths. Amanda means the world to me too. She is a big part of why I haven't commited suicide. God I love her. Thanks for everything Amanda. The third reason is my dog. You don't understand this one and you never will. So don't even try. She is it. She makes me smile when I see her in the house. I totally love her so much and she is all about life to me. I love this dog and totally worship her. Her name is BamBam. Why she was named that? I don't know. We didn't name her, but I seriously wouldn't change her name for the world. That's how I know her and I don't think her name is stupid. I think it's beautiful. I love it and her. Ok here's the fourth reason. I am afraid of death. See I don't believe in any religious things. So I don't have a heaven in my mind. I am agnostic. I sometimes believe there is a god and sometimes don't. Sometimes I believe in reincarnation and sometimes not. Sometimes a heaven and sometimes not. Sometimes a hell and well you know, sometimes not. So I don't have this big view of whats going on. I don't know who made me, what made me, or if I just appeared. I don't know what to believe. If there is a god and I kill myself? I go to hell. If there is just evolution and I kill myself I might get a worse life. You know? I don't know what to do really. Well, the fifth reason. I will keep that a secret. You may already know it if you know the way I talk. It's easy to figure out. Well I need to go for now. It's not like I am gonna do anything. I am just gonna go. Thanks. goodbye. -chad- |
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Surviving - 10/14/01 - Sunday Death Is A Short Goodbye To A Long Story I don't fucking think people get I have three god damn mental illnesses ruining my life. They think just because they work they are better then me and shit. Well I got news for you. Your job is a lot easier than mine. Enough of that. I started a "Shout Outs!" page but took it down. I didn't like what I wrote. Like it was wrong or something. I go through this a lot. I even think I deleted an entry into my journal once, because I thought it wasn't right. I totally don't go into every detail. There is one thing stopping me from going into every detail. That thing is a mental illness. Not meaning one. I mean really one of the three. It's named a shitty name too. It's called "Social Phobia" or yet another name I been told was "Social Anxiety Disorder". I been told both. I don't know if they are different or what. I just know I am one or both. It stops me in the sense of being confronted about my life. Being made fun of in a way. It ruins my fucking life. One day all that will change. There is a certain day marked where I will have a journal where no one will know it's me. I will say everything and all. Don't try to look for it just yet. It will be a while. Seeing as how I am fucking poor. I can't get over the fact that I am made to be rich and yet I am filthy poor. Like I am in the wrong for something I did in a previous life. I don't know what to think really. No one in my town gives a rats fucking ass about me. If they did they would be more open to my mental illnesses. None EVER god damn asked me what it is like. NO ONE. So I will remember them when I am fucking back in the saddle again. That day is coming soon though. You will all see and you will all not believe it. A god walked one day, he shall walk again. I will get into writing heavly. I am writing suicidal poetry. Stuff that makes me break down and crumble. No one has read it yet. I might end up burning it before anyone reads it. Like this mystery. That no one will ever see, but me. I am thinking about saving my poetry though. On my wedding night I will give it to my wife. I will tell her that this is how all those hurtful nites put pain in me. These are my words. Then I will tell her thats all changing, because she is here. She will be the one to cover those wounds. No one cares is an obvious statement. They are your friends, but to a certain extent. I have one friend that actually asks me if I am doing alright. I will remember that for sure. Well to fill in holes of all this I will go over a bit about myself. I stay true to the fact that I am saving myself for marriage. So far I am the only guy I know in my home town that is doing it. I think there is one other guy. I don't know really. I am not waiting for that special someone. I am waiting for my wedding nite when I can give the ultimate gift. I am tired of all these careless sluts talking about "getting it" from their boyfriends. I want a gurl that totally wants my heart and nothing else. Someone who can love me for every bit of pain, love, happiness, and joy. I want her to feel it when I cry for losing the world in my hands. Do you think I will meet her in my hometown? I don't think I will. I highly doubt that. I haven't met any like that yet. I mean I meet them all the time on the internet, but they can say shit like that all day long and when it all comes down to it. They are not there. They are with the white trash. They aren't there. I am struggling to find her. I am not after fucking pussy. I WANT LOVE. I NEED LOVE. I CRAVE FOR LOVE. Only my sister knows a half story about what I am about to tell. I won't tell the whole story, because I don't want to relive that nite. It was the worst pain I ever felt in my entire life. See in my hometown I met a gurl. She was everything to me. I didn't tell many people about her. We flirted and made all kinds of passes at each other. It was the best feelings I ever felt in my life. I was in the game of love. Or starting at the line. Well one night I felt as though I lost her. Which I did. I can't ever explain this. But I couldn't cry. All I could do is wish for a gun. I wanted to paint the walls that night. Paint them red. I was on medication, but NOTHING could have prevented that night and the next couple of days. My sister seen me as depressed as ever. Everyone sensed it, but no one really knew. Well until now. I am not giving out any other info about this. Only what is said now. Let's just say we don't ever see each other anymore and we don't talk the few times we do cross paths. We just look and smile. Like it was all lost and gone. Most of these entries are about suicide. The nights I feel like killing myself. I been told all kinds of things by email. Like these few words here: mad, crazy, stupid, sad, caring, sweet, nice, and more. I been told by some they understand me. Some even want to further a relationship with me. But they are nothing I want. I mean they are everything that I like, but not the one I need. I need to stop. I am gonna go. I will be alright. -chad- |
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Surviving - 10/03/01 - Wednesday Flagstaff, Arizona You are probably wondering what the title means. Well it won't be totally explained in this journal entry. It will take time of me talking about it. Flagstaff, Arizona is a dream for me. It's like the perfect town. It's amazing. I passed through it with my dad and loved everything in it. I hope to make a trip up there by myself and have time to just sit back and look around. Maybe "she" is there. If "she" is, then I won't have any other reasons to die. The only items stopping me from packing up and movied there is my dog named BamBam, my mother, and sister. I care only for them. They are my reason for living. Everything else is cool and stuff, but I don't think if I only had it I would live. I know I talk about being this way a lot. You know the whole suicidal deal. But you guys just don't get it. No one does. I am tired of people saying they want to kill themselves because of depression. Oh you got depression? Big fucking deal. Try having three mental illnesses. I will explain what they are and stuff. Schizoaffective is a mental illness with the following items in it. It has Schizophrenia and Bipolar Disorder or Severe Depression disorder. OCD is another item I have. OCD stands for Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. It's got like 10 fucking things that go with it. If you ever seen "As Good As It Gets" then you know a little bit about OCD. My third and final nail in the coffin is Social Anxiety Disorder. I know what you are thinking. This guy says all kinds of mean things, rude things, romantic things, sad things, on here. The whole meaning is I DON'T SAY THEM IN PERSON. I might! But it's rare. There is so many things that kill me, but so little that keeps me going. I sometimes wish I would die in my sleep, but then I'd miss out on some great things that would happen in my life. I would totally get some major bad things too. There is a chance with everything really. Like the quesion, "Is she for real"? Or the other questions. About women online. I talk to a number of them. I get flirty with them and stuff. I used to only do that with one, before I started getting fucked over. Now I flirt with all the ones I want. If one gets serious it's not me job to be serious back. See who is to say she is honest? Who is to say she is the one? Who is to say it's not some bitch just fucking with you? It can be so many things. It can be a joke. Or the worse yet, she can be you. Do you understand that one? Let me make it clear. She can be like you in flirting with others and not being serious with just one. She could have been screwed. Like I said before and I will say it now. It's ALL about chance. I blabbed on enough. Bye for now. goodbye -chad- |
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Surviving - 08/22/01 - Wednesday Get Tiffany Well time to think. Back in the saddle again. This coming Monday is my first time at a college. Well second time. This time it's a fresh start. I am going for Creative Writing. I doubt I will make it, but I have to try. I am gonna try my best. If my best isn't good enough. Then it's another failing time in my old damn book. BamBam, Bambi is deaf. She has been deaf for a couple months now. I am kinda sad about it. It means another day closer. I mean she can't even hear me say "I Love You" or "Goodnite Baby". It's sad and stuff. MoMo is doing great. She still has her new truck and she is loving the hell out of it. She has a big speaker system set up in it and she just got a radio. She is all set up. I am happy for her. I hope she is enjoying life for everything that she has in it. I am proud of her. She is a damn good sister. IMHO better then any others. IMHO means In My Humble Opinion. It's a internet saying. It's also IMO which means In My Opinion. Well I am gonna cut this short. Thanks goodbye -chad- |
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Surviving - 08/07/01 - Tuesday Death is but a short reality Well I been switched on medication and I been feeling great. I can't email my list anymore because listbot shut down the use of free service. I can't afford to pay for the list. So if you read this and know of a free emailing list, please let me know. I will be very happy. Thanks. On to other things in my life. Ok? Like I said I been feeling great. I am on some different added medication and it's been working. My only problems are motivation and getting up in the mornings. I been hanging out with my friends a lot more. It's been fun. I do wish I had a female companion though. I wish I had love. I just enrolled into LSUE. I am going to for Creative Writing. I am excited about this. I am hanging in there the best I can. They are gonna help me as far as my mental illness goes. Like with tutoring and more. Taking notes also. So I am grateful for that. I will do my best. If I can't make it, well at least I tried. You know what I mean? I am gonna cut this entry short because mom is supposed to call me. So I can go move some stuff out of the old house. See the landlord made us move. She sold the house behind our backs. Well luckily after a while of searching we found a house to rent. It's in my mom's and step dad's price range. No I am not moving back in with them, I am happy where I am now. I just want to help them get their place situated. I just fixed up my website bigtime. I am gonna go through it and totally change everything. I want it to look good. Not to impress other people. I want it to look good to me. You know? I want it to be so damn cool in my view. Fuck what other people think. Specially metal heads that put down my music. Well not much is really happening. I am gonna go scan a picture of me with blue dreads. I cut my hair! -chad- |
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Surviving - 07/06/01 - Friday It's back and this time it brought a friend. Well my depression seems to be coming back. I seriously am scared because I don't know how I will be fighting it this time. I really need my friends this time. My internet friends. I need you guys to really help me. If you read these entries and want to help. Just email me a comment, complaint, or advice. Or do all three. It doesn't make a difference to me. Well yes it does. I need some help here. My grandmother passed away. It was my dad's mom. There is a ton of history here. So I will cover it the best I can. Let's see. First in about 1990/1991 my dad's dad died. It was a hard loss. Everyone took it so hard. What gets me is that he was an abusive alcholic. I never got a chance to know him. Because I was just a kid. But I can still hear stories. It's some horrible shit. He beat my dad and my grandmother. He would put them through hell. It was worse then nowadays. Well the brothers went through crying and stuff for my grandfather's funeral. They cried a bit during my grandmother's funeral. But not enough. See they hardly went visited her in the nursing home. They hardly gave a shit to visit their own mother. I was one of the paul bearrers. Me, Joe, Roger, Casey, Bradly, and Nick. It was an honor to do it and it made me feel pretty good. I thought that was the best way to tell her goodbye. Even though she couldn't tell me bye. I wanted to tell her goodbye. But I didn't know the feeling to put it behind it. It's over now and behind me. Well tomorrow, July 7th 2001, my mom is getting remarried. I have mixed emotions about that. But I am gonna keep it to myself. It's what she wants and what I want is for her to be happy. So I am gonna be with her on it. She asked if I would give her away. So I am pretty excited about that. Carrying my grandmother in the casket and giving away my mom is two big steps in becoming a man. Also I am finally gaining weight. Which is a big thing to me. They say it's the medication. I don't believe that shit. I believe it's me getting older. They can believe what they want. I will believe the truth. Well I just wrote two paragraphs and deleted them. Why? Well here it goes. You probably know by now that I have three or four mental illnesses. Well I hate confrontations. It isn't because I am scared of the other person. It's because I have "Social Anxiety Disorder". It's pure hell. I just can't take the tension and pressure. I wrote something about someone in my town. Someone that could possibly read this. But I don't want to talk about it with this person. So I am gonna only tell certain people about this shit. Ok? Well if you don't like it, then fuck you. I don't care. Have you heard of LSU? LOUISIANA STATE UNIVERSITY? Well I am gonna go take some classes at LSUE. LOUISIANA STATE UNIVERSITY EUNICE. It's a good size branch off of LSU. I am gonna take some writing classes. Mainly creative. I want to become a better writer and do something I totally love doing. I want it to be a hobby then maybe focus it on a carreer someday. It's just a minidream. I know it isn't kindly out there but I need something like that in my life. Well I am gonna cut this short. I hope to see you back real soon. Talk to you later. |
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Surviving - 06/20/01 - Wednesday I know I got a number of you on my emailing list and some of you totally looking forward to these. So I am gonna try my best to keep them updated. But it's hard when your life is plain and dull. Plus I am totally thinking constantly. Running shit through my mind all the damn time. I am totally getting burned out on these thoughts. Well they put me on some medication to help me sleep. It's called Remeron. I might have not spelled that right. Well it's also to boost my Celexa. I been feeling really damn good lately. It's totally working. So I am happy. I am getting my stuff together and totally enjoying what little bit of life I can enjoy. See, if you don't already know this I am 'Schizoaffective', 'OCD', 'Social Anxiety Disorder' and 'Social Phoabic'. I don't know if I am either 'Social Anxiety Disorder' or 'Social Phoabic'. The psy doc and therapist said each a different one. So I am either both are on. Who Knows? I got some new pictures of my godson Davey J. I got four of them to be exact. I will keep his real name out of this. Because this is just about me. He is so damn cute in the pictures. I need to find out where my cousin moved to so I could go visit him. I miss him. I will find out one day though. Well right now my grandmother is in the hospital. She has pneumonia. Bad spelling. I know. Well she also has fluid around her lungs or heart. She is real bad off right now. It's going through my mind a lot. None of us really gave a fuck to go visit her. My mother and I would go once a week. But she got so bad off it was making me sad. I just couldn't go see her anymore. I know thats for shit. But it's the truth. I didn't want to see what was once a stable lady, is now a bitter mess. You know what? Fuck your god. I can't believe this shit. Someone who doesn't deserve a fucking thing gets shit dumped on her/him. It's not cool at all. Oh well. That's my thought. Tonight I went to 'The Waffle House'. I ordered a Coke and a 'Double Order Of Hashbrowns, Scattered, Diced, Steamed. Scattered means they are scattered on the grill. Diced means chopped tomatoes are put on them. Steamed means the hashbrowns are layed on the grill and ice is put on top of them to steam cook them. It's more heathly and less oil. There is still oil on the grill but it gets less and is real good. I love them. I get them for free sometimes. I got tonights for free courtesy of 'S'. A little jewish boy. hehe. You know, I been thinking a lot lately. About college and stuff. Here's the story. I went to a college called 'Full Sail'. It was a film and video school. It is the best anywheres. It is for computer graphics in movies, film, and all kinds of other stuff. See I had the symptoms of mental illnesses, but I didn't know I had one and didn't know what was going through me. So I was ready for school and went. This was in late of 1999. I had the best apartment. The best school. A cool car. And all kinds of options. I started to go under major pressure there. Being out of school for so long and not studying like I used to. I kept falling behind. I kept suffering all the time. I started to explode. I blew up and started freaking out. I had stressful situations. Well I talked to my mom about all this and she set it up for me to see a counsiler. So I went. After two or three visits she suggested that I move back home and see a psychiatrist. She didn't tell me about the moving back home. She told my mom. She just told me and my mom that I needed to go back on medication. I didn't know what to think. Well after a VERY bad conversation with my mom. All of the badness on my part. I decided to pack up everything and move back home. I had to fucking go to the school and totally withdraw. It was heart breaking but a big relief. Well my grandfather paid for a mover. Thank everything to him. He is a total gift for my family. We moved back home. A little bit later I started seeing a psychiatrist and got diagnosed with my first mental illnesses. I got diagnosed with 'Schizoaffective'. It's a combination of 'Bipolar Disorder', 'Schizophrenia', and 'Severe Depression Disorder'. Well a long way until now. Many tried medications and much fighting and pain. I am here now. With three more mental illnesses. Maybe two. I am fucking disgusted with myself for not succeeding and for not getting my dream. But I am also realizing that I am only 22. Most people don't hit their prime until they are 40 or over. So I got a long way to go. I got to battle these mental illnesses and get my dream. Damn thats hard. Shit. I don't know man. I just wish I would at least get a break. I can't work because I can't take any pressure. I barely get any money on SSI, Social Security Income. But I do know, I at least get that. I fought over a year and a half for that. I do believe I am 'The God'. I even go by that name on the internet, hehe. I go by BadMagic, PureGod, -god-, Mental_Man, Apple, imcnote, cnote, Mr Spears, and Sparky. Also the coolest well semi coolest name 'i_failed_in_life'. Well I been thinking a lot lately. I am gonna cut this off for not. Goodbye for tonite. |
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Surviving - 06/03/01 - Sunday Let's see. I bitched and moaned a lot lately. But it has attracted a small fan base. So I think that is pretty cool. Thanks to all my readers out there. Also thanks for your emails and feedback. I am always into hearing your side. Also feel free to sign up for my emailing list. I know it sends out an ad with it, but that is not my ad. I don't make any money off of this. I do this to help myself out and to feel good. I also do this so people know they aren't alone. Well not a lot has been happening lately. I have an added medication. It's called "Remeron". I might be spelling that wrong. It's a sleeping pill. It was also help to boost my "Celexa". I am also on "Welbutrin" and "Risperdal". I am hanging in there. So thanks goes to all those who make it easier for me. The medication is really helping. I am liking life a bit better now. I still got that pain. But you can't cure the whole cancer. Ps. I don't have cancer. I am just using that. Well tonight I may have found a room-mate. Her name is Nikki. I will call her that for short. So I don't give away her idenity. She works at "The Waffle House". She's so smart and beautiful. She also has a baby. I can put up with that. I hope it works out. I could use extra help with the bills and rent. She is all set up now. So it's all good. Incase you don't know I am part of a support group. We meet Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. We cook meals, have small classes, meet with a psy doc, and meet with a Therapist. It's cool. I know this guy in it named "J". I am saving his indenity. He's real cool. I believe he is in his late 30s and a quiet guy. He and I are good friends now. I am gonna invite him to my mom's wedding. I don't know if he will make it there though. Well I am gonna cut this short for now. Goodbye! |
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Surviving - 05/07/01 - Monday Well today started off fucking boring as hell. I totally want to get out of the support group deal and go home. But I need to stick with something I find boring so later when I am able to work again. I can handle a job. I am starting to think about working again, but that will be in the future. I still can't take the pressure. It's too hard and way way to great. Damn. I think I will try to stick out with the support group for as long as I can. I will use them for my advantage. It's a free psy doc visit, a free therapist, free lunches, free field trips, and free meditation. Can't beat that shit. I just have to put up with absolute boring shit. That's the tough part. Everything else is spread out. Well I am gonna totally piss you guys off and make some happy. I had a GREAT NITE! Let's see. Where should I start. Well my friends came to pick me up. My chain wallet broke. So I tried to fix it and my friend Kade said she would get my friend Dan to fix it. So I told her I bought some more Indigo Blue hair dye. For when she wants to redye it. So she said yes and to bring it. So I did. With a shower cap. A dotted one, hehe. Well we went to their house. Dan fixed my chain link wallet and tightened some of the others. I only had one plier so I couldn't do much. Well we sat around and talked. Later Kade dyed my hair. She shook up the bottle and it came out THICK. I never seen it so thick. I felt dumb because I wasn't doing it right. Well we washed my hair. Put the dye it. Washed it again. It came out real dark Indigo Blue. It's beautiful. I got compliments on it. Well me, Kade, and Dan went to the Waffle House. My Waffle House gurl was working. I toked up big time. I was so fucking happy and shit. Toke isn't always used as a drug slang, I am using it as a natural high. Want some natural highs? Email me and I will send you to my page of them. Well we saw my sister and her boyfriend making out and shit. Dammit! I didn't get mad. We talked to them for a little while. I stole some Coke Tabs off one of the cooks trucks. This one chick at The Waffle House collects them for people with diabetes. For every 100 they get. Someone gets 1 minute of dialeses. I know, bad spellings and shit like that. Well we go in and L, that's The Waffle House gurl, is smiling and shit. Well she brought everyone their drinks and forgot about me. Well she was preparing some food and I said, "I guess I don't need a coke". I was just joking. She apologised. I told her to fix those peoples food first. Well she came back with my coke, hugged me and gave me one hell of a fucking kiss on my cheek. I had the biggest fucking smile on my face. It totally made my horrible weekend go away. Hell yeah baby, hehe. Later I saw her looking sad. So I told her a little sweet note and she totally gave me the sexiest hug and rubbed my back. I was like fucking hell yeah. It was so cool. I am totally in love. Well I had a damn good nite. Thanks for listening. See you later. -chad- Ps. Some friends should learn to grow up. |
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Surviving - 05/06/01 - Sunday Well the pain is real bad today. I am hoping so much to see the psy doc tomorrow. I don't know what to do anymore. Life is boring, it doesn't look like I am gonna get the gurl, and my whole dreams of doing something with my life is getting to seem unrealistic. I still think about being a Janitor again. It's not a stressful job. Plus I think I could handle it. When I am doing well and on the right medication. Which is far from how I am and what I am on now. I wish someone could totally save me from all of this. How? I don't really know. I just need an angel or some godlike person to enter my life. Maybe the Waffle House gurl. Whenever I go to Waffle House with my friends and I know she will be there working. I totally get all excited and fucking bigtime happy. Damn do I wish my life wasn't real. I wish it was all a bad dream and that I totally wake up being 9 years old again. Without hitting 10 and totally wanting to die ever since. If I was 9 years old and stuff, well, I'd be so happy. I wouldn't have my mental illness and I wouldn't be wanting to die 24/7. People don't care. I ask for help and people sit on their fucking hands. You think this will just pass over? Bull shit. It ain't going anywheres anytime soon. Fuck, I don't know what to do. I seriously don't know. -chad- |
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Surviving - 05/05/01 - Saturday Well here goes another shit list journal entry. Ok here goes my fucking bullshit life. I am so tired right now of fucking living. This shit is getting so fucking old. When I go to my support group this Monday I am gonna request to see the doctor. The fucking medication isn't working worth a shit. I am getting lows all the fucking time and my depression is getting more worse everyday. On top of that friends aren't worth a shit lately. Hang in there. Yeah fucking right. No one said I have to live. No one said I was gonna have a good life. I am god damn trying with this shit. I am trying so fucking hard. Do you think I actually go back and read this shit? No I don't. I let you fuckers read this shit. If you don't read it no one will. Damn, something has to give. If I don't get a love life soon. I don't know what will happen. I for sure don't want the gurls I like to hear that. Then they would date me to keep me alive. That would be even more painful. I have no fucking life. Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays I go to a fucking support group from 10am fucking o'clock to 3pm. Other then that I am waiting an old rerun movie, I am visiting my mom, or I am on here. Sure that sounds like a lot to do. But when it's what you are doing all the time. It ain't shit. I wish I had the pain to go away so I could work. You fucks are so lucky that you get to work. You take that shit for granted big time. Well I don't feel like talking anymore. I guess thanks for listening. -chad- |
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Surviving - 05/04/01 - Friday Well let's see. Today was fucking boring. Sure I had a lot going on, but I totally didn't feel comfortable all day. I didn't care for today. I woke up early and went to my support group meeting. It's Friday so we go on a field trip. We went to Petro Bowl. It was cool. I sucked badly and only scored a 65. But hey, I had fun and that's all that counts to me. Fuck scores. I just want to hit some pins. It's cool as hell to bowl. I might go back when I start making some extra money. Well later on I didn't do much really. Today I went to my friend's house and played three games of Magic. I won the first one. Lost the second. And gotten my ass handed to me in the third one. I got a damn good deck though. If you understand it you have to know sometimes the cards just don't come out right. It's sorta like poker. You can have shit luck one hand. But in Magic there is no bluffing. Well the Waffle House gurl I like worked tonight. I flirted with her a bit. She didn't come to see me Tuesday like she promised. She said she was sick and slept most of the day. I will totally give that to her. But she told me she'd call back Wednesday. Well she didn't. I questioned her about it tonight and she said she was either sleeping or going out. That's bullshit. She went out to have fun. She could have called me for 30 fucking seconds before going out. She is uncool. I waited many times by the phone for her. Totally not getting on the net. But I guess you'd say my loss. Cause I still really like her and I might be overreacting. If you will send me emails about my journal pages I'd love it. Just if your gonna comment please list what you are commenting about. Because I will have no idea what you are talking about. I welcome all comments. Good comments, bad comments, and anything else. Send me whatever you feel. If my life needs improvement tell me. If there is something I could do to get better let me know. If you want to be my friend let me know. I was real depressed lately. More so then usual. Finding out this Waffle House gurl was working tonight really boosted me up big time. Now I am kinda feeling down about it, because I think it's a one sided deal liking her. Oh well. I am gonna end this for today. Thanks for listening. Goodbye. -chad- |
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Surviving - 04/30/01 - Monday This is a decent nite. So there is no pain and drama coming from this insert. Look at this as a good point. The next step in my life. Hopefully tomorrow will lead off of today. Well over the week. I have been flirting with this lady at the Waffle House. The same place where my sister works at. Well I started off joking about her living in my closet. Then the joke progressed into me feeding her crackers while in my closet. It is cool. She is so sweet. I love her smile and her eyes are to die for. If I can totally pick someone to hold in my arms its her. I just love her and totally picture her in my mind. I totally want her to be the next one. If you know me then you know what that means. Well not much is going on really. Let's see. I been in this new support group. There is about 12 of us. I am one of two guys in it. The program leaders set goals for us and stuff. We cook meals and have group meetings. Every Friday we go on Field Trips. Last Friday we went to this Castle that was built to match one in France. It has all kinds of old antiques. Like 300 year old furniture. Very cool shit. I am liking it, but it's a bit boring. I am gonna stick with it though and make it work for me. I totally want a change in my life. I want a medication change. My Depression is getting worse. I don't do my dishes, I don't do laundry, I don't cook, and other stuff that I should be doing. It sucks real bad. Today I took a good hot hand shower bath. I felt so refreshed and it made me feel good. Because of my Depression I don't really spend much time in the bathroom washing up. I know, it sounds gross, but try living with Severe Depression Disorder. I found out I am "Schizoaffective", "OCD:Obsessive Compulsive Disorder", and "Social Anxiety Disorder". I couldn't believe I got a third choice out of the deal. I hope I handle it well. I always had the Social one, but it's real bad at times. The only place I can express myself is the internet. People knock the internet to much. Fucking assholes don't understand what it's like to suffer like me. Ok here's the drama. I don't have anything in my life to do except talk to my net friends. My friends work and shit. What the fuck am I supposed to do? Go for a fucking walk? Bullshit on that. My sister and her boyfriend wants to hook me up with this other gurl that just broke up with her boyfriend. I like the gurl and stuff, but I really really like the Waffle House lady. She totally is so beautiful and so much of a flower. I told her tonight she has a pretty smile and she totally blushed. It was such a great feeling. I felt so alive and so happy. If you know me well, I don't feel alive and happy hardly ever. I may look happy, but that is a totally different thing then feeling happy. Fuck the world. I kinda figured for a long time my sister was dating her boyfriend. They kept it a secret because he is about 3 to 4 years younger then her. So it's kinda weird for her. But she likes him a lot. My sister's boyfriend's birthday is this Wednesday. I bought him a cd of Sports Rock songs. It's got some great music on it actually. I also bought him a guy's kind of card. I signed it and shit. I hope he likes it. Well not much is really happening right now. So I am gonna end this. If you need to. Email me. -chad- |
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Surviving - 04/25/01 - Wednesday I know I skip around a lot in this journal and I don't get all out what I want to say. Mainly it's just my feelings and not my daily life's rituals. Lately I been in this support group. It's run through Medicaid. It's where mentally ill people get together three days a week and do stuff together. I enjoy it, but I still feel hollow inside. I am gonna stick with it the best I can. But the thing is I am totally not happy with hardly anything anymore. No gurl, no money, no life. It's soon to be the end. Dammit. I need that friend in my life. No not someone I am talking to. Someone that can live with me and totally be there for me when I am going through an extreme low. Someone that can say "put down the gun", "don't overdose", "leave the rope down". I need that person there for me. Times are tough and dealing is getting worse. For which I fall, shall be my last remorse. Fuck em all. Kill em all. That's said but bands. I say let them all live. Let them not pay attention to me. Let me stay in my corner. Let me look at the ground. Don't tell me to join the party. Don't tell me it will be fun. Fuck you. I say fuck you asshole. Fuck you bitch. Leave me the fuck alone. I don't need this bullshit of being told I need to belong to something. I am going to a certain rally this Saturday. Because of what kind of rally it is, I am not allowed to say it here. I bet you can pretty much guess what it is. I am going supporting the cause. I will stand up for my beliefs. I don't need anyone to tell me different. Hope to see you there. I hate this shit. I don't care for shit what I just wrote. I am talking about the whole fucking thing. I am still gonna post it because people are actually reading this shit. So I gotta give them something. By the way. Thanks for reading. I appreciate it. It makes me feel a bit honored and shit. I could care less about half the people in my life. People that make fun of me. That hurt my feelings. That think my pain isn't real. That I always got a smile on my fucking face. Everything will be alright Chad. Every fucking thing will be all fucking right. Bull fucking shit. I seen the end and it's near. I just bought the new 'Dido' cd. It's got a song on it titled "Thank You" that I love so much. It's so beautiful and so cool. It was featured on the 'Eminem' cd. It was included with the song titled "Stan". Kick ass song too. I love them both. Anyone out there, that is somewhat attractive, sweet, female, caring, understanding, white, and altogether a love would like to chat with me, just email me at the bottom of this page. I am not the best looking guy. I am not the coolest. I am probably not anywheres close to being a lucky loser. I am just me. Way below average and a low life scum. Just email me. What have you got to lose? Oh fuck it. Leave me alone. You wouldn't want me any ways. You probably are to preppy, stuck up, a bitch, a cocksucking slut, a crack whore, a drug head, and a little princess bitch. Am I too hateful? To negative? To fucking moronic? Probably so but I ain't you and thats a damn good thing to me. See I don't know if I would ever want to get rid of my mental illness. It's totally me. Ok here goes my best idea for me. Let's see this. Ok I am given one wish. A wish for anything. I could wish for my mental illness to be gone, for billions of dollars, for my grandfather to be back alive. Yes that would all be the tops. I wouldn't take my wish. Let me try my best to explain why. I think it would be a fake life. Like let's say I wish I'd been born rich, but with the same family. First off, I'd be saying goodbye to my Waffle House sister, my bill paying mom, my plumbing dad, my sweet princess bambam, and all my friends on and off the computer. I would have never met you guys. Plus I don't know if my sister would be stuck up. Or hate me. If everything was so perfect in that wish life, I still wouldn't want it because it totally isn't the life I am living now. I don't know if I explained that well though. I tried my best. I just wouldn't want something that isn't mine. But you say this. I was given the wish. It was meant to be part of my life. It was installed into my future. Well that is your way of thinking. To me it's a crutch. Just like god and satan is. I don't need a crutch. I sometimes think people tell me my mental illness is a crutch. But those fuckers don't have a mental illness. They are their own crutches. Well I am gonna go for now. Goodbye. -chad- |
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Surviving - 04/20/01 - Friday Well I made it through another "Suicidal" nite. This one was pretty fucking bad. My anger went through the roof. Temper went off. Rage was soaring. Everything was getting hit points, but my sweet little heart. I didn't have anyone to turn to. I called my mom's house twice, but no one answered. This is real late. I don't have a car so I couldn't go meet my sister at work. I have no real friends, so I couldn't call them. I couldn't walk to my mom's because of my paranoia and the fact I attract violence. You know, it keeps pounding my head. Out of all the pieces of shit I know. Why am I the one to suffer? Everyone I know except my mom and sister is a total selfish, wanna be bad ass, piece of shit. They need to wake up and realize they ain't worth what they think they are. That their little lives aren't so great and that this person is just a fucking loser. Well onto other things. It's 3:42am Saturday morning. I am waiting for 5:10am to roll around, because thats what time my mom's boyfriend wakes up to go to work. That way I can call my mom to come get me so I can talk to her. I am still pretty bad off right now. I even tried music. I heard some damn good songs on the radio and I am still like this. I seriously need to fall in love. Don't fucking tell me that it doesn't help. Apparently you ain't in love and never have been in love you piece of shit. I know what I need. Not you. I know what the fuck I need for my life. I know the pain I go through. I have every right to blame my downfalls on my mental illness and not myself. My mental illness controls me. If you think I should change that around, then ask yourself a simple fucking quetion. What mental illness do you have? What is that? You don't have one? Oh right! You are sane. Well let me tell you something, Go fuck yourself asshole and/or bitch. I don't need your shit. You will never in your fucking life understand what I am going through. Read all those fucking mental illness books, study your classes, learn from others, do every little fucking thing you can about mental illnesses. I can guaren-fucking-tee you won't even close come to what I go through every fucking second. What is that? A small always on my face? Do you know why I am smiling? Because your a fucking idiot and you will die soon. I am picturing you in a coffin with no oxygen, your body decaying, and you screaming from the inside. Goodbye loser. I often dream about overdosing. I ain't stupid though. I know about getting your stomach pumped. I know how bad that hurts. I know what pills to take to knock myself out and to get rid of myself. Did I take them yet? No. Why not? Because I am holding on for my true love. All this fucking shit, all this fucking shit, I go through is for her. I don't know who she is, where is she, I don't know a damn thing about her. Sure my likes of women change a lot. I like a different one each day. But I can for sure tell you that when I see her. It's gonna be her. I might be blind at first because I want it to happen so badly. I might make a few mistakes here and there. But I will find her some day and I will give her my all. I will give her my virginity that I have been saving for her. If it would be my way, she'd return the favor. But I will not make her a virgin and not date her because she is not a virgin. I will for sure, love her for who she is and tell her that I needed her from day one, I want to die, and then ask, Where the hell have you been? I'd hope her answer would be a kiss straight on my neck or lips. It would mean the world to me to have her look at me for just one second. If I could meet her and just tell her, all this pain I took is for you. I could die happy. I would have known that I got to meet her and at least let her know I needed and wanted her. Don't worry. I won't kill myself after I meet her and she rejects me. I will hang in there. Love always comes around. Even if it's to late. Well I guess you don't feel like reading anymore. I hope at least someone is reading this. I want to feel like someone is in my life and trying to understand whats going on. At that Cnote@rocketmail.com link below. Click it and drop me a line. You can mention anything you want. Threaten me, tell me you love me, tell me you think I am an idiot, tell me you want to help me, and just say whatever. I am always waiting. Are you? |
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Surviving - 04/08/01 - Sunday Well I am more suicidal then ever right now. I ain't gonna do it. I'd like to get some help, but all they would do is put me in a hospital. And that is real bad. All the shit you go through in the hospital is so bad. The nurses have no care for you and you get stuck with a needle. I have a high phobia of needles. I don't need that shit. It will make me a lot worse. I am hanging in there. Next time I see my doctor I will be asking for my medication to change somehow. I want it increased big time. I just don't know anymore. I am starting to get my life back in gear and this shit gets worse. I am so fucking unhappy. I have nothing to be unhappy about. I get and have everything I want. All except a gurlfriend. That's something I need bad. I can't find one though. If you are out there and need a guy in your life and are willing to come meet me. Drop me a line. I am still clean. No drugs and alcohol. Hell fucking yeah for that shit. Straight Edge is power. Fuck all non believers. I my own god. I need help guys. You know how to get out of hell and enjoy life please tell me. I need someone with me. I have a two bedroom beautiful apartment. I need to find someone for that extra room. Someone that can't hurt me. Someone worthy of it. My good friend Dan said he was gonna score me some dressers for my extra room. That's pretty fucking cool. No moving the shit anymore. Plus tomorrow or Tuesday I am gonna go score me a beautiful black daybed. It's sooo cool. I love it. It's soft too. It's at Super Wal-Mart. Well life is shit. I can't stand it. What is the fucking purpose of life? I know there is no god because why would that one religion be right. Who is to say the other religions aren't right. If god is so great then why is there no jesus anymore. Why is there no real atempt to save mankind. Why fuck us over? Why give me a shitty life? Why make me live in fucking hell? The devil isn't the one to hate. FUCK GOD! Don't believe in the piece of shit. Believe in Satan, because he is our real god. He challenged god and go sent him down to hell. God is a pussy. He knew Satan was better then him. God couldn't handle it. So if you believe, don't fucking preace to me. If you are having a shit fit right now about all this, kiss my ass. I pay $20 a month for this. You don't. I ain't talking about the god damn internet. I am talking about the god damn website ya bitch. Fuck it, back to suicide. I got a lot of things. I got friends, money, a car, computer, internet, a nice watch, apartment, family, pets, bambam, music, movies, big screen tv, vcr, Waffle House, CD-RW, video capture card, video camera, digital camera, 35mm camera, and so much more. I got everything. Everything I fucking want and IT STILL HURTS TO LIVE. It's not like I am unhappy because I will never be rich, my mom died, I lost all my family, my gurlfriend died on me. I GOT EVERYTHING I WANT. What is wrong with me? What did I do to deserve all this? Ahh fuck it. I am gonna go. Just some lame shit said here. Bye. |
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Surviving - 02/06/01 - Tuesday Well where do I freaken start with on today??? Well a week or so back I got a date for my hearing. Yes!!! Well today is the day. I went there very nervous. Dad was gonna meet me and my mom there. Well we get there and the guy goes over the case with us for a bit and asks us some questions. Then he tells us to go downstairs and come back about 1:10pm. So me and mom went down stairs and we filled out some paper that the guy gave us. Well about 1pm we started to go back up stairs. It was on the 16th floor and damn that elevator was bad. It was way to fast. Well we get up there and wait for a bit because it's not 1:10pm yet. As we are waiting I am checking the elevators for dad. Well 1:10pm hits and we are walking in. Then I hear the elevator beep. So I go to see and it was my dad :o) I was so happy. Well we all went in there and then after a little while we were called into the room for the hearing. Dad didn't go in. Just me and mom. Well the guy told me all the stuff that went on. He swore me in and he asked me one question. He asked, "Have you worked since October of 1999". I looked at Mr Overton, my lawcase worker, then I looked at my mom and asked. She said no, so I said no. Well he then said the case is ending and that he wanted to keep the case abreviated. I felt so bad because I thought I didn't get it :o( Well we walked out of the room and then out into the loby. My caseworker said that I was already approved! I was so happy. I hugged mom and dad. Dad cried a bit outside after I hugged him again. It meant a lot to me that he did. We went home and I was happy :o) Well later that day I went to Dan's house. To cut a long story short. Amanda swung by and invited us over to her house to watch a boxing match between Brady and Stoney, Well a lot of people showed up. Stoney didn't show up. So it was Trinity Vs Brady. Brady lost. I was going for Brady. Dammit! Well the next match Trinity went against Kenny. Kenny one with an almost knock out. Then later on Trinity went against Austin. Austin is a free bleeder so he lost. There was a lot of bloody noses. Well we all migrated out into the front room. This one guy stayed in the other room. To cut this story short. The guy stole my sister's roommate's wallet. He denied it. But we had witnesses saying he was in there looking at the table. The table had his wallet on it. Well he left. The a big group of us went to the Waffle House to find him. Jeremy, my sister's roommate called the cops while we were there. Amanda and Jeremy went outside to talk to the cops. The guy went out to see what was going on and the cop said to get back. Well we seen the guy walking off to the side and Dan told me that the cop started chasing the guy. The guy tried to run. It was wild. Well we ended up going to the police station to file reports. We did that and I didn't get home until 1:30am. Well a little later. That's my wild day. Hope you enjoyed all that shit, hehe. Thanks for listening and stuff! |
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Surviving - 01/26/01 - Friday Well sorry for not writing more often. I been kinda of a non writing spree. I was pretty sick a couple weeks ago. I had high fever and stuff. I missed a monster truck show that me, dan, and dennis was supposed to go to. Randy took my place. Dan is a good friend, Dennis is also a good friend, and Randy is my moms boyfriend. Ok here goes a LONG and HORRIBLE story. Wednesday I was awake at about 8am. Don't ask me why. I was just laying in bed and I closed my eyes. I heard someone walk into my room. Which pisses me off. Well I opened my eyes and seen my dad walking towards my bed. He said, "Hey bud, I got some bad news". He said, "Uncle Chuck had a massive heart attack and he is in the hospital. I don't think he will make it". I said, "Oh damn". I was shocked. So I got out of bed, cleaned myself up, put on some clothes and walked out to meet my mom. I later found out my Uncle Chuck had a massive heart attack with just my Aunt Lillie in the house. I then found out that on the way to the hospital, which my cousin Dillard and my Aunt Lillie was riding in the ambulance, my Uncle Chuck had another heart attack and died. They pulled the ambulance over and revived him. Well then I was told, he is braindead and there is nothing they can do for him. I seen him just the other day. Shocked. I didn't know what the fuck was going on. This was the closet person I had known that died. My world is turned upside down and shakened. What the fuck is wrong with this life? Why did my uncle have to go. Who took him? Why can't I see him anymore. I just can't believe this shit. Well I don't remember what time but we drove to the hospital. There was a good amount of people. At least 30 or more. Well a lot of time went by. They kept moving back the time when they were supposed to pull the plug on him. Well after a long time of waiting we get told to go to a conference room. Not everyone went. Just the closet in the family was asked. Well we stood in there for a long time. It seemed like hours because it was so tense. We were waiting for them to pull the plug on my Uncle Chuck and for us to go watch him die. That's fucking sad isn't it? Well my Aunt Lillie broke down and said something like "If you think I am killing my husband tell me now. I don't want to kill my husband". It was sad. Well this guy that I guess deals with the dieing came and told us that when they pull out the oxygen tube and the plugs that he will be gasping for air. That it's just normal. Well we were told it was time. We went into the room and he was gasping for air. At first I could see over everyone because the room was full. Well after a while it started to have less and less people. I got to go in and see my Uncle Chuck. It was horrible. He was gasping for air. It was the worst thing I have ever experienced. It's a very scarey thing. Well a little later we drove home. Time went on. I went picked up Dan, Dennis, and Joey. Some friends of mine. Well we watched wrestling and during the middle part of it the phone rang. My mom went answered it and then came and told me after she was finished that Uncle Chuck Died. I was kinda depressed. Skip ahead to Friday. Which is today. Not much went on. We went to the funeral home at about 1:25pm. We got there around 1:45pm. It was a nice place. We met everyone just about. Dad didn't get there until about 6:45pm. Well now I am home. Tomorrow we are going to go bury him. It's in the same cementary that my Paw Paw is burried. Well I am pretty tired. So I am gonna go for now. Sorry I cut out a lot of the story. Have a goodnite and sweetdreams! |
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Surviving - 12/31/00 - Sunday Where do I start tonight. Actually it is New Years day. 45 minutes pass the hour. So I am gonna count it as Sunday like most of my entries. I don't know what to really say tonight, but I felt the need to write. Well I went back to the strip club. I seen Raven there. She gave me a free lap dance one time. This guy paid for it and shit. It was pretty damn cool. She remembered me. Rami gave me a kiss on the lips. Damn she rules. Very cool lady. I like a lot. Right now I am talking to Tigger(Jennifer). I love her so much. She is the world to me. We have had our rocky ways, but I feel love will see that through. She is getting her own place soon. She invited me to go visit it whenever she moves in. I am gonna go as soon as I get the money. Then I am gonna give her the kiss I always wanted to give my love. She rules so much. I love that gurl. She is very beautiful too. My goodness, hehe. I love her lips, her eyes her cheeks, her whole freaken face, her body, her thoughts, and more. Well I went to see my baby sister at the "Waffle House". She had to work for 'New Years'. I love my baby sister. She is my favorite human. I don't like many humans, but she is one I do like. I really like that digital camera my mom has gotten me. I am gonna post some pictures soon on my website that I have taken with it. Some of the stuffed animals I sleep with, my bed, my tv, my computer, my room, my mom, dad, sister, dogs, birds, my evil hamster, and more. The other day my bigger hamster ate the head of my little hamster. That mother fucker. If I could kill animals, I'd kill his ass. But I believe it's wrong to take a life. So he will live with cheap food for the rest of his sorry ass days. Little bitch ass mother fucker. Well I am gonna go. HAPPY NEW YEAR!! |
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Surviving - 12/26/00 - Tuesday I may be talking out of turn with this. So take it with a grain of salt and an ounce of sand. I am so scared right now. I think one of my lows is coming on. I don't know what to do. I feel all alone and helpless. I am talking to a couple friends on ICQ. India and Angel(Jennifer). They are cool, but nothing can pick me up when I get this low. I feel like flying. I wish I could fly right now. Just downing the air and blazing through the clouds. To feel the death of the soul approaching. My heart racing. The children screaming and then nothing. Silence and whatever happens next in my future. Damn why do I get this life? What the fuck did I do? I am in bad pain right now. This hurts so bad :o( Please someone save me. I need you to save me. I am running out of time at a fast pace. If you are out there, come to me. Be with me, shine in my heaven. A rope, a gun, a couple pills, and the blade. So many outlets, but so little ways to stay. I am staying though. There has to be something good at the end of this storm. Not long ago I went through a very bad week. It was so terrible. Not the stuff that happened, but the way I felt. It ended sweetly though. It ended with my first kiss. That's the whole reason I am holding on. I know out there that there must be something sweet in this sour world and I am gonna stay alive until I get it. I will stay alive till the day I die. Kinda funny isn't it? Oh well. I am feeling better. It's over now. I am out of here. |
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Surviving - 12/25/00 - Monday Hey there. Not much to report. I skipped a couple days there so I am gonna skip around and talk about different stuff like always. Saturday Nite me and Randy, my mom's boyfriend, went shot some pool. We had a good time. I won like over 10 games and he won like 2 or 3. Mainly because I hit the 8 ball in and he won game clean and straight. It was pretty damn cool. After that Randy said he wanted to go drink some coffee at the Waffle House. So I asked him if he wanted to invite my good friend Dan and he said yes. So we went with Dan. My sister was working and we talked for a while and had some fun. It was pretty cool. The next day not much happened. I think this day we gave Randy a beard trimmer and he gave us some gifts. He gave my sister a Panda Bear Sunglasses and me a Britney Spears Poster. YUM YUM! I LOVE BRITNEY SPEARS!!! WOO HOO!!! I had a dream about her tonight. I will explain later. Well me and Dennis went played some magic at the Waffle House. I bet him, he beat me. Then Ronald came by and he kepy playing Dennis. After a while I left and they stayed. Damn I don't really feel like writing much in here tonight. Well let's talk about today. I still feel bad about the comments I made about my digital camera. I am such an asshole. Well I woke up, got dressed, ate some Piggly Wiggly Raisen Bran, and Dennis came by. I invited him to come spend XMas day with me and my mom's family. He said he didn't have anything to do that day. So I thought it'd be cool to invite him. It was an ok day. Not much to note. I pulled Laurie's name for XMas so I got her three videos that she wanted. They were Rain Main, Risky Business, and A Few Good Men. She liked it. She pulled my name which is funny. She got me a Mach 3 razor with extra blades and two Freddy Krueger movies. I wanted all that. They chose for Scot to go first because he is the youngest. Well he went first and gave out his present. About 5 people went and someone had Scot's name. So he got his present. Well I told Jason that I had Laurie's name and she had mine. So Jason shouted out that I should go next. So I went gave Laurie hers and she opened it and gave me mine. Then we were stuck for the second time, hehe. It was funny. Crazy stuff. It was a good day. Amanda invited all the cousins to go to a nite club called "Grain Central Station". We will be going tomorrow nite. I decided I wanted to go. I hope it will be fun. Well me, Amanda, and Dennis left early. We went brought Dennis home and then we went to our house. We got my dad's and Vicki's(my dad's gurlfriend) present then went on to their house. We talked for a while then we exchanged presents. We got dad a nice dress shirt. We gave Vicki a bracelette and an earring set. They gave Amanda a nice dress watched and they gave me a web cam. A very cool webcam. You can make videos in .AVI format, you can record voice, and you can take still pictures. I am gonna go wild with that thing. Well that's all for tonight. Goodnite! |
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Surviving - 12/22/00 - Friday Two fucking words describes tonight. Want to hear them? Ok here they are: WOO HOO!!!! I for the first time in my 21 years of life kissed a gurl on the lips. Who is she? A very hot exotic dancer named Ariel. She kissed me twice on the lips and I made out/kissed another exotic dancer by the name of Raeme. Damn it felt so good. I never really imagined what a kiss could feel like. I always thought it would feel pretty good. But damn does it feel fucking great. I can't believe how fucking pleasureable it is! I want another one soon, hehe. I will have to find me a gurlfriend because I am missing out badly. Very badly. Well onto other things. I been feeling extremely low the last week or so. To top it all off I was an asshole to my mom about my XMas present. I said it wasn't the one I wanted. I guess I am a spoiled piece of shit. I regret doing that so much because I had hurt her. Believe me it passed through my mind thousands of times. I hate the way I am. I am can be so cruel and stupid. I always thought of myself as a loser. I guess this week shows how big of one I am. I hope to one day succeed at something. At least to get a gurl to like me. Forget about the non white gurl. She isn't worth it. She doesn't like long distance relationships. Well I don't mind them because I believe in true love and if I find that true love, fuck whatever distance is between us. Anyways if the gurl really liked me she wouldn't care about distance. So it shows she was just playing me for a role in her life. A love interest and not a heart. Oh well. That's how shit goes sometimes. I will see past that and find her some place. When I talk about her I am talking about my true love. She is out there some place and I will find her. Hell I didn't stay alive for nothing. See it took me a bad week to get to my first freaken kiss. In my opinion that week was worth it. Sure it was hard and took a lot out of me, but I am still here and still alive. Plus I got my kiss. Happy me. I figure all this hard shit I am going through sooner or later it will pay off. I am thinking either money wise and/or love wise. I rather be poor and in love then rich and lonely. Well I am gonna call it a nite. Goodbye, Goodnite, and Sweetdreams! |
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Surviving - 12/18/00 - Monday I know this is jumping the gun here, but since Randy is coming down and my dad is with Vicki I thought we should have XMas a couple days before Randy gets here so it can be just us 4. It maybe our last XMas as a family. This is the first XMas where mom and dad are divorced. I called dad today to see if which day he wanted for XMas. Either Tuesday, Wednesday, or Thursday. He start saying something like he had a busy schedule. Isn't this his fucking family? If he is pulling shit with this family. I am gonna stick it to him real hard and he won't be invited for XMas. I try and do shit with this family and they all have their little plans without us. Fuck them man. I don't have much to live for. As I am, I am trying to get something left out of this horrible life that I have. I think sometimes there is no family and that I am all alone in this world. I don't really tend to my friends much in the sense that they are my family. I have friends and I like, respect, and care about them. But they would never be my reason for living. My dad and sister take over that jump. They are always out with their little friends. Forgetting about us. Bragging about us. I don't need for people to know shit about me. I am me and I am happy to be alone. If I was in prison I'd be most happy. If I was back in the nuthouse I'd be all happy except for the needles. The needles are the only reason I left. That and I missed my family. I love them and put most of my needs ahead of theirs. Sure my mom is there for me through thick and thin, but she has her own world and I have mine. You think she will always be there for me? I don't think so. I will have to find true love. I need her so bad right now. I need that person to watch me sleep, to surprise me with a meal, to cuddle with, and care about. I care about my family. Damn I don't know what to do anymore. I am totally burned out of everything. Oh well. I guess I been given a shitty hand and I will have to fold soon. Unless I bluff and make it until the end where my jackpot will be waiting. My back hurts and I am hungry. So I am gonna go. Goodnite. |
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Surviving - 12/17/00 - Sunday I can't describe the love I have for three gurls. All three are in my heart as more then friends. Which one should I pick? One I ask every fucking time I see her to email me and she doesn't. Her excuse, She doesn't like emails. I can't fucking believe she can't drop me a simple 30 second email. I know she has an email account and for sure has to email some other people because she tells me she is checking emails. Fuck her. I am tired of her bullshit. The other is a huge love. I can't describe how damn beautiful she is. I see her and I am ready to die because she is just so fucking awesome. We have the same loves, the same hates the same freaken power. But the bitch loves hip hop and rap. So I say fuck her. The last is a sweet young canadian love that I want to spend some time with. I don't think she knows the degree how much I love her. Though she is not white. I still love her and put that hate behind me. Of course she isn't of two races I don't like. So everything is cool. I know I'd get heat for loving a non-white when I am always saying they are the best. Which they are. Suck my dick by the way. Well I been thinking about suicidal thoughts. I am gonna put them on hold because I haven't gotten my three wishes yet. I will tell you them a later date. If you read these and see through what I am saying you will know my three wishes. Ok I will give you wish number 1. True Love. Because of these piece of shit mother fuckers out there that just go and fuck anything thats moving and go from relationship to relatioship True Love is getting the fuck over. The second wish is Get Rich. Ok so I am going through all the wishes now. I can do whatever the fuck I want to do. Get Rich is a good idea. Fuck those people that say money can't happiness. They are idiots and will never get anywhere in life. With money I can pay for medication, live on my own, be totally secure, offer my True Love a place to live, eat, sleep, a place to love me, a place to love her. A place to own a beautiful car, a swimming pool, I could buy my family houses, cars, tell them to fuck working and live like kings and queens. My third wish has to do with my second wish. My third wish is For Dad To Live. That means I want to make enough money so that my dad will never be poor, he will never have to bust his ass in the sun, in the cold winter, in the rain. He would be secure and happy. That's just my little world and how I have my three little wishes. I know there is a 90% chance none will come true. But I sure can wish can't I? Well this is all for now. Goodnite and Sweetdreams. Hope you have a wonderful XMas incase I don't get to write again! |
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Surviving - 12/07/00 - Thursday Ok so it's now Friday at 12:30am. So fucking sue me if I am 30 minutes off. I still claim it as Thursday and this is my column so I can do that. Today was pretty interesting. I didn't really get much of a thrill out of most of it. Mostly because, let's call him Mr. X, was in the picture and he is a cock sucker. I will refer to the people I don't like as Mr. X. He was at the Waffle House. Let's start at the beginning. Today I woke up in a great mood. I went took a long hot shower and I got dressed in some nice clothes. My beautiful pair of blue jeans and my lovely black 'Arizona' T-Shirt. I love this T-Shirt. I love these jeans as well. Well I went without eating because I am running out of things to eat. My taste is changing a lot. If I don't find new foods, I am screwed. See I feel like throwing up if I eat some food I been eating for a while. I am finding very little to eat right now. Well after I got up time passed. I took out my video camera, the cord that goes with it, and a blank tape. I actually use the tape to mess around with. What's on it is just crazy shit. Well I went helped mom set up at the Court House. Oh shit I forgot to say what I am doing. We are getting ready for a MADD Candle Light Vigil. MADD stands for Mothers Against Drunk Driving. The Candle Light Vigil is a get together of victums and supporters that want to remember those who were victums of drunk driving. We have singing, poems, stories, and prayers. I don't care for the prayers because I believe they are totally uncalled for. But try telling that to a bunch of god loving morons, haha. My column bitches! Well it's pretty cool. I film the whole event. I been filming it for the last few years. I do it out of the kindest of my heart. Well I do like video cameras. That has something to do with it. Well not much else happened. It went well. Dan called while I was there so I called him back and he wanted to go hang out at the Waffle House. Amanda was supposed to go get him so I beeped her and told her I would go get him. So we went, drank some coffee, then Dennis called. So I went got him. We went back and drank some more coffee. Mr X was there and damn I hate that stupid mother fucker. He is a giant retard. Oh well, he will die soon anyways. Good to know. I ain't gonna kill him. It's just he is unhealthy. So I won't be seeing him much longer. Well I came back home and now here I am. I am gonna say goodbye now. Goodbye! |
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Surviving - 12/04/00 - Monday Whenever you jump the outcome is that you come right back down to earth. How lucky is that? Not so lucky when you are very suicidal. See I wanted to kill myself since I was ten years old. I don't really think many people actually give a rat's ass about that. I am open about it. I even cried about it in front of other people. People react to it at first, but then they just forget about it like it was that once day. I don't get this shit. It doesn't pass over. It doesn't go away. Suicidal thoughts are always there. No matter what you fucking do. I try so much to want to live. There is only two things that keep me going. My family and the thought of falling in love with someone. I am so lonely right now. I ain't talking about sex. What I am talking about is love. I just want someone to love and be in love with. That's all I care about. If she is out there I'd sure like her to come to me. I have a feeling I will never find anyone and that I will be alone all my life. I can barely handle life on my own. How am I gonna share love with someone when I have so much little. Oh well Today I stayed on the internet all day. I helped Den with ICQ skins. I helped him the best I could. He still is having trouble with it. I ain't sure what the problem is. Later after that I went to the Acadiana mall. It was pretty full. Not the fullest I have seen though. I bought my friend Dan two Shania Twain videos. One is her music videos and the other is a VH1 Behind The Scenes video. Later on, I will get Den something. I also bought my cousin Laurie "Risky Business". I have to get her "A Few Good Men" and "Rainman". She wants those for XMas. I pulled her name this year. Actually I pull my Uncle Wayland's name, but he said he wanted hunting stuff so I traded with my mom's boyfriend. He is good buddies with my Uncle Wayland and I kinda wanted Laurie's name so it worked out. My sister got my godfather's name. My Uncle James. My mom got I think well I can't remember. I will find out later. When I got back to my home town Den was here. So I went put my videos up and came and talked to him. I showed him where I store my ICQ Skins. So he could see. I still don't think he got it. It's a bit tricky. He is using a newer version of ICQ Plus. So his may be a little different. We went picked up Dan and Tara. Then we stopped by the store and got some coke. Not the drug. Then we went home with 5 minutes to spare until wrestling started. It was pretty good tonight. I really enjoyed it a lot. After that me, Dan, Tara, & Den went to the 'Waffle House' to drink coffee. We chatted a little, checked out some fine gurls, and went on our way home. I got home and mom was already a sleep. So I came on here. That is about it. Well I am gonna check my emails, then go to bed. Goodnite! |
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Surviving - 11/28/00 - Tuesday Not much went on today. Let's talk about yesterday. I went to the psychiatrist. It went pretty good. I like the guy a lot better then the first visit. This is my second visit with him and it went very well. We talked about my phobias, my worrying, my stress, and my family situation at XMas. First let me talk about the phobias. I have a seriously bad fear of needles. It has basically gotten out of control and is ruining my life. I can't stop thinking about needles and how I soon might get one stuck in me. I am having nightmares about needles. It's killing me stress wise and tearing me up pretty bad. His suggestion was to put me on 20 more miligrams of 'Celexa'. It's one of my medications. That is the only one he raised. The others are staying the same. I hope this seriously works, because I can't take much more of this worrying about needles. I know it may not seem like a big deal to you guys, but take in the fact that I have a mental illness and suffering from a phobia here. It's pretty serious shit. Let's now discuss the whole family situation at XMas. This is the first time we are having a XMas with my mom and dad being divorced. It's kinda hard on me because it's not a real family anymore. My mom and dad both have someone they are in love with now. Both has kids. So we won't be sharing XMas together. We will share a couple days before XMas. On XMas Eve we will be doing probably nothing or me and my sister will be spending the day going back and forth to dads and moms(our house). I just think that this will be our last real XMas ever together. If you can call this year a real XMas. I don't know. Plus we are all gonna be living sperate from each other for next XMas. Things aren't the same anymore. I miss the old times. Even though I always wanted my parents to divorce. |
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Surviving - 11/15/00 - Wednesday Today went pretty well. Not much happened. I went to work with my dad. We had a good time. I checked out a couple chicks and they were pretty nice. One asked about my hair and who did it I told her I did and she smiled. Later on I asked if she wanted me to do her hair like mine, she laughed and said "No thanks, I will stick to being a blonde". She was sweet and cool. Not much else happened. It's the middle of the day right now. I am waiting for wrestling to come on in a couple hours. It's supposed to be cool tonight. I am getting impatient with my Social Security. I amd waiting for my court date so bad. I want it to come soon. I want to get my dad's old house or a better one and move in with my best friend Vicki. She's damn cool and we get along great. She actually makes me smile and laugh. Unlike other people. I really hope she moves in with me. It seems cool with her parents and her mom doesn't mind. We just have to wait for her dad to give his side. Well I watched wrestling tonight. It was good. Lance Storm battled Booker T. Konnan and The Cat fought the Boogie Knights and Kronik interferred. And in the main event Sting beat Big Poppa Pump, Scott Steiner. This means Sting will get to battled Booker T for the championship. Pretty cool. Well I have a headache and I am tired. So I will go to bed now. Goodnite! |
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Surviving - 7-28-99 - Wednesday Today was dull and buring. Nothing really happened at all. You will find that out for sure in my posts here. The only time you will see something at all is when I just go off. Incase your wondering, I am once again uploading a playmate video for a couple friends and downloading nudie pictures. I know, I know. I said this isn't the only thing I do. I just have free typing time while the percentage is counting. Today I was so fucking bored. I went rented a Sony Playstation game called "Twisted Metal 3". It's a car game where you can blow up your opponets and shit. You mainly battle each other and so forth. I rented "4 Rooms" and "Brothers Mulligan". I may have spelled the last one wrong. I most probably did. I will let you know how they were. The guy that ran a stop sign came picked up my car today. He is gonna bring it to his body shop, put a brand new bumper, and then paint it. And this will only take until Friday morning! Can you believe how fucking fast that is?!?!??! I bet you can. Fucking piece of shit asshole mother fucker. I didn't do much thinking today. I mostly was wondering about the Rice job me and a couple guys are supposed to get. We haven't been called and it's been WAY past due. I just want some extra money going into college and shit. Ah well this one will be short. Sorry about that, not much on my mind tonight except for a certain lady but that ones for me to have in my heart. Bye. |
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Surviving July 27, 1999 Well not much happened today. I slept pretty fucking hard last nite and felt tired when I woke up. I didn't get out of bed until close to 3pm. As I walked to the bathroom I noticed my sister wasn't sleeping. I can tell tonight will be a rough nite working for her, because she pulled a nite shift and didn't sleep long enough this day. I hope she makes it. As I am thinking, today actually sucked. I went through the usual fucked up mind problems. I fed the birds and noticed my sisters hamster's water bottle fell again. So I went bought another one. Came home and it didn't fit. It was like the one we had before. So I went bought a cage. The water bottles were to big. So I went bought a base to hold them, to fit in the first cage! So I came home and wasted more fucking money then I needed too. Damn did I hate that shit. I put him in the cage and cleaned off some space on my entertainment center and put his cage on there. He is a cool little guy. I am gonna try and take him with me to college. My sister won't like that idea but she doesn't seem to care that much for him. Only when he seems cool. After all that I just walked the dogs and shit. Then I went sat in my room and waited for wrestling. WCW was ok tonight. I was hoping to see Scott Hall. I liked Goldberg a lot. Damn the dude from the Wonder Years is a good announcer. I really enjoyed him on the show. It was better then hearing Tony S. I haven't watch Raw yet. As soon as I am finished on the net, I will go watch it. I still have to answer some emails concerning Blessid Union Of Souls, a friend that loves Julie Lynn Cialini like me, haha and I have to send in my roleplays for wrestling. I am hoping my wrester whips all their fucking candy asses. I am so bored lately on the net because my friend is away for a while. Damn it's been like a week and a half. I really miss her. She is like the person I look forward to talking to each nite. I usually wake up and hope the day ends fast so I can see her. See we both get on at nite and just talk for hours. We usually fuck around, like play fighting and shit. She is soo cool like that. I do wrestling moves on her and she like kicks me. So I have fun. I am hoping she gets back tomorrow. Thats about when she said she'd be home. I will be pretty fucking happy! Right now I am listening to my Tom Petty cd "Echo", looking and downloading porn, while I upload some playmate videos into an ftp site. I ain't really that obsessed with porn really! It's just there is nothing else to do but read about wrestling, role play wrestling, email, icq, work on my website, and porn. Tom Petty is the shit. I want to see him in concert so fucking bad one day. Maybe while I am in Orlando he will tour there, who knows. Tomorrow this dick head that ran a stop sign and I hit, well he is coming to pick up my car, bring it to his auto shop and will put on a new bumper, and paint it. He'd better fucking fix it good or I will kick his white trash ass. It's been a fucking while now since the accident and he hasn't down shit about it. I ain't gonna be having that shit. He will keep my car until it's fixed, drive it back with a full tank of gas and all the shit repaired, and no more site of his ass. I want to see that movie The Sixth Sense, that fucking looks good. I love Bruce Willis. He is a kick ass actor. He may play the same roles most of the time, but damn he is so cool. I also want to see the Blair Witch movie. I can't wait for that one. It's similar to the work I want to do. I want to film documentries and shit like that. I have some scripts I am working on. I am bringing some fucking money to my people. I am talking about the real working man back home. The rebel mother fuckers. Not some lazy ass rednecks. I am soo much looking forward to college. I will really miss my sister and dogs. I am really scared to leave them. I will get so homesick for them. I got all my shit together. The only thing left is when the date comes for my apartment I have to call the power company there, the telephone company, and cable company. I just want TNT, TBS, WB, USA, and Fox. Thats my shows :) TnT - WcW Monday Nitro tBs - WcW Thursday Thunder, WcW Saturday Nite Wb - Dawson's Creek UsA - WWF Monday Nite Raw, WWF Sunday Nite Heat Fox - 90210, Party Of Five Yes I like dramas. Get over it and get used to it because in 5 years you will see my name in the top ones. Oh well I am gonna call it a nite. I am so tired and shit. Goodbye! |
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July 26, 1999 Nothing much happened today. I woke up getting a note from my mom, I think she went to a baseball game. I think it was a high school graduation thing. My sister was here. I am always glad to see her. I love her so much and she is the heart I love most in this fucked up world. I sometimes almost bring myself to tears thinking about how much this world is fucked up and someone with a heart like hers has to live in it. She's so fucking strong and I am so weak. I am supposed to be her big brother and she is supposed to be my baby sister. She looks at me as a shield, someone to go to when their is a noise. The thing she doesn't know is, thats all I am for her. She can just walk into a place and make it home. I walk outside my room and I enter a world where I have never been before. A place that just scares the hell out of me. A place no matter where I go I am uncomfortable. Until I see my sister. She makes anyplace seem like home. I'd fucking walk to the devil's face and spit in it. I can't get out the thoughts of all the bad things she has to go through. I want for her to have no pain, for her to have no enemies, for her to live her life without any regret, any damn worries, any fears. When I look at her, I feel like she thinks I am a hero. Only thing is, my sister is the hero in my eyes. I wish I could be like her for a fucking minute. To be able to go places and be ok. I go to the mall and it's getting easier for me to walk through it. But I shake sometimes afterwards. It just reminds me of how low I am in life. How much I hate my life. I have a great sister and great pets, but I can't get this pain out of my heart, out of my mind. It's this unreal feeling. Picture that feeling you got when someone close to you died, try living with that 24/7. I do. I don't know what this is, where it came from, but all I know is it's getting worse and the last couple of years is when it started. I been wanting to end my life since I was ten years old. I tried so much to stop the thoughts. But how can you stop the thoughts when your laying there in bed? When all the music stops playing? When the movie ends? When the ride is over? I am hanging on for some fucking reason. I am pretty sure it's my sister. For me to leave her would be fucking selfish. I cannot do that to her, it's worse then living in this world. She'd be alone. Damn do I love her. She had left to go out for a bit. I ate a bit, got my shoes on, got my wallet, keys, video game I rented(Bugs Bunny) and went out of my room. She was sitting in the front room and I told her I was gonna go to an Electronics Convention in Lake Charles, Cajun Dome. She said cool. I can always tell she hates for me to leave. Like it's the last time she'd see me. Sometimes it feels that way. We always tell each other we love one another when we part. It's not a goodbye, it's more then that. If we don't, then we didn't really leave. It's a have too. It's like you have to have your keys to drive someplace. You have to have money to buy that movie ticket. The leave doesn't start without an I Love You. I smiled at her, then I told her that I loved her too and I'd be back. I then went dropped off my video game and headed towards Lake Charles. I was a bit pissed off because I thought my gas gauge was broken. Just another beautiful thing to add to my car. I love that car a lot. But as I traveled to Lake Charles I noticed it moved and I smiled. It's funny smiling that your burning gas money. I love traveling out of town listening to music, it's like I am going somewhere I never been, but bringing an old friend. I get their to find out it costs $4 to get in. Thats pretty fucked up. I have to pay money to be able to browse and buy something. Mother fuckers. Well I paid it because I wanted to get a good deal on the same old shit. It comes to my knowledge that this shit isn't as cheap as they said on the radio. The Sony Playstation games are cheaper at god damn Super Wal Mart. I bought myself a framed pictue of Da Man, Goldberg. Fucking bad ass dude. Anyone thinks different can suck my Dick 3:16. Well I looked around till most were packing up then I got in my car and headed home. I thought all the way home, hell when is there a time when I ain't thinking. Well I stop by and buy some bananas and strawberries. I hope those strawberries aren't like the last batch. Well wrestling started at 6pm so I taped it. I go to make a pizza and I see I am almost out of dough. So I went to sit down and watch The Simpsons, but it was a rerun. So I went bought two packages of UnBleached Flour and some Yeast. I get home and put it baking in my bread machine. I then go to my room and waste away my life. WWF Sunday Nite Heat was pretty good. It was better then Raw which I watched this morning. I fast forwarded through the blood shit. I can't wait until Nitro tomorrow nite. I am hoping Vampiro gets more action and so does the ICP. Goldberg is back so I am looking forward to that! I just hope that cock sucking Nash doesn't book himself over Goldberg, Hogan, Sid, and the entire 1985 Chicago Bears football team. That piece of crap. Well I am starting to feel better after writing all of this. I know people care, but its weird. It hurts when they do. I don't understand why. I just can't have someone worry over me. I guess, I don't like to be made a big deal out of. I just like to be alone and have my pain eat me away. I don't know what will happen when I go to college. Being in a new enviroment away from mine. I will have to do this, this isn't no fucking choice. No one is making me go. I am. I need to get away from this life and try for all it's worth to get my heart back. Pain will be brought on by missing my loved ones, but shit when am I not in pain? I just got done with Autopost. I uploaded 100 pictures of sex, babes, and blonde haired bitches into a newsgroup. I believe alt.binaries.nudes or something like that. If you want the address, email me. I will send it to you, you fucking low life perveted mother fucker. I guess porn is cool. I like Playboy style and Perfect 10. I love softcore. Nothing like Hustler. I have pictures of sex and shit like that. I only have it, because I upload them into newsgroups and read the comments guys send me. Pretty fucking funny shit. Stuff like "Your a god!", "Thanks soo much!", "I got so hard off of these!". Yes parents those are your kids. Probably 12 to 50 year old guys looking at fucking porn. I hate anyone over 21 that looks at porn on the net. If I was that age, I'd be at a strip bar. What a god damn waste. Also you spend money on nudie magazines and you have the internet, your a fucking idiot. It's all free here. Every Playboy picture, every Penthouse, and every other one. Just ask the scanners for them. Damn have I jumped around on subjects. I am listening to my Blessid Union Of Souls single to Light In Your Eyes, because god damn single. It has Light In Your Eyes, I Believe(Acoustic Version), As Long As We're Together, and I Believe(Album Version). I love them. They are my favorite group. I love every song they sing. It's weird. I only liked maybe 3 songs on most cds. This one I love every single song on all three cds and singles. Well I guess I better let this come to an end. My sister is working the nite shift tonight at Waffle House. I am so damn proud of her. She got to keep tips last time. She made like $30 and she didn't really work a full day. I believe tonight is her first real day working. Tomorrow I am hoping on getting a call about working at a local Rice Mill. It will be some extra money for college. I am hoping my friend gets the job more then I get it. We are all getting them, but just incase. He could really use the money. I just need extra college money. I can always find a job there, they are hard to find here. I freaken hope we get a call this week. Oh well. Goodbye for now and I will continue to survive. |
