|
(written 12/04/2008) Title "Cheap Slut" Anna, she's one hell of a big bitch. She doesn't seem to take care of her kids. I had to wake her up a shitload of times for her to leave for work at least 5 minutes before it was time for her to be there. She was lazy, didn't take care of herself, and acted like a fucking no talking bitch. I basically had to take over running the bills because she was an idiot. She lied about various things that "she owned". I had to fix a ton of things. I basically rearranged the house and put stuff to make it easier for us. I basically took care of our two dogs, as well as the dog that wasn't ours. I would pay the gas the bitch mom would basically rip us off of. She let her kids get talked to like shit by her fucking loser parents. She didn't do anything in her life to stand up for them. Pretty pathetic that I had to stand up for them. I left her because she was basically a carlesss lazy bitch. Never took care of her health. Made herself go into various debts. Which I pointed out when she had time to pay them. Spent money on dumb ass shit for no fucking reason. I had to make sure she took her medication and check her blood sugar levels. She was so lazy, she wouldn't wake her kids up for school. They basically fixed their own breakfast and went to the stop for the school bus. She also let her oldest son hang out with a bitch that basically gave him terrible ideas and blammed him for all of the shit like her useless parents did. She would call her oldest son to make sure he gave the younger brother his meds. She wouldn't get out of bed. She watched tv, played on myspace, and basically stitched. I wanted the little things. Of course, she didn't know a fucking god damn thing about love. She wrote love letters to guys from way back that she never sent them. She used the same paragraphs from time to time on me when she would write. She would write to friends basically using the same lines that she met the man of her dreams and stuff. Basically a headcase. My god did I fix up that house and she was such a bitch she didn't know a single word on how to stop me from leaving. I remember the exact date of which I left. It is pathetic. She was a waste of my time and a useless bitch I tried so hard to save our relationship. I never wanted to leave those kids. She never visited this website. God damn pathetic. I will write later on other shit. yahoo: paranchad msn: imcnote@hotmail.com icq: 2676927 aim: 2676927 well bye for now! |
|
(written 7/17/2007) hey there, just catching up here. missing contact with a lot of old internet friends and such. the transmission on my moms van has been dead for a while. it finally was fixed and is working today. thursday i am going to the madd victim inpact panel. and then friday is my sisters 26th bday. this september is my grandparents 60th wedding anniversay. its amazing how long they have been married. so beautiful. i only wish i could find the same in my life. but i am not sure if it will ever happen. there is two of my friends that got seperated from my internet messengers. we didn't agree on a couple things and i wish we could chat somehow again. also, i am looking for old friends. here is my messengers: yahoo: paranchad msn: imcnote@hotmail.com icq: 2676927 aim: 2676927 well bye for now! |
|
(written 10/12/2006) Hey K, I hadn’t heard from you since my last email. So I assume it’s ok to email once again. If it does bother for me to email you just tell me. I don’t mind. I just wanted to keep you up to date on everything. Ethan hit his 10 month mark on the 9’th of this month. Which means 2 more months until he turns 1 year old. Wow, time passes so fast with children. It’s scary. I have been trying to get my mind on track. I mostly just been in a mood of wanting to stay home and just relax all the time. Plus the town is getting more over flood with businesses. It’s crazy. New ones are popping up all the time. There must be close to 20 check places. Which when people write a check to get a loan. The place charges over 60 bucks at some places. Specially when the loan isn’t high. My sister is doing great. She and her husband are struggling with bills pretty bad. My mom has finalized the divorce. She will get $250 a month. Which I think is bullshit. She gave my dad her half of his business when she got married. My dad never asked for her to ever give it back. Then problem after problem that this guy gave her. She only gets that low amount for a business that could pull in more for her. She is in her mid 50’s with very little work experience. Being a female, in 50’s, and no work experience. She ain’t going to be considered for anything. My dad is doing good. I really haven’t been to his house in months. I just can’t bring myself to go there. I don’t feel right anymore. I can’t go over there to just visit my dad. It’s like, I want to spend time with him and the others talk to him and keep bothering us. It’s fucked up. I am his son and I want to visit him. They see him all day every day. It hurts. When we are alone. Because of his past, he has a lot of time talking to a son/family member. Well, I am doing ok baby. I miss more then anything is someone to hold in bed before sleep. Kissing and making love. I miss that. Thanks for listening babes. Take care until my next email ;) Love Always, Chad |
|
Chad Michael Mallett P.O. Box 499 Jennings, La 70546 Email: purg@xpurgatoryx.com February 18, 2002 The Honorable Roy Barnes Governor of Georgia 203 State Capitol Atlanta, GA 30334 Dear Sir: I am writing this letter pleading with you for the life of a man with Schizophrenia. I know you probably do not have any cares or concerns for who I am or what I am about. Nevertheless, I do believe the next 5 minutes is my right to tell you what I need done. What my people need done. See when I speak of my people I do not speak of white or black people. I speak of people with pain. People who are suffering from mental illnesses. Sir take your worst day and multiply it by ten. Now try living that day for over a decade. Welcome to my life. You are now in my world. Now that you are in my world, I will take you for a journey. I have been wanting to die non-stop for over 10 years. I pray to God himself that he would take my life. I sometimes fear that God is punishing me. Whether he is or not. I still need to look out for my brothers or sisters. I am not talking about immediate family. I am talking about my brothers and sisters of pain. People that cry with me. That cut their arms to relieve the tension. People that hang themselves. People that cry because they don’t know what the hell to do anymore. Do you even know what that means Sir? Please read up on us. Learn about us before you take this man’s life into your hand. You are probably wondering what his name is. I will tell you. My brother, dad, uncle, godfather, friend’s name is Alexander William. This guy is dedicated to my life the same as I am to his. No I do not know him personally. I just know him that damn good for him to be my friend. My loved one in this world of hell we both share. I want you to do me a favor. If you do this write back to me and tell me how you feel. Go see “A Beautiful Mind”, go see “I Am Sam”, then for sure watch “A Caveman’s Valentine”. If your heart does not learn what we are about by then. Well then, I wasted a decade of my life crying and wanting to die. I do not know what else to tell you. Yes I do. Free Alexander William. Please god help him. Sincerely, Chad Michael Mallett Chad Michael Mallett SSI Recipient |
|
(written 4/5/2007 to Lisa) Hey Lisa, Just writing you a letter to send to your email addy. I will try to talk about my life as much as I remember. Well at age 10 I wanted to just die. I remember the exact moment. I was standing in the door way looking into my room and just feeling like it wasn’t worth it. Later on things were ok. I was showing signs of OCD really bad. I had all the symptoms of the rituals of OCD. It was extremely bad. I thought my family would die if I didn’t do what was in my mind. Well, I will talk about other things. In Orlando, Florida when I was first trying college. It was a dream community in Orlando. I was in a beautiful place. Everyone loved their jobs and were so friendly. They would talk to you in such a beautiful and peaceful way. One time I was looking for a spaghetti sauce. I was looking and they had a box boy stocking shelves. He saw me and asked what I was looking for. I told him the brand and such. I thought you’d tell me the isle number, but he looked up and down with me 6 or 7 isles. I was like damn, no one does that back home. I seriously didn’t know what to say. I told him, thank you so much man. I appreciate that a lot. The people there, no matter how shitty a job they had, they loved it. Here, if someone doesn’t make a certain amount they think its bull shit. The only places here are fast foods for people with no experience in secretary, legal, and other office work. So they bitch and complain they don’t get hired. I can understand, but you got to have what you have. I’d love to work, I can’t even think of how many jobs I tried. I went and left 5 colleges. I never was kicked out or failed out. I just left because of heavy suicidal thoughts. It hurt me so bad, I just would watch these people complain making $10 a hour here, I couldn’t believe it. That’s a lot of money here and I would have a beautiful house and help my family when they’d need it. I will stop for now, but I will write more. I am sorry. Got to fix stuff and try to get out of the house for a bit. Love and miss ya today. Let me know how things go. Love, Chad Michael Mallett |
|
April 16th, 2007 Monday 8:52pm today feels ok, not much to really talk about. i went bought a small fan for my pc. i bought some food and such. bought some for sister, ethan, the new baby, and mom. we got a can opener for my sisters new house. a heat patch for my neck to try out. i bought some shorts from goodwill. i also worked for an hour to go through a ton of clothes i had. i will call CADA tomorrow to see where i can drop off the clothes. it's in 3 huge bags, like 80 gallon bags. i also have a small box of the kids uniforms for school and such. i will clean out my room more tomorrow. also i sent back a replacement part for my computer. the cd/dvd writer drive wasn't working for the cd's. they sent me a replacement which is a better model then the old one. so i installed it and it worked way better. they fedex'd me the label to send them the old one in the box. so i wouldn't have to pay for it. so i dropped it off today. i also went to check on my storage building to see if i had some coolers for my sisters food. to help her out and such. ethan got some wagon time in a radio flyer new age wagon my mom and me bought him for easter. wow he loves it. when i pull him, he has to have his rocks. so he can throw them over the sides,lol. he is really getting addicted to me more and more. like he constantly wants me to hold him more then anyone else. if he is crying from pain, he comes to me. if he wants something he comes straight to me. i never seen this in him. it makes me feel so amazing. that my little man wants to hang out with his paran! |
|
4/15/2007 sunday 7:21pm just feel good, my chest feels really alive and healthy. my heart is beating slower. everything feels fine with me right now. i spent all day online. only went out once. cleaned out a ton of clothes right now for some cada kids. i will go through some older shirts to get rid of for winter and summer. i will also give some shoes i don't wear as much. i hear the moms are moving out slowly back into the world and need help with appliances. they are abused women and children. right now i can only help the boys. i put a couple purses i bought for the girls a while back. i buy when i can. i don't really tell anyone about it. its just something i do. i got a thank you card not long ago. i cried. it was really amazing to me. i will frame it soon. i will cut it in half so the front and back can be read. i will hang it over my bed to remind me every night and morning that somewhere and somehow the world will get better. or at least there will be a lot more help for as many as we can. you don't need to be in an organization to do. you can just do what you can for as many as possible. buy non refrigerated food to give to homeless and the needy. buy xmas presents on sale so you can get many for xmas, so little kids can have a bit of something. clothes for families who lost everything. just look at whats going on around us. there is cure for these things. we can fix this. there are scienctists out there doing the curing for us. we help raise the money, but we can also help the ones with the cure already there. the people who you can extend a hand to. when someone falls, put your hand out. they may never take it no matter how many times you extend it. but they will see someone that they don't know does that. they will see that and know someone who doesn't know them has that hand ready. they may do the same someday. you never know. i have some major bipolar, rapid. i have depression. and with meds constantly changing it gets nerve wrecking. i mean with the problems mentally i already have and the meds changing my moods, trying to cure them, while also changing them around. it makes life hard. its a life sentence. i am scared to fall in love and marry a female. basically for the fact i don't want her to see me laying down depressed. or just frustraded for no reason. i cannot provide much for the income. but i can provide a heart when it works...i might take a break from writing this so i can go outside and breathe in the air. maybe take my dog out. go walk to a store to buy some products i need. its a bit cool out there. but i don't have much of a ride right now. i want to get a bike. just something basic that doesn't have much to it. you know? just a simple thing. with a carrying bag on it when i need to go to the mail, grocery store, pharmacy, and to get cleaning products and such. it would also be the exercise time. so i can get two shots in one. cookie can also pull me sometimes. she is about 12/13 pounds or so, but she can get some muscle and such. maybe she can pull the bike and my 175 pound big ass. also when i try to barely hold the brake on her. just to get her you know, tougher and shit. make her a hardcore dawg. she needs to powerup to front some other dogs. |
|
4/14/2007 Saturday past 7pm my chest is hurting so bad right now. people wanted me to start writing again so here it goes. i just don't want to live in this town anymore. i am shutting life here from me for good. i am taking everything i have been "given" from my "family" and throwing it in the trash. the pain inside is so unbareable. i do not know what to do about this. i cannot breathe and its getting to where i can't even get the right taste in my mouth. like its just acid. my heart is racing. my hands are cold from walking almost a mile home. yeah they are a cold sweat. my eyes feel frozen from the tears i am trying to let loose. my nose is wet from the wet air we have in this state. throat is still in the state of screaming and soar as hell. i am not wanting suicide anymore. i want happiness. thats all i want. a fresh start away from here. i just want to leave. this place is slowly killing me. if i don't leave my health will give out. i seem to go get checked on blood levels for stuff they see in me with problems and such. they all come back good. nothing wrong. but i tend to be sent often. almost every other month. i just want to cry myself to sleep and wake up somewhere in a peaceful place. where people aren't so critizing like here. i take my anger a lot out on the people i talk to on the net. but god, this is my only life i ever knew. this computer, this pc world is my only family. from the music, to videos, to website, to icq, aim, msn, and yahoo. nothing else has come close to my life. nothing here i enjoy. i cannot afford $20 on gass and $7 total to go see a movie. thats from my town to there and back. nature here is getting full of businesses. the parks are overrun with people from new orleans and new families. no where to go to just be alone with my thoughts. not even my own house, yard. i cannot afford a vehicle. i can't afford parts if it breaks down, i cannot afford massive gas prices. i can't afford paying for it. i am thinking of selling a small film camera i been wanting for years just to have that money to escape from this place for good. to go some places when the sun rises it feels like the best day of my life...everyday. when the sunsets i thank god for that day and what will come next. i cut out my xmas's with my family. i am cutting out all family events. i will not go into that world anymore. my god, its hurting so bad. i just can't put myself into pain this way. i don't hurt them. they hurt me and i react then they freak out and start yelling at me like i was the one that totally did it all. i am the trash. i am the fuck up. specially when i never did drugs, never smoked, never drank, never wrecked a car, never been in jail, never got involved in the police being called on me, never "spread my legs" for every piece of shit in this town. i know some one that checks on my site no matter how many times we fall out. i just want to tell that person i hope the best in life and don't give up. you picked up and you are walking through the burdened path to heaven. i am walking away from the place that tears a piece of my soul away each day. all i have left is my crumbled black heart. each day it dies. each day it goes towards to the blackness. i will never take my life. know that. i have not felt this way since my last journal entry and look at when that was. take it for who i am. take it for how i acted when the meds weren't right for me. take it for the highs and lows of bipolar. take it from the defensive mechanism of love. take it from depression. take it from paranoia. take it from someone that has never really had much human conact in his whole life. take it for everything you can take. thank you. chad |
|
01/29/06 Sunday You know, I feel like crying so bad. My chest hurts and shit. I don't know what to honestly do anymore. I can't handle this psychical pain I have inside of my body. It goes from my shoulders, to back, to forearms, to chest, sides, and legs. I don't understand what it is seriously. I know Depression can cause psychical pain. But it never has had happen to me in the past or now. So I don't believe thats the problem. I seriously am facing reality here. I don't want to live past 30 years old. This February on the 22nd I will turn 27. That's three years for something to change. I am not saying this is a suicide note or letter or anything. I am just saying. I don't want to go on with my life in the same way. I try all the fucking time to change. I tried writing scripts/screenplays. From short to long. No one in this shithole of Jennings, Louisiana wants to work with me because of my beliefs. Not religious beliefs. Other beliefs. They all know I am mentally ill and don't want to have anything to do with me because of it. Hell they have pushed me out of charities I have helped with. From helping dogs, to helping people that are poor, to helping terminally ill people. It's funny, they won't up to the shit. But they do it. I seriously hate just about every piece of shit in Jennings, Louisiana. Ethan, my new nephew and godson, is the only one I love. He's my little guy. He smiles and laughs when I joke with him. I do not wish this kid seeing me when he gets older. I do not wish for him to see me hurting. He doesn't need that in his life. I sometimes feel like crying so hard, but it's like something is not letting me. It hurts so bad not to cry. I been working out heavily. I am up to 200lbs and I am 6 feet tall. I am and not built or anything. I am just a solid cajun mother fucker. I don't know what to do with my life anymore. I need someone to talk to. I don't want someone preaching to me about a religious bs. I just want someone to talk to. My real email address is below. On the past pages I had the email address cnote@rocketmail.com, but that email address was shut down a long time ago. It's very difficult to go change the email addy on every one of these pages. Just email me if you want to chat. I am always gonna reply. But if you are gonna be a bitch. Then it's your fucking soul for hire. Got it? Bye for now. -goodbye- -chad- |
|
12/29/05 - Thursday - 9:10am Still hurting emotionally inside. Well not much to say here really. I am single. Sometimes I am looking sometimes I am not. I have been volunteering tons over the past year. I have donated tons of really expensive clothes I have to three charities. As well as a walkman, a sega system, nintendo 64 games, computer software, sega games, cds, and other items. I have also bought over 30 school uniforms for the children whose parents can only afford a couple. I bought all kinds of sizes and helped out a lot of the children. I have donated to two homeless shelters in Lake Charles. I helped with people that are terminally ill. I have helped bigtime with MADD/Mothers Against Drunk Drivers. I have helped with the animal pound. As well as putting together broken bikes that I have purchased with my own money. I have fixed up swing sets for children. As well as other stuff. I have bought $50 worth of toys at Dollar Tree and then turn around and donated them in their bin for toys for tots. I was planning on doing $200. But Ethan came along and I spent some money on him. When I go to the movie theatre in Lake Charles. I go early and walk around the mall. I buy stuff. Any change I get I put in a collection they take for children in need. I then go to the theatre buy my ticket and go to the arcade. Sometimes I will see some kids with no quarters and not so good clothing playing on the games and I give them handfuls of quarters. It's weird, they do not wish to take them. I tell them don't worry about it. I had them in my pocket and my movie is about to start. Then I tell them have fun. And they say thank you sir. Well thats all the good news. Lately I have been so depressed, angry, and emotionally sad. I am hurting all over. I am constantly not wanting to do anything with my life. I just want to give up. I look at old journal entries and I remember them so well. The people I mention, the pain, the talks and such. It changes so rapidly. I feel like time is catching up on me. Although in my weight I have passed up 200lbs. Which was a HUGE goal I always wanted. I am 6 foot. So I am a big boy now. I am thinking about selling the camera and using the money to pay off my loans. I do not use it anymore. And hell it's a dream anyways. I could delete everything I ever wrong in some folders on my pc and not care. I could torth my poetry books and all my notebooks. Well I am gonna go for now. I am gonna go wash my face and workout. -goodbye- -chad- |
|
10/29/04 - Friday I seriously don't want to live. Life is unliveable now. I don't know what to say really anymore. I can't stand living. I have decided to go off medication and to stop seeing Nurse Cindy. Being on Medications for over 5 years hasn't changed a damn thing. All it's caused is mixed emotions. If I go off medication and it's worse, well I hope I do something that will send me to jail for the rest of my life. Because I will keep doing stuff until I get the death penalty. I am tired of living. No one cares about me. No one loves me. Fuck you all. If you did care. Then where are you? When I am sitting alone in my goddamn room for days at a time. Not doing anything. Not going anywhere. It turns into weeks and maybe months. If I could overdose I would, but that thing that stops me. It isn't there anymore. I think the only reason I don't overdose is because if I don't do it right I will have to deal with all new shit. I don't feel good at all. I am sad throughout this whole day. And my bitch of a sister picked a fight with me. So we beat the shit out of each other. Then she picked another fight with me and we beat the shit out of each other again. I beat her pretty good. But not enough. And then just a little while ago I called to go hang out with them to have something to do. She cocks an attitude about me and says shit. So hung up on that bitch. I called her back and told her to watch her back tomorrow. Mom won't be around to save her if she starts acting bitchy to me. I will fucking seriously put that bitch in the hospital. She is the start of everyone of you mother fuckers. I am done with all of you. I am tired of everything you do to me and have done to me. Now and in the past. The future looks like shit because of you fuckers. I don't need any of you anymore. I seriously don't. I will find ways to do films with just me and my camera. And I will find someone actually worth something in life. I met a young lady tonight. She's very sexy and beautiful. Sweet as hell. And asked me to come and dance a couple times. So I did. She's 20 and about to be 21 in November. So thats cool as hell. I hope to meet up with her again. I found out where she hangs out at and I plan on going there tomorrow. Unless I feel like I am useless again. I am gone. Fuck you all. goodbye. -chad- |
|
10/08/04 - Friday Well happy to see me? I'm not. It's about 4pm and I finally am writing in here and this will be a long one. I might stop and restart later. The deal is...well here's all the shit. I had my 25th birthday. I made it past the night without killing myself. I have my camera, a brand new computer, an editing program for movies, and a light set. I have a tripod as well. I got highly suicidal one night and decided I'd go to the mental hospital. So I went. I stayed there about five days and came out pretty shakened up. It was bad. I lost all feeling and was numb. I am finally back on the right track and handling things ok. I am feeling like shit for the most part. I don't know. I feel like ending my life. Well my I got three tattoos and a piercing, then a repiercing. I got a tattoo of the outline of the superman symbol with "Hero" written in Japanese in the middle of it. I will have a picture soon. I also was going to be an uncle. Yes Amanda was pregnant but the deal is she lost the baby. It happened so quickly. Long story on that part. It wasn't a good situation. I still wish the baby would have lived. I was going to be the babies godfather. He or she whatever it may have been would have been loved more then anything by me. I loved the baby. We will find out next week if she was pregnant or not. Which she most probably was. So pray for her. You know? Today I am hanging up the baby mobile I bought her in my room. I haven't decided yet where though. I want to see it everytime I walk in my room. Well a couple days ago I got two big black X's tattooed on the back of my hand. For my sXe days. I am still Straight Edge Vegan. And I think Straight Edgers that aren't Vegans are posers and pieces of shit. They don't deserve to be called Straight Edge and I'd be willing to meet anyone of them on the street. Anytime, anyday, and health problems will go away. Fucker. Well I got my labret pierced before I went into the mental hospital and had to take the piercing out. Then it healed. So a couple days ago I went got it repierced. When I got my X's, I went had my sisters belly button pierced. I might be getting a job soon. Which I am hoping will be good and all. If not, fuck it. I really don't have much care anymore. Well I will end this right here. Bye all and thanks for everything. Specially all those fucking emails you never sent. Mother fuckers. Fuck you all. I hate you people so much. goodbye -chad- |
|
02/09/04 - Monday Age 17, about 8 years ago I made a pack....a pack with the devil. What could it be you ask? Well this is a story that make strike fear into what you believe to be a normal guy if you don't know me. If you do know me, this will not suprise you. I was 17 years old. I didn't know I was CLASSIFIED as mentally ill, but I knew something was wrong. I just didn't know what. I tried so hard to fight to stay alive. Staying to myself, being alone all the time, and just trying to be me. Later on we got the internet and my day time turned to nights. Where I'd stay up from 5pm in the afternoon until about 8am. I'd be a night person and would love it. I hated all of you. I seriously did. Things just didn't get answered for me. No one understood me. I was in pain. I wanted to slice my wrists, blow my brains out, or overdose. Maybe the best way if possible was to go to sleep and not wake up. Now that I set a small picture for you. You now know there was some shit. Now the story. Age 17....I made a deal with myself. At age 25 if I didn't complete this two year film school I was going to, I didn't get married, I didn't have kids or adopt, and I didn't have a job....well it would ....all end. I'd take my life at midnight on my 25th birthday. I bet your wondering why is he pussying out? Well then you never seen the Good Charlotte video "Hold On". There's a saying up there for the people that are alive and haven't killed theirselves yet. It's titled at the bottom of the screen "Still Here". Damn fucking right. I am still here. I ain't all that happen. Family life could be better. Ain't got any kids. No job. No girlfriend or wife. But what keeps me going? The everlasting love for my mother, father, and sister. Thats what keeps me going. Bambam too :) Well I am trying guys. I am fighting it all. I am. It gets worse and worse. Lots of problems everywhere. Things go wrong for me all the time. Now a 5 time college drop out turned into a "fuck you! you never even tried to go to college!". haha. I like saying that to people. I guess I at least had the balls to try it 5 times. Well I am gonna go. I am coughing and stuff. -goodbye- -chad-michael-mallett- Ps. Thanks to Amanda, Mom, and Dad.... |
|
01/28/04 - Wednesday Shit whats happening now? I don't know what the fuck to say. Really I don't. Life throws me tricks and shit all the time. Wondering what would happen if I stopped my medication. Would they throw me in the bin? OR would I be normal? I will never know, because It's about $9 a pop. Know what I mean? Well anyways....No girlfriend....no fucking love....no family caring....just blame. That's all. I try to live in my mind, but it haunts me. It takes away from my love's and leaves me with nothing. Not even a good time. I'm still Straight Edge, Vegan, and sometimes believe in God or whatever. Fuck it, I should blow my brains out and pain your walls you mother fuckers. But what would you do? "So so, to bad". End of story. They are watching me. Not letting me have a gun. Good job. Like I'd use a .22 anyways. I have been questioning life, but haven't been suicidal really. I don't know what to call it. Suicidal wishes? I don't know anymore. The pain right in the middle of my chest is a big ball. Not anything like my heart, but mainly like a big power that does not want to embrace me in a good way, but a bad one. You see what I am getting at. Well if I was to talk into Hollywood, have it all set up, and get ready to direct. I just know the gun would go off inside me and splatter my brains everywhere. You would only understand that if you knew the real me. And does anyone?.....no. Well....I feel like crying right now. Infact I am starting to tear up a bit. Like it's gonna rain down my face. But yet. I hold it back in and pill back the layers. Actually I just felt a tear. It hurt too. Haven't cried in a while. Well the tears stopped and hear comes to anxiety. Shit. I hate whatever life I was given. I can't complain sometimes though. Because there is just enough to pull me out the ground. But sometimes I can complain about all this shit. Ok enough of that. The purest thing in life? What do I know about it? Well thats a hard question and an easy fucking answer for me. Love. Thats all I think about. My love for my sister, mother, and father. My love for a girl that I never will ever meet probably. I will be alone for a while. I know I will. Life is to fucking hard for me. No one wants in on the deal. Plus I am poor. Who wants this poor guy? Plus I am ugly, stupid, mentally ill, and left undone. I don't want to be down on myself. It's just a bunch of facts. You know? Fuck, I am going. -goodbye- -chad- |
|
11/30/03 Sunday Let's talk about something other then the thing above. That's some pretty powerful feelings up there. It must have been painful for me. I know I will never forget there is no real family xmas anymore. Man it's fucked up the way life deals you cards. The way you have feelings about certain things. The way life just drops you onto the cement from ten feet off the ground. Onto other things. I got that "glowing" feeling the other day. This one was wild. I was talking to a girl that hated me basically. Or strongly disliked me in her words. On ICQ. Well she sure felt different about me after I said every romantic thing on my mind to her. She was happy. REAL happy. But Ash, don't think it was because of that mental illness feeling. It was still me. I just focused everything into you. Not writing movie scripts. Which I could have pulled off some serious writing time and got some great shit down. I seriously brought you the whole bowl. Before Thanksgiving this year my mom and I had a little fight. I told her that I was tired of her always offering to cook for my sister and never trying to find anything vegan for me. She just didn't understand. So for Thanksgiving she cooked me a meatless Lasanga. I kinda got their early and she was making it as a surprise. She told me she understood how I felt and that she was sorry. I felt so good about it. I was so thankful for her and for that for Thanksgiving. A day of truly giving thanks. Thank you mom... -goodbye- -chad- |
|
Surviving - 10/26/03 - Sunday Carmen, sexy and sweet...my turning point. Carmen, she's sweet and sexy. I will probably never see her again. Maybe I will and maybe I won't. I don't see anyone missing me if I was to end my life. Yet if I was to move they'd all of a sudden miss me? That's fucked up shit. I don't see any of you being anywheres in my heart in the future. I am tired of all this bullshit and I'm not afraid to say it. Everyone is stuck up each other's ass it's so sad. I have no friends. I have nothing. You think I call you my friend? Nope. Everyone's getting stoned to death and thats all I see. You seem so proud. You seem so happy. I'm not though. Why don't you care about me? Because I am always on self pity? Of course I pity myself. I pity anyone that wants to end their own life and that has to live like this. I am worthless. I am nothing. I am dieing inside and no one knows it, but me...which is true. You fuckers don't know me no more. Do you ask about my mental illness? Have you tried to learn about it? NO! You haven't. You ask my fucking mom. Who gives a shit what she really says anyways? She only preaches what NAMI says. They are fake and uncaring. They are a giant pill company dishing out candy to all the little kids. Meaning yall. And my mom. I am moving to L.A.. No not Louisiana. To Los Angeles. And I might not come back. Unless there is movie work. Or I decide to see you worthless pieces of shit. Want to beat me up? So fucking what? I don't care. I will fight back. I will whip your fucking asses. I am tired of this life and what the great god has dealt out to me. It's the end real soon. The end of all of you. Because I will see smog and a new sky. And you will see nothing. Not a damn thing. Why do you all cry? When your nothing but fucking useless trash? I am the one that should cry. I have real pain. I am pain. You all use me and then throw me away. Fuck you all. Fuck you all to hell. I am tired of it. goodbye. -chad- |
|
Surviving - 10/05/03 - Sunday You are probably wondering what the title means. Well it won't be totally explained in this journal entry. It will take time of me talking about it. Flagstaff, Arizona is a dream for me. It's like the perfect town. It's amazing. I passed through it with my dad and loved everything in it. I hope to make a trip up there by myself and have time to just sit back and look around. Maybe "she" is there. Nothing is great, but ditch hunting. Going down the road and shooting at people's ditches. Just blowing up ditches is fun. I love me some ditch hunting. Don't tell anyone it's me! I will probably get sued for shooting the ditches with the kids in them and the chickens. Poor chickens, but damn. Just kidding about ditch hunting, the children, and the chickens. I am on a bipolar high. Fuck it. I don't know whats going on anymore. Amanda could have spent time with me in prison for contributing to minors. Alcohol that is. I didn't buy it and neither did Amanda. They sold it to underage kids in a vehicle with us. They were like 19, 18, and 20. So it was still wrong in my opinion. Being a Straight Edger and a proud member of MADD I didn't want to be around that anymore. I told them I thought alcohol was for the weak minded. They all shut up. Good for them. They are so tough. Where's my ass beating guys? LOL Bunch of pussies out there for what they stand for. Be a man. Get a job. But see I don't have a job. Thats for mental reasons. So fuck them for not having mental reasons and not working. Assholes. I am not scared. That's my baby sister they are with. Something about a necktie sounds nice for them. I ain't sure. Enough of them. I seriously want to die. I want to press a button and end my life. It's to the point I don't care if my family will miss me. What about my feelings? I should live this way for them? Fuck that. I ain't gonna kill myself. I just want to really badly. An easy way. Shit. No therapist is worth a shit to me. None. Unless they been through the hell I call my life. I deal with myself and make myself more unhappier, more paining in the heart, and more death toward my entire life. I got a headache. Let me go take some medicine. brb. Ok I am back. I took one of my medications. Like it will help anyways. I am pretty much radical with all feelings. I sometimes think I got cancer. Like it's a fear or a wish. I feel bad for everyone that had cancer, but this is me. So don't think of it as bad shit. I feel like I don't have a best friend anymore. I don't have anyone really. I am all alone in this world. I should just move to New Orleans. There is a NAMI Chapter in New Orleans that offers housing and so much treatment. But it's also three hours away. So fuck. Should I leave my family and go to some place I have no idea about. Or should I say fuck it and just go. I am gonna go for now. Thanks. Goodbye. Chad. goodbye -chad- |
|
Surviving - 09/07/03 - Sunday Wild expressions... To be on tv or to not be on tv. Is my idea of shit happening to me right now. No one gives a shit about my movie career. No one fucking cares, but me and I am starting to not care. Sure I will continue to fight my illnesses and go to AOC(Acadiana Open Channel) and do shit, but fuck. I am left all alone in my world. Who here wants to help the poor little boy that is mentally ill? NO ONE! No one wants to help me. I am buy myself in a cold dead world. With nothing to block out the baddies. I hate life. Goodnite and sweetdreams for now. -goodbye- -chad- |
|
Surviving - 08/29/03 - Friday First off I stopped my medication a couple weeks ago and restarted it the other day. I also dropped out of college for the second time in about 2 years. Wow I am so good at life. Fuck. This was written: September 26th, 2001 First passage since 9-11 Well I written a passage or entry the other day and completetly deleted it after a couple hours of thinking. It was harsh. I wanted to kill myself. I seriously did, but I wouldn't have. I don't believe in it for myself. I do believe in higher powers and heaven. God and love. Justice and Peace. Well the last two aren't always here. Well pretty much never hear really. I give peace and don't get shit in return. I hate it. I won't say I hate life unless I get pissed off while writing this. Tonight is the night I will make a decision. Whether to kick some fucking ass in this world while nearly killing myself every second. Or to just be a lame old asshole and sit in my apartment. And pretty much not do anything. Like I been doing. BUT I have been trying to burst that bubble that sets forth over me. I been mostly trying to pop it every night. It's a hard life. I tell you that. You don't meet anyone that understands. Not even doctors and therapists. Their answers for everything brutal is "STRAIGHT TO THE HOSPITAL". Wow thanks doctor. I really appreciate you helping me. To tell the truth is to kill something. To lie is to sooth a nation. What am I doing everytime I write these? I am killing off pieces of my family's heart. I am dieing to each time. I just sit here listening to sad music while on my pc. PC stands for personal computer. The thing you're probably staring at right now unless your in an office. Man things are tough. Always wondering. I am tired and it's only 9:22pm. That's fucked up. I used to go to bed at 7am. The last month or so it was like 11:30pm. Then before that 3am. That 7am stuff happened a while back. Before you knew me. The real me. Am I scarey? I actually scared off some people with my talks on the net. It wasn't my fault. I was speaking the truth about myself. And it's not my fault there is so many close minded fucks in this world. Well I will go for now. I am tired and waiting for some. She might not show up. -goodbye- -chad- |
|
Surviving - 08/18/03 - Monday BamBam, Bambi is deaf. She has been deaf for a couple months now. I am kinda sad about it. It means another day closer. I mean she can't even hear me say "I Love You" or "Goodnite Baby". It's sad and stuff. (typed August 22, 2001) Geez where do I start? I emailed a private site about doing amatuer porn. Not for myself, but for other people. I would film it and that's all there is to talk about that. Could it be going against sXe? Or could it just be something else. I am gonna run my lines for my script. Know anyone locally that can play an 18 19 year old girl or guy. Someone that can act and show drama like no one else? I need someone to run lines with. And set up camera angles. Fuck I need to do this film soon. I am tired of all this bullshit waiting. I am tired of not having someone to do films with. No one is helping. Or making a fucking effort to help. "Oh yeah this will be cool" don't mean shit to me mother fuckers. I want action not some bullshit talk about how this is cool. I ain't some fucking highschool kid or some dead beat stoner. I ain't some fucking hippie. And speaking of hippies I don't know whether I rather beat up a wigger or a hippie more. I think a hippie. Shit the talk is flowing tonight. I just told Erin I liked her as a friend, but I always wondered what it'd be like to kiss her. It's the truth. Why hide it? Hell I want to kiss some females I meet, but how many damn times can you actually tell them. I figured society is weighing heavy on me. The perfect gurl seems to always be what I fall in love with. Until she messes up, then it's out the window. No, I don't trash the bitch. Well sometimes I do. I guess I am an asshole then. So to all you feminazi's out there: "Suck this white american males cock!". And I bet they'd like it. Damn they have some good music and some shitty music playing tonight on the radio. I am listening to 102.1. It's a good station. A Mixture of everything basically. "I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time". That's a good line in this song thats playing on the radio. I'd like to illegally download the mother fucker. Know what I mean? The no cursing thing lasted a short while. I wish I didn't curse. I mean it's a sign of weakness. Because look who does it all the time. Suicidal people, depressed people, bullies, and posers. Cutters can't forget about you. I used to fucking hate you cutters, until I understood our pain was real. All of ours. No I am not a cutter. I met a couple. It's a bad world out there brothers and sisters. I don't really care for spics that much. I know that will lose a couple people. But for the first time I seen one that was mentally ill and I thought "that's my fucking brother". Not the mexican guy, but the guy inside him. It was a soul, not a color, not a race, and not anything else. I just deleted a line out of here. I am a pussy. By tomorrow I won't remember what it said. So forget about asking me. I don't totally say everything on here. Well goodnite. Ending this early. Back is hurting and getting tired. Later babes and dudes. goodbye -chad- |
|
Surviving - 08/10/03 - Sunday I can't get the screaming and crying out my mind. The no's and the pain. I am not talking about my schizoaffective side or any of my mental illnesses. I am talking about when I told my dad on the phone about my Uncle Clyde passing away. Damn it was a hard thing to do. I still hear it. It's haunting me. I don't know what to do about it. I hear it when all is quiet. I never heard my dad in so much pain. Thats why I say "fuck god", because no true god would do that to anyone. Fuck it. I am gonna go to bed. I am waking up to go see a doc tomorrow. ********** Where my journal starts for tonight. That last thread was from August 13th, 2003. What a great fucking day it sounded like. Ok here's the news. I went to the psy doc with my dad. I was feeling sad as hell. For a long time. Weeks. So I seen the doctor. He changed my medications and BAM I am feeling anger like never before in my life. Well yes...once...Remember Orlando Florida? If you know about that then you know what I mean. I am going off on everyone. I went off on my mother and my sister. Not my father. I went off on Den and Chuck. Chuck and his Wife actually. I didn't know what happened there. The world I am in is lost dark and I am without a light. Where can you go Chad? What can you do? Can you really pull off this film carreer? Can you do it? I don't think you can. This is the negative me speaking for now. And you ain't going anywheres. You see I control you Chad. I control everything you do and everywhere you go. I control everything you say and everyone you hurt. How does it feel? How does it feel to be controlled you loser mother fucker? Do you want to get the gun now? I can't get you to even kill yourself. I can't. You are to strong for me, but I can get your thoughts. And ain't anyone stopping me from your thought process. Don't be worried. I am not split mind and going to kill myself. I am argueing every angle I can. To see what it's like from your point of view. I mean come on. Chad you piece of shit. You can't even hold a job. You can't even make a damn friend and keep it. They make fun of you and you run. Instead of picking up a damn brick. Whatever that means. I don't know. You are seeing a seriously mentally ill guy talking here. This is no act. This is real. This is hate and everything. From saying spic, to saying nigger, to saying you fucking rag head mother fucker. And fuck the white people too. Sure I am racist, but to all you damn niggers and crackers I am white and I am racist against every race, because none of you fuckers can hold your own. Everyone brings down everyone. Stuff is said. I will just babble like always. 10 people will read this. More will thread through it. Millions will miss it. And I will be a star to one. Who is that one? Why are you contacting me yet? Damn. Contact me "one". I need ya. I seriously do. Do you not think it's you? Do you not? People are getting tired earlier then ever. People are waking up earlier then ever. People are scared, doing drugs, and killing. I am only one of those. Scared...did you think it was the killing? Or were you stupid and think it was the drugs? I never touched drugs and to the best I can I will go my whole life without being a junkie. I don't want to even be a prep fuck that takes drugs to piss off mommy and daddy. And to seem like a little baddie. The blue meanies wouldn't like that would they? But they let you guys go. Was that a Z reference? You know it was mother fucker. This is my most out there post? I ain't sure. Damn. Damn. Well I am tired of writing. I will go now. I will send this out to some of my friends so maybe they can see me. For who I am. For what I become. Maybe they will be closer to me so I can get better. I need to be healed. I need to be taken to a a new level. Know what I mean? I do. Well bye bye for now. See ya. Dang dang dang. -goodbye- -chad- |
|
Surviving - 08/01/03 - Friday I miss Uncle Clyde. He was a good man and a damn good big brother for my dad. Not much to note today. I went seen a psychologist. It went pretty good. Better then expected. He is more like a professional counsiler. I seriously am sitting here understanding more then ever I hate life. I seriously can't stand it. Highs and fucking lows all the damn time. Why care when you get a high when you go back to a low? The lows hurt a lot. I don't know what it's like to be normal. I seriously don't. A lot of people read this journal. Soon I will go down a list of people I don't fucking care about and thats 90% of the people I know who read this journal. Like shortie and magic. Whatever to them. I don't care. They don't know who real friends are and probably never will. I am getting tired of a lot of people in my town. I got maybe two really good friends and a bunch of associates. Know what I mean? Well I been listening to a lot of Punk music and I am liking it a lot. I won't list any of the bands here, because I just don't fucking feel like it. "You always bring me down and I am always sick of being pushed around". A Simple Plan sang that line in a song. Sounds like my life. I am tired of waking up early. There ain't shit to do. I am gonna start going to bed late. I want to make up past 1pm or so. Damn I am bored with life and very unhappy. Life is just bullshit. BULLSHIT! Why must we go through such things? People are annoying little drones and pieces of shit. Friends are one thing, but these other people that talk to you can suck my fucking asshole ring. You piece of shits. Ok I am kinda calmed down a bit. Well nothing is happening. I bid a $1,000.00 on a camera on EBay and got it. It was a "Buy Now" product. Where if you bid on the top ammount you automatic get it. The set ammount actually. So I paid $37 for shipping. The camera is a Canon GL-1. I love it. I can't wait to start doing movies. I am gonna say fuck you to the entire town that spits on me every damn day. And say hello to people that will respect me for the fuck who I am. Well I am going to bed afterwhile. So thanks for listening. My words, not yours. -goodbye- -chad- |
|
Surviving - 7-28-03 - Monday Well I am feeling suicidal tonight. I am in a normal state and thinking negativly if that is a good sign I do not know. I could go down a rant, but I rather talk. And if that stuck up bitch from yahoo is reading this well this goes out to you "YOU'RE A STUCK UP SNOB". You know who you are shortie or whatever the fuck your name is. You were one of my biggest readers and then you got to good for me. That's not why I am mad tonight. I just wanted to tell the bitch something. I don't know what to do anymore. I lost out on college 5 times. Shitty stuff. I lost out on more one day jobs then I went to college. If I don't find some easement soon I don't know whats gonna happen. I ain't responsible for shit anymore. If I fail fuck you it's your fault mind. My mind controls me and makes me fuck up. I feel the thoughts pouring through. The Anxiety building up and destroying my actions. That I am dieing inside, but clearly to others I am not. Fuck I ain't writing anymore. It might be a shit load before I write again. No one cares. whatever chad |
|
Surviving - 07/12/03 - Saturday living on the edge, the straight edge... I feel like fucking shit right now. The pain is so bad and it's not calming down. My nerves are bursting right now. The pain is so unreal that I don't know the next feeling. I am hoping to see this pass soon. I can't take this. It hurts so bad. I feel like crying so bad right now. The pain hurts. I was fine all day. Until the night. And it just got set off. Now I am fucking nervous and angered bad. I feel like fighting. Like just crushing someone, but I won't. I won't fight. Damn I don't like this at all. I hate this feeling. Shit...I don't know what to do or who to call. It's so much nerves and so little happiness. Damn I can't reach out to anyone. I will just snap. End of story for now. -goodbye- -chad- |
|
Surviving - 06/25/03 - Wednesday I didn't believe in Him(God), but he sure did help me out of some shit. Well glowing. It's a good feeling, but what does it mean? I sure don't know, but many people seem to like it. It's the kinda feeling that you just start smiling when you feel it. You write beautifully. You just are a lot nicer to other people. You kiss your loved one like you mean it and thats the time to prove it. Glowing feels like your falling in love. It feels like the first time you see a Rainbow. The first time you walk into a Church and you know Jesus and God are real. That they are in your presence. I wish I would glow all the time. Just to feel like a mellow person and not worry about dieing. To not worry where your life will lead you. To not worry about getting the shit end of it all. I wish I could just feel like I am glowing and nothing bad crumbles. A moment of glowing is like being in love with a female and that she makes the bad things in life seem ok. That she makes you feel like you are lifted up inside. That you are the one and only thing that matters when it comes to being happy, but we all know thats not always true. There are others. Like a mother and father. A sister and a brother. A son and a daughter. Pets. Stuff like that. I want to fall in with you is a good statement. It just feels right when she's looking at you. And all you want to do is just cry. That you feel like you reached the peak of all that is great, but wait...just one second...you see the peak? Do you feel it? Imagine going one higher. Don't think you can? Christians know you can. Got what I am saying? Heaven. It's the answer. I don't believe there will be a 100,000 or a bit higher going to heaven. I think we are all going. Well us that glow. To glow is to feel love. To glow is to be love. To love is to be one of God's childrens. One of his followers. That's all for now. Just a message. -goodbye-for-now- -chad-michael-mallett- |
|
Surviving - 05/08/03 - Thursday i was cryin when i met you, i am dieing to forgot you... -aerosmith I wrote the above topic in May 08, 2002. One year ago this day. The day was a Wednesday. Today it's a Thursday. Looking back on it. Nothing has really changed. I would have put a snip out of that journal entry onto this one, but there was nothing really I wanted to show. It wasn't one of the "best". You know what I mean? Well nothing is really happening. Time flies fast. I don't really have depression problems anymore. It's more Anxiety. Really bad Anxiety too. I have problems with it all the time. And the OCD rituals. They are getting massive. Well I don't know. I am hanging in there big time. Things to discuss? Ok. I went seen Breaking Benjamin and Godsmack Tuesday Nite with some friends. Their nick names are Cockzilla, Tank, and Big Daddy Lurch. They are some good guys. We had fun. It was a night of freedom. I got the lead singer of Breaking Benjamin's autograph. I will frame it soon. That was exciting. I got another autograph. The whole film studio is coming along slowly. I went to Vocational Rehabilitation Services(VRS) and they said it would be very difficult for me to get the grant. So I am kinda at ease with that. Meaning I kinda figured that would happen. It's a government program. And the government seems to shit on my people. Oh well. They are taking the "Ticket To Work" program. So I will see about getting a small job with them. One that I can't lose my SSI. I want to keep it for the deal of Medicaid. So it can help me pay for that $200 and over a month medication bill. Damn the medicine companies. Those assholes. Looked I cursed! Well, I hate to say it, but nothing is getting any better. Everything is staying the same. It's like the only thing that can happen now is something terrible. And I'm not liking that idea. Something horrific. Know what I mean? I am wishing for something kick ass to happen. I am trying to get grants from other places. But thats a once a year kind of thing. What I mean is most deadlines have passed. And the ones that are coming up will not be handed out until next year. Shit. So it's like I am fucked. I don't feel like another year and a half on my fucking ass. People keep asking me if I want to get a job. I know I can't handle one at this point, but with this VRS deal. I may get the training I need. I know they set up an appointment with me for a psycological test and a day of training. Two seperate days. So I am thankful. Maybe that means I will get something. I hope so. I could use the extra money towards bills, the film company, birthday presents, and X-Mas presents. I already got the father's day and mother's day presents I needed to get. I will not say them here, because I don't want anyone to see it. And you know rat it out to my parents and step father. I kinda miss my step nieces. I wish I could see more of them. This June my mother and I might be driving up to Wisconsin to meet family friends. We met them two or three times before. The lady met my mom off the internet and we all became friends. They are really nice and cool. She likes my mom a lot as a great friend. I will be possibly staying in the basement. First time I ever will sleep in a base- ment. I been in their's before. It was a weird feeling. Always seeing them on tv and finally being in one. They said it was dirty the first time they got in it. And they cleaned it up and made a room out of it. It's cool. They have a couch down there, cable, the internet, and a pool table. So I am looking forward to that. I know the daughter has grown up. So it will be weird to talk to her. Seeing as how she was about 12 the first time I met her. Now she should be about 17? 18? I am not sure. She is a young lady now. Speaking of young ladies my sister has been cool lately. I hope she stays out of trouble. I don't care for the people she hangs out with, but I will respect her for hanging out with them. I won't put them down in this entry. Unless they piss me off some day. I been listening to a lot of punk music. Hey if you are an old friend and/or a reader of this and want to be friends with me, don't be afraid to contact me. You seriously should. I have made some good friends from this. My email address is cnote@rocketmail.com and my icq number is 2676927. And my yahoo id is i_failed_in_life. And my other email address is filmmaker70546@yahoo.com and from that you get my zip code! I am not scared. I been having threats thrown at me, but it's by chicken shit people, lol. They are scared. I wish they would come fight me. I'd love to kick some ass. Also New Championship Wrestling is back up on EFED's. It used to be a wrestling promotion in a town near by me. We used to go and have fun. I was the head referee. I had a cult following. It was damn cool. I miss it. Now it's an online fed. We roleplay and stuff. It's fun and great excitement. It's a way to blow off the life cycle and pressure of everyday bullshit. We let loose and have fun. I was known as "The Blue Weenie". I am still "The Blue Weenie" in the EFed. I love that name. It's funny. I sure do miss it. I am in contact with a Fed like ours used to be. I am gonna buy some tapes from the guy. I am buying two tapes right now. I am waiting to hear from him. I can't wait to get them. It's gonna kick ass. Well...I am getting tired. I am gonna go for now. Thanks for reading. Contact me! -goodbye- -chad- |
|
Surviving - 04/04/02 - Thursday tell me what you thought about when the worst was over... Listening to punk and just writing. That's all I am doing right now. I am talking to Debbie too. She's sweet. She's talking to me and trying to help me to get better. She say's the same thing everyone else says. "Be positive". I don't know. I try and try. It only hurts more and more when I get shut down. I think it's a down thing. A down time in this misreable world. Oh well. I haven't shone up to really hardly anything in RMS. My caseworker is probably upset with me. So is probably the lady that runs it. I don't know. I am thinking about quiting. I am not enjoying my life right now and I am trying to fight it all I can. People don't understand how tough this is. It's a bitch. Opps...I cursed. Oh... I been having writer's block. I haven't written anything in a while. And I am not liking anything I have really written. I feel it could be so much better, but I am not trying to do it. Oh fucking well. :o( Damn. I am low on money all the fucking time, my dream seem's to be just a damn dream, and no lady in my life. I guess all because I hardly ever leave the damn house. I don't have anywheres to go. I don't have anything to do. I can't handle working, I can't handle people thinking I am a weirdo. I just can't. I don't know what I am gonna do anymore. I am not wanting death. I don't think about it. All I think about is when God will come down and take us all up to heaven and the rest go to hell. Well thats enough for now. Thanks for listening. Bye bye and goodluck. -goodbye- -chad-andrew-kase |
|
Surviving - 04/01/03 - Tuesday a little over 3 years...not a lot written... I don't know what I am gonna say. No this isn't some lame April Fools Prank. Just not a lot on my mind, but I needed to write. Just to let lose a little bit. Know what I mean? I am right now turning MP3's to WAVS for my sister. I am making her two 'Counting Crows' CD's. One "Recovering The Satellites" and the other is "August And Everything After". They have some pretty good songs on there. I am gonna keep the MP3's on my computer. So I can listen to the songs too. Well my back is hurting a bit. I was told by a couple people it might be stress. It sure feels like it tonight. I don't know what to do about it. I hope something fixes it soon. Well thanks for reading. Sorry again for the short entry!!! Ps. I am not gonna commit suicide. I never wanted to. There is a difference between suicidal thoughts and wishes. Thoughts usually come close. Like attempts and successes. Wishes are just wishing it could happen, but never doing it. I am a wisher. -goodbye- -chad-andrew-kase |
|
Surviving - 03/31/03 - Monday cyn is in...i want to cyn some more ;o) Well a friend of mine has reminded me what the journal intries are for. Her "name" is Cyn. She is a sweet friend and an angel in my heart. I been knowing her for a while. Even though we hardly talk and I don't know a lot about her. We still care for each others safety. She told me that she reads my journal. And when she goes through crap it helps her, because she says that I go through a lot and I am still here. I hope I explained that right. Thanks Cyn. I have a new friend named Chuck. He is a good friend. We laugh and tell jokes all night long. I go to his house often. To watch wrestling and hang out. Other people sometimes go there. I have something to confess, but when you read this. You have to understand it was about 6 or 7 years ago. Maybe more. I was in a lot of emotional pain. I didn't know I had three mental illnesses and I was really tired of life. Well I was about 17 or 18 when I came to the conclusion that I needed to finish college, find a wife, and have kids by the time I am 25. I have to be happy and enjoy life. If not, I was gonna commit suicide. Well over the years I got closer and closer to 25. I hit 24 this year. It was weird. I just knew that 25 was coming. Now understand I am not going through with it. I have too much to leave behind. I have my mom who I love so much. She is my world. She is my shield and helps me to get through things. My sister, well she is my baby sister and my real sister. No step stuff and no half stuff. No adopted either. I have a true blood relationship with her. She helps me out. I love her so much. There is my dad. I love my dad and to me you aren't a man until you walked in his shoes. He busted his ass for my family. Even after him and my mom divorced. He is an amazing guy. My Uncle Clyde told my dad when he divorced my mom, that my dad shouldn't do what Uncle Clyde did. He shouldn't go to bars and drinking. My dad does do that. I wonder if he remembers what my Uncle Clyde said to him. My Uncle passed away early this year. Or late last year. I called my dad to tell him. I need to pause for a little while. Be right back. Ok. I never heard my dad scream in pain and cry like that. That wasn't my father on the phone. It a young boy losing his best friend, his big brother, his idol, it was my dad. Those screams still hurt me today. I kept asking on the phone who I was talking to. I didn't know that was my dad when he was screaming. I was so scared. I couldn't believe my dad was like that. I am not saying it's a bad thing. I am not highlighting the death, but I want to say I never seen my dad as a man until I heard him on the phone. Thats all I got to say about that. My dog Bambam is 17 years old. She is getting close to death. Real close. It can be anytime soon. I am scared too. I don't know how I will handle it. I got her when I was 7 years old and now I am 24. Thats a lot of shit to go through. I was there when she had her first seizure. I was crying and freaking out. I didn't know what happened to her. I was worried. Well you gotta understand. When I grew up. I was the center of jokes for everyone. I was the punching bag. I would cry so easily. And want to die more each day. But I had something the humans didn't. A relationship with my pets. I could pet them and just talk to them. They never made fun of me, they never called me names, they were just my best friends. I became a vegetarian in around 1997 or 1998. I did it because animals never did me anything. Plus how can you eat a living being? Who is to say you are higher then God? And don't give me that bullshit "If it's good enough for jesus it's good enough for me". BULLSHIT. Show me in the bible wear Jesus ate meat? All he did was fish and eat fish. He'd eat bread. I never heard of Jesus eating anything else. Now I am not saying there isn't anything in the bible about meat. I am just saying don't fucking tell me that I am nothing compared to Jesus when half of you fucks do drugs, curse, have premartail sex, smoke, drink, and so much other stuff. Yet you don't think anyone should dog Jesus and God? Let me tell you something. When you and I get to the "pearly gates" in heaven. My ass will go in first because I shown more respect then your ass ever has. Understand? I doubt you'd understand. Well to add, I don't drink, do drugs, smoke, eat meat, eat dairy, and eat seafood. I am saving myself for marriage. Yes I am a Straight Edger. With a Vegan side. Not a vegetarian. And I am sick of those fucking kids changing the shit. If I see any of your fake sXe asses and you tell me how the rules have changed. I am gonna fuck your little wanna be styling badd ass wanna be, bitch ass mother fucker little poser bitch ass into the fucking cement. FUCK YOU! YOU FUCKING POSER!!! Now enough of that. I am still working on checking for a grant for my Film Company. I need to becareful because I am on SSI. I am looking to shoot comercials and more with my camera. Take pictures and everything. So I could get off SSI and feel like I am making my own money. Know what I mean? Well I am gonna go to bed now. I just let out a bunch of steam. Thanks for being there for me people. I appreciate it. To the true people... TOP 10 REASONS YOU MIGHT BE BIPOLAR!!! 10. You think Robin Williams should perk up. 9. You just bought the Kenny G and Barry Mantilow box set just because. 8. You think going to bed on a Monday and getting up on a Friday is a good rest. 7. What do you mean you're tired - I had only 3 orgasams! 6. You cannot remember the word "the". 5. You know the names of at least three antidepressants and fifteen mood stabilizers. 4. Your cat's name is Kay and your dog's name is Jamison. 3. You bring your own research to the doctor's. 2. You think a drive from Vancouver,BC to Miami is something to do in four days. 1. Last night you understood the secrets of the universe and this morning you are wondering whether the jam goes on top of the peanut butter or under it. -goodbye- -chad- |
|
Surviving - 03/20/03 - Thursday he's the candle stick maker... Well I don't know where to start. It's been a while since my last medication change. I was put on something new. Xanax and Celexa was taken off my plan. I feel great. But today I feel just sad and down. Not really depressed. Just down and sad. The war started yesterday. I am for the troops going. I am against anti-war people. I support our troops. Well there is a sad thing. My sister's best friend, Lurch, went out to Iraq. We don't have contact with him anymore. So we are praying and hoping for the best. I am just worried about my sister. I don't want her to lose him. I still miss my Uncle Clyde. He was awesome. I still hear my dad screaming in my head from when he heard he died. It's horrible. It's painful. It's a death streak. I never heard my dad cry and scream in pain like that. Damn...I don't know what to say about it. :( Well life has a brillant way of hurting you and making you happy. I am losing friendships left and right. I am being lonely. And being alone isn't fun. I got "Your Ticket To Work" in the mail. It's a program the government is making. It's so you can get a job or training to work. I will be getting a job making candles in my home. I hope it works out for me. Also I have scolerosies. A slight case actually. My back hurts a lot. I wish the pain would go away. I don't know what to think anymore. My film company is looking difficult to start up. I don't know. I heard that grants might cause me to lose my SSI. Basically because it's a "Self Employed Business". I pretty much wish I could do that. Maybe if I get good with this training company I can save up to buy a camera. Well thanks for listening. I will go for now. Peace, freedom, happiness... -goodbye- -chad- |
|
Surviving - 02/27/03 - Thursday something to smile about... Today, well this afternoon it's around 1pm. I decided to write in my journal early and soon. I forgot about it, because the site has been down for some time. You will notice a new look for the site. A split for kids and adults. A rated R section and a PG section. I hope to make a PG 13 section too. Well, not much has been happening. My pdoc changed two of my medications. I am finally feeling good. I am glad. It's like a big weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I am thankful for that. Not much has been holding me down. I have a new caseworker for RMS. Her first day was today. She took over for my last one. I think this will be a great thing. I am looking forward to it. Changes can be good sometimes. Sometimes even great. We shall wait and see. Well about my film company. I been waiting to get it off the ground. My website url is the following: http://www.dacruestudios.com I like it and hope to explore more grounds with it. I am looking into getting a grant for my camera and a couple things. To get the ball rolling. I have a crew ready and willing to go. I just need the startup money. I hope all goes well with it. I hope to make some great movies. I want to make short films and put them together on one VHS Tape/DVD CD. I think it will change my life and give me a great outlook on things. I can't wait. I am writing scripts right now. Not at this moment though, haha. I am mainly writing drama's. I love drama's. They impact you so much. They can have comedy, thrillers, and horror all in a drama. Even action and other stuff. I love all the posibilities. I wrote a lot of bad stuff in the journal pages. Things are changing. For the better. So you may not see as many cursewords. You may not also see anything negative. Depending on how I am feeling. Well that's it for now. Thanks for stopping by and reading. |
|
Surviving - 01/12/03 - Sunday Damn It Hurts So Bad To Not Cry... Forever for tonite. I will love you. Good song lyrics, but what do they really mean? I can't describe what they mean to me. I can only show you through pain I put up with to be with you. You being whoever is reading this. If you are reading this you must care some how or must hate me and want to see me suffer. Whatever the case. I do care a bit about you. Not much at times, but I do. I don't know where my life is going. I am coming up a road of three directions. I am not gonna say all three, but here's one. I am going to a college in my town to be a welder. I am gonna do the best I can. I am feeling so bad these last two nites and it hurts badly. I feel like I am in so much pain. The evil I must have done in a previous life. It must have been like hell for other people. I must be being punished for something. But what? I don't know. Life is kinda odd. I don't want any holy rollers emailing me. I don't need that. What I need is a fucking key to insert into the hole in my soul. The distance between two worlds. Don't read between the lines...because there is nothing there. I might be famous some day. And if I die. Or if I am killed. Or if something happens to me. You will have read this and knew me. You would feel like you lost a part of yourself. Last nite they wanted to send me to the emergency room aka the hospital, aka dialing 911. Why so they can stick me with needles? So they can lock me in a white hall way in a white room. With nothing but cold people. No food I can eat. And heartless doctors and nurses? They don't care about us. All they care about is their own shit. Making quick bucks while helping out numbers. If you are reading this and know something. Tell it to me. Whatever it might be. I need to know. I am scared a lot of the time. I am alone in my house. I hear my own voice in my head screaming stuff I never screamed before. I hear it saying to give up or just quit everything. But I won't. I don't want to give up. I'd not like giving up on whatever haunts me. All the bad people in the world and a very scared little guy just not knowing where to go or who to trust. I think my family trusts some stupid people aka bad people. But I must too. Because I get used all the time. I took my meds 45 minutes early. Just now at 8:15pm. So I hope they kick in. Satelite. I hate pain. Emotional or physical. Spiritual too. Mental too. Add them all in there. They all hurt and cause lots of problems. Are you home alone? I am. Did you know that? My sister won't move in with me, because she can't bring friends over that she wants. She also can't bring them to where she lives now. So does that seem like a pathetic excuse? It seems that way to me. She also threw in another good one. I can't live in that apartment, because thats where me and my ex were. Thats funny. She has no problem sleeping in her bedroom where many of her ex's have slept. I told my sister and mom yesterday that I was suicidal. I don't often tell them this. Well I beeped my sister when she was gone and asked her for a ride around town so I can listen to music and talk. She told me she was doing her hair. Then finally told me to go meet her. Thats fucked up. She wonders why she's always getting the shit end of the deal with my family. I'm tired of Waffle House. I gave up on that place months ago. I also gave up on everyone I met there. So fuck it. It's a shit hole anyways. I'm bored. I am gonna go now. Starting to yawn and stuff. See ya. Bye. -chad- |
|
Surviving - 11/09/02 - Saturday Danielle's sweeter then a chocolate mint! Time after time. I think about Danielle. There is a lot of net chicks, but none are gonna be worth what can become what Danielle is. Danielle is very special to me in my heart. She means a great deal to me. I appreciate where we have gone and what we have done together, but I will never get over how beautiful her soul is. It's amazing what you can collect just by looking into a person's eyes. It's amazing. She's so beautiful and her eyes can tell you that. They lead you on a journey you can't get back from. I tried so hard to tell her all those big things, but I never thought about telling her the little things. The things that stand alone and sometimes together as one. I still have two presents for her. I hope she will enjoy them. I bought them a while back, but damn I don't know. My heart sometimes is afraid of what could not happen. What could be dead and what could be alive. I don't know. I will just think of good stuff. I hope Danielle will be there for me when I talk to her. I miss seeing her. I haven't seen her in a while. I wish that'd change. The last time I seen her I grabbed her by both her arms and just stared into her eyes. I couldn't speak for what seemed like hours, but I did. And I probably said something goofy, but I remember saying something nice to her. I hope she understands about me. See, I don't have much to live for basically. My mom, sister, Dad, and dog. She may open a fifth door. Who knows? Well God probably does. He will show me the way to see if I am meant for her. I hope the whole me being mentally ill won't scare away Danielle. Or the fact that $545 is my income each month. She's destined to be a great person. So I am lucky to have her in my life. Even if it's not a boyfriend gurlfriend situation. Know what I mean? Poo Poo & Milk...thats private ;o) Well I don't know. If I so happy to get my camera. I want to for sure start making some hellacious money. I want to support my entire family. I want them to be taken care of. I want someone like Danielle to be my future wife. I am not saying exactly her, cause this is a bit early. I am saying maybe, or someone else. It's easy to say. Well, I don't know what to say anymore. Off and on for 13 years, I have been pretty fucked up with my life. My emotions. My soul. My heart. My beliefs in God. But now things will change. I will keep my emotions high. Jesus is helping me. Danielle if you do decide to read this remember this. I didn't build my damn life on opinions. I built it on love. I could have ended my life about 6 years ago. Maybe more, maybe less. But the love I had left in me kept me going. It did. It kept me alive. I am here now because of this. See? goodbye..... -chad- |
|
Surviving - 10/26/02 - Saturday Well...let's see. I don't know where to start really. If you want to be on an updating list for this site email me and say so. Don't be afraid if you don't want me knowing you are reading this. It's ok. I just want people to look at what a weird world I live in. Have a cursed yet? Guess not. ALSO 2 THINGS!!! First off Jennifer Lynn, I miss you. I seriously do. Remember "Iris" and "City Of Angels"? I remember that stuff :o) The above site was made for you. I made it with my own heart and a lot of searching. I set it up the best I can. When you put the mouse on top of your picture it says what your name means. I love you Jennifer. I loved the jester. I shall start sleeping with it. It will be your love to me and my love back. Please get in touch with me. Please? She loves Romeo, Romeo loves her, but they are lost in the love. That can mean a lot. A lot can over take your heart. But when we talked on the phone Jennifer it was amazing. You called me when you were freezing outside that payphone. I could hear the cold wind blowing. I was in Orlando, Florida. I loved that you bought a phone card. We talked until it ran out. Damn you made it everything to me. The nite we got into a bad fight and I called you at 6am in the morning apologising for everything that happened between us and you said how great it was that I called you. It showed I loved you. I still do baby. I still do. http://www.jokerstears.com/la/imcnote/jennifer.html Thats all yours. Only Number Two, no Sis, I am not calling you a number 2 I am just saying it's your turn. Look I had a big arguement by email with you about drugs. Who does it, who doesn't. Why some should, some shouldn't. You can't beat me on this. There is no way you can. I know my stuff about this. If you have been reading all these journal entries then your ass hasn't paid enough attention to them to know what I been through. So don't question me and my people. It's not right. So think about it. All of it. I LOVE YOU SIS AND JENNIFER :o) goodbye. -chad- |
|
Surviving - 10/23/02 - Wednesday Damn It's Back. It's been 9 days of highs. Highs that wouldn't stop. A great feeling with no bad effects to it. Nothing causing me any pain. Now today. Yesterday. What the fuck? Am I to be doomed? Am I to be ousted into hell? Well??? What is it oh glorious one? A guess jack shit is for me. Nothing good ever comes from my straight days. Days of just being a good guy inside and out. Standing alone with my heart. Testing no boundries. Testing no ones morals. Being a piece of god in the heart of a mortal. Well guess what? Ain't shit gonna change. Is this a test? Is it me veruses the computer? It can't last that much longer. It can't be this fucking hard. Or is it easy? Shall we be one or shall we be two? My hand itches. Must mean something. Maybe. Maybe not. Something always means something. Or sometimes a rock is just a rock. Don't over think anything. Don't hold a grude with your soul. See my eyes are getting heavy and I am getting more depressed. It's only 8:10pm. I woke up at 7:20am. What a great day. I made my mom an early XMas present in group. It turned out nice. She enjoyed it. It came with candy and a pencil. It's a pencil holder. She always needs one. This angel named danielle brought the stuff to group. No not the danielle I like. Another danielle. I still have not seen or heard from Erin or Danielle. So I assume both ends have met? That we are not as close of friends as we once expected? I guess. I don't know. I really ain't think about friends anymore. Too much toxic fumes going around in this shithole town. Some toxic fumes seem to be hitting close to home. Who could it be? It isn't me. Because I'm not a fucking piece of shit. Maybe Amanda? Maybe my Dad? You decide. And you decide what toxic stuff it is. It could be anything. Alcohol is a light toxic waste compared to this shit. Oh well. I don't know what to say about it. I really don't. I am tired of all this. Everyone does drugs. EVERYONE IS TRASH. I am so tired of everything in this town. Everything that happens gets shit dumped all over it by these losers who think their lives are so great. Oh fucking well. Damn I hate this. Amanda will never find a good boyfriend, my mom will always be a house bitch, my dad will always drink and think more of his friends then his own family, and I will always be suicidal. I don't know what to do. I am scared. I don't know where life stands in this day and age anymore. Where can I go? Who can I turn to? Certainly not these toxic pieces of shit. These low life losers. Oh well. Fuck it. I am gonna call my mom. And go to bed. Bye. Fuck it shit. goodbye. -chad- |
|
Surviving - 10/16/02 - Wednesday Why Can't You Hear Me Screaming?!?!? Don't listen to the title. It's fake. It ain't real. It's as real as your cold heart. Know what I am saying? I bet you do. You seem to be free lancing a lot lately. I am making this all up. I am bored and am looking to talk to someone. But no one is around. I can't find any good people anymore. Everyone is stuck up the ass. Hard and rough. Fucking bastards. Damn I cursed. I can't help it in here. It's hard to not curse. No problem. Yes, there is a problem. WHERE ARE MY STRAIGHT EDGERS AT?!?!? I miss and want you guys. Down south gosh dang it. I want to be with my bro's and sis's. I want to party the right way with you guys. Up all nite movies. Eating veggie burgers. And whipping some drug head ass. Know what I mean? Mother fuckers. Well I am trying not to take the lord's name in vain. But it's damn hard. Tell me if I screw up or some shit. I am gonna give college a third Chance. Well...maybe this time it will work. Or maybe that ghost in my house will stop blowing on my neck. Seriously if you are a ghost buster, email me. Know what I am saying? Gosh damn it that is worse then "know what i mean". Damn. Life treats me well. I treat life well. Life goes down. Throws up on me. It kind does 4 hours of push ups and throws up all over inside the crater. Fucking crater. Always getting the best of me. ALWAYS!!! I'm on a high. Damn. Thats like a lot of highs lately. A LOT!!! Today I had a sack scare. My sack turned red and swole up. I thought I had testicular cancer. I was afraid. Well the left testicle swole up. All it is...well a cum blockage, not blue balls. An infection. I will take antibotics and cream for it. If it gets any worse I need to go right back to the doctor. Well back onto the college thing. I am gonna go basically for Office shit. Not accounting. I don't want that. That's my mom's job. I want to be a office clerk or intern. Someone who gets fucked in the ass. By the man! YAY! Let us pray. Dear Lord, have the mercy to grant me one wish that Ashley says hey whats up to me and I just know it. Like I already do in this world. Thanks Lord. Amen. Ok thanks for the prayer. Some shit goes up and some shit goes down. Which is the best? Neither. None of it matters. There's a bunch of guys in town that are getting on my fucking nerves. I want to punch some bitches out cold. I will do it soon. I am waiting though. I want it to feel good. The best. A rush. Through. My. Heart. hehe. I never use the same lines on a female. I always tell her that she is beautiful and I practically just go from there. I mainly want to fall in love. With some female like Ashley. She's so wonderful. An Angel. Today we had a national tragedy. No one was heard when I screamed for the gun. The gun was thrown to me. I caught it. I held it up. Fired three shots. Then the crowd screamed. What did they scream? I will not say. You will have to earn that one. Bye. -goodnite- -chad- |
|
Surviving - 10/15/02 - Tuesday Brothers & Sisters Are Ya With Me?!?!? We are walking on sun shine in the rain. Said by some. Spoken by many. You wouldn't understand how hard I have to fight to be a bad ass mother fucker in my own mind. I sit here and just think for hours. Imagine the thoughts just before bedtime. I think different and hard. It's weird. I just sit there and thoughts run through my mind like a wolf through the woods. Ok, this whole film gig thing isn't kicking off. I am tired of sitting on my ass and waiting. So if anyone is in the Louisiana area and wants to play a one person role I can either use a male and a female or two females. It calls for a lot of drama. A hard script to do. You will have to sign papers saying you will keep it all a secret, until we release it. You will have the rights to play future characters in my movies. Only you and your friend. Or if someone else comes along. Know what I mean? I hate that saying. Fucking stupid ass sand nigger. I hate life pretty much. For the simple fact my mind stops me from going off in this world. So tomorrow I am gonna go to my Support Group and then I am going see if this local college has any help for the mentally ill. Like easier and lighter schedule. Or extra help. Counsilers or whatever. I hope I can make it out. I want to. But I'd miss you all. I went on a date last nite. It was nice. It's not a boyfriend/gurlfriend deal. Just a date. She's a real sweetheart and was a great date. We joked around and watched "The Red Dragon". It was a good movie. I enjoyed it. Of course :o) You know I did. I love movies. Yes. 9:06pm and "Save Tonite" by Eagle Eye Cherry just came on. DAMN people. Help, lol. It's a hard life. Damn it is. Did you know about that song? Then ask me and I shall tell. Either here or by email. Ok, well...I went to an anointed healer Sunday. It was different! Let me tell you. But my ribs are feeling better and so is my back. Also I been mostly high lately from the whole bipolar deal. But it also may be the faith and holy spirit running through me. Also to my friends that think I meant the other kind of high. FUCK YOU. You are trash and always will be. Fucking piece of shits. Damn a shitty song just came on. I hate it due to some reason. Whatever. Sometimes I think this journal isn't gonna go anywhere. My mind doesn't stay still while I write it. It shifts around. A lot actually. *winks at Ashley*. *winks at Jamie*. I miss you both. You both mean a lot to me. Whether it be friends or something else. I do actually appreciate you both. Jamie, please email me sometimes. I know you are busy, but all in all I miss you. Jamie I wasn't talking about you about the high pot head bullshit. I was talking about intown friends. It's ok for you. I know what you go through. You can't afford the meds. Don't go Jason Waterfalls. Please stick to the...so that song just got into your mind. Didn't it? Well I have a small gig this Monday at 6:30pm. So I will be looking forward to it. I will go practice filming the people on stage at the small theatre here. I also will be editing it when I get home then bringing it to my friend to see if he likes what I can do. Know what I mean? He is a cool as shit friend. I really appreciate everything he does for me. He is a good guy and I will stand up for him. I also will be a cool guy for him. Keep him levelheaded, lol just kidding man. Well I wrote enough. See you later. Bye. Bye. Bye... -goodnite- -chad- |
|
Surviving - 10/10/01 - Thursday Falling Down A Path Of Dark Hate... Well it's been a while hasn't it? I thought you'd ask where I have been. So I am gonna tell you. Maryland internet company sucks. No, I am not from Mary- land. I just got my website through them. Now it's on a Freedom site. But that maybe under attack. See the same server I have my stuff on also has racist sites, but check this out. It can have racism against any race, BUT Pal-Shit won't let us use the program so we can pay for our sites. So I am talking to one of the lead guys of this Freedom Site to get my money in order for them. Know what I mean? Guess not. That wasn't your language. I don't know what to say. Fall in and out of love a lot. Fall in and out of friendship a lot. Just to say shit and just to do shit has a different meaning. It's like one day you can be the expert of something and the next dumb as shit. Fuck it. To feel you in on some news. My sister, Amanda, broke up with Josh and started LATER dating a guy named Joey. Well she broke up with him too. There is a couple of guys around that look cool, but what if they are another Josh. Know what I mean? I ain't gonna go into details. But the boy and someone else is in jail. So it's all good. No need to worry. Death threats, running people off the road, and mugging guys will stop for the time being. I met a new chick a little while back. Her name is Danielle. And there is another one named Heather who I met recently. I like them both a lot. Danielle isn't showing me any interest that she wants to be with me. I don't know what to do about that. It hurts me so bad. I don't know what to say. I seriously don't. Ok. I am so tired tonite. Other news. I sent in pictures and a bit of a story line to Sony/Atom Films to have my movie made. If I win I will receive $15,000. a camera, computer, headphones, and more. So I am glad about that. It will be great. I will enjoy it if I win. If not, I will enter another contest. Until I am in the door. And anyone wanting to ride my coat tail will fall off. There are new people in my life. I am only happy about C and a couple others. It's like the others aren't gonna be anything close to what I am looking for in a friend. C which stands for my new friend is a cool guy. He respects me a lot for my beliefs and I love that. He understands I don't drink, smoke, do drugs, and eat meat. He's cool with all that. So it's a great thing for me. I swear if anyone hurts my sister anymore. I can't be responsible for what I have done to the person or persons. I am not talking about this fucking bullshit talk the talk. I am not talking about walking the walk. I am talking about I am gonna put the bitch in ICU. I may go to jail or the hospital. Which ever is cool with me. Know what I mean? Well later people. Goodnite. Sweetthoughts. goodbye -chad- |
|
Surviving - 08/13/02 - Tuesday she said bye, but i'd rather hi. Life without love is bullshit. I can't seem to hit the mark on anything. This website will be changing soon. I will be encountering a new server. A better one infact. One where I can choose what to say. Freedom of speech. I will also use the n word a lot and the s word a couple times. If someone doesn't like it then, oh god damn well. Fuck it. Know what I mean? I can't imagine people bringing shit to the table. I sometimes wish I could get into a fight. Other times I don't believe in it. And some times I just am to tired to even think it. My mind has been racing, my back has been hurting, I am getting chest pains, heartburn, problems that I can't explain right now, and bad thoughts. I am even plagued by nightmares. Fuck. It's like I can't get any worse sometimes. Then all of a sudden, BAM, it's worse then ever. Every year seems like I get a little bit more pain added. With those extra bad days added into it. It's like 1:17am. I just removed two people from my icq list. Mainly because they are boring and wanna be's. So I said fuck them, took them off the list, and thats all there is to it. I add like 5 for every 5 I take off ;o) So it's all good. Maybe more, maybe less. Well I just wanted to say stuff. Onto deep stuff. ***** You may not want to read past this part. ***** I can't get the screaming and crying out my mind. The no's and the pain. I am not talking about my schizoaffective side or any of my mental illnesses. I am talking about when I told my dad on the phone about my Uncle Clyde passing away. Damn it was a hard thing to do. I still hear it. It's haunting me. I don't know what to do about it. I hear it when all is quiet. I never heard my dad in so much pain. Thats why I say "fuck god", because no true god would do that to anyone. Fuck it. I am gonna go to bed. I am waking up to go see a doc tomorrow. -chad- |
|
Surviving - 08/07/02 - Tuesday i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. three times the charm. Well...I don't know where to start. I am more fucked up them ever. Thanks a lot pdocs and god. You know you guys are for shit. Bastards mother fuckers. Ok enough of that shit. I miss Uncle Clyde. He was a good man and a damn good big brother for my dad. Even a father figure for my dad. I love my dad and it broke my heart. I had to hear my dad scream on the fucking phone. I had no god damn vehicle to go tell my dad to his face his brother died. I did it over the phone because it had to come from me. Not some fucking other person. Someone he loves more then life itself. I am not saying this to make it sound like I am conceited or that my dad loves me that much. I don't know. I know life is bullshit sometimes. Natural highs lately. Falling in love with Ashley...Getting a cool used car and sharing it with someone I love a lot, my mom...Knowing my dad is my real role model...Knowing I will never love anyone more as a father figure then my dad...Knowing my dad is a man who isn't afraid to cry in front of me. He didn't hide it. He made me hide it a couple times. Yelling at me. Feeling the emotions. Him being scared to see it. I don't know or can explain why my dad yelled at me sometimes for crying. I take it as a fear of his. He has a hard life. I love him for it. He makes me the man I am today. Hell no one is like me in this type of life. In a sportsman's paradise I don't eat meat, seafood, and dairy. Thats not cool down here. I also am against religions. Thats not cool down here. I am saving myself for marriage and that is a weird thing to do in the south. No real such thing as a southern gentlemen ladies. Those guys are fake as white boys. Let's see, what else? Well I don't do drugs. What? I don't drink alcohol. What? I don' smoke any cigars and cigarettes. What? you heard me bitch. I am clean. Thats not heard of down here. So what else? Well fuck it. If you haven't read this then what the hell are you doing here. MENTALLY ILL. People think I am mental or I am crazy or I am nuts. Hey trash! I am not like that. I am just suffering from severe things. They alter my moods, but not being silly. I inherited that from my Uncle Gene, cousin Patrick, and Uncle James. So fuck you guys. Also there ain't much else to add. I am tired right now. That's all. The film thing is starting to kick off. I might get that camera soon. I ain't sure. Things are slowing down for it. I don't know. Hey shortstuff, are you still reading? Shortstuff, please email me. I miss you. Ok? I tried emailing you, but I haven't heard back from you. Is everything ok? BTW I just farted. Anyways I am going to watch a movie. I love you mom, dad, and momo. I am living for three now and should have in the beginning. Know what I mean? I am stupid. I should have. -chad- |
|
Surviving July 27, 2002 you just left us, but you aren't gone. thanks. I don't know what to say. My Uncle Clyde is dead. He died of a Massive Heart Attack. I don't know. I can't say much about this. I know what it now feels like to lose someone very close to you. I lost my grandmother and my good Ol Uncle Chuck, but at the time I was on so much medication I didn't know what the heck was going on. I'm not gonna curse in this entry. Mainly to show respect for my Uncle. I heard him curse every once in a while, but I wanted to take something I do a lot and take it away to show I am there for my Uncle. He treated me like a son. Better then a lot of others. He cared a lot about me. So I only seen him less then once a month. Mainly when people died. But I did get to see him and thats what counts. I care about him and will miss him forever. I wish I could have said goodbye to him. Just one last time. -chad- R.I.P. Clyde Mallett |
|
Surviving - 07/09/02 - Tuesday losing a tough battle. what else is new? There is so much pain and games going on. I don't really give a shit about some people. And some I give a lot of thoughts to. But some don't resend vibes back to me. People don't even try to understand me. It's all about them and their fucking lives. One shout out, well two, goes to Ashley and Katt. Ashley thanks for standing by me. I really appreciate you a lot. You put up with a lot of shit in your life. So it means a lot to me. I totally have heart for you. I seriously do. I don't care who knows it and who talks shit about it. Also you Katt, damn. Finding the same love about death that I have. I understand and will stand by you. Email me babes. We can ease the pain together. Know what I mean? We could bullshit around and talk about our problems. We could just go out and say fuck you to all the american people. You being a Canadian you might enjoy that, hehe. I am starting to dislike my fellow people. I am about to take on the Euro American standards. Also my canadian background will be missed. Guess what? I got a guy friend on my icq list, lol. He is from a country I used to not care for. He hates Israel. So I now hate them too. I think for different reasons. So tip for the day. If you see someone from Israel...kick them! Well no don't do that. I don't know... You should for sure kick the government though. Hell yeah. Kick everyone around you. Just start being an ass kicker. Kick like your a one legged guy in an ass kicking competition. Know what I mean? Use that leg. Kick that ass. And I don't mean fighting you wanna be badasses. I mean shoving words into peoples faces when they treat you like shit. Whip some ass. Also don't smile at people. Just look at their feet. Like there is something wrong with their feet. Just keep starring at them. And they will be like, "Damn what the fuck is wrong with my shoes"? Know what I mean. Goodnite. |
|
Surviving - 07/05/02 - Friday fucked up world isn't a good place. it's a shithole. I don't know where the fuck to start. I might end up having to move this whole journal shit to a new site. One where it's uncensored so I can talk about all the pieces of crap in this world. Fuck I wouldn't know where to start. I am mentally ill in a normal world. What the fuck does that mean? Huh? I can't god damn meditate so don't ask me to. Don't ask me to take it easy. To think about it lightly. To be a good little boy. To be an angel. To go take a nap. To think light thoughts in a shithole existence. I am kicking them all out my head. Well for the time being. Know what I mean? I hope the whole fish thing ends up happening. Hardly any cares to know what that means. Hardly anyone cares to email me. Hardly anyone cares to ask me what the fuck am I wanting to die over. I am wanting to die over this life. The USA, Osma Bin Laden, assholes and bitches hurting my family, against racism IN ALL PEOPLE. Yeah right that white people are the only racist ones. Thats really true? Welcome to this town bitch. I am just wanting to make peace with this chemical in my brain. To tell it to slow down. To tell it to back off and let me feel what a regular and normal 23 year old feels. I want to be a regular guy. I want to be normal. I want to be able to hold a 9 to 5 job and just be "ok". Fuck, where is my ok at :( Does anyone have it? Can anyone save me? Am I destined to do the film gig? If you don't know what that means I will have to go over it with you right quick. I can't smile right now. I can't. I always fucking am smiling. You know when? When I am around other people. Does that god damn mean other people make me happy? No fucking shit. It does not. It means that my stupid fucking smile is from 'Social Anxiety Disorder'. Jesus fucking christ. My life is run by a chemical. I am not in here. Well yes I am. I am struggling though. You got to peek inside and see me bubbling out. I am a writer. I may not know any fucking good grammer or shit like that. I may not know anything at all. But I do have a drive for it and I will be doing it later in my life. Whether the world takes me in or not. Know what I am getting at? An off the wall mother fucker that is an embarrassment to the society. John Nash Jr was held back, because them fucks thought he was gonna do something stupid. They didn't give him the award. So fuck them. He gets it now though. Well earlier from now. A couple years ago. Maybe 5, 10 it don't matter. Cause he got it. My gurl Ashley just made me smile. So thats a plus. I think everything is starting to go down. So I am glad. I will call my sister in a bit to have someone to talk to. I need some kind of help. No damn hospitals because they don't do shit to help anyone. I want some great medication and a great atmosphere. Ashley thanks. I love you. If anyone gets jealous of that. Oh well. I do love her whether it's as a friend or more. I want to be her friend forever. I doubt it will happen. I keep driving her away from me. As I did Jamie, but I for sure want to meet and hug Jamie. Even if she wants me to not be in her life at all. I'd like to feel her heart beat against mine. Jamie I want to be with you, but you are not around. I can't afford to call. So I am home bound. Ashley is here all the time like you used to be. What happens when Ashley leaves? I am fucked again? I get mad at drop of a pin or whenever god tells my sister she is going to hell. What that means is the littlest thing can make me so damn angry and sometimes it takes a big fucking thing to do me wrong. Tired of reading? I ain't done yet. I don't have anyone to talk to. Its 11:32pm at nite at this very minute. And I am tired of some people in this town, plus I don't have the numbers of the good ones. I am gonna see my doctor the 16th. I am gonna tell him to help me out any way he can without a hospital visit. I don't have suicidal thoughts. Just wishes. Those two are very different. One you want to be dead and two you just wish you were. I just wish I was, but I am not gonna act upon it. I ain't going out a pussy. Now if someone you know has commited suicide. Then maybe it was the last resort. I feel if someone wants to take their own life they should be able to do it. Why should cops be allowed to stop them. Every 'Faces Of Death' I seen has suicides in it. You know what people are doing? Stopping the person because they love them. The cops are there, but it AIN'T none of your business. I said it. So any cops have a problem with that. Come and take some. Then I will take your badge. Well I am tired of writing for now. I am worn out. Goodnite and sweetdreams. |
|
Surviving - 05/30/02 - Thursday Hate This Place new 'Goo Goo Dolls' song. I'm tired of all this bullshit in my town. People sleeping around on other being. People being accussed of a serious crime. People getting beat up by white, spanish, and black trash. It's gonna stop soon. Next person isn't gonna be so lucky. I am telling you that now. Well fuck all that. Enough. I had a date with a friend. I will leave the name out of it, because it maybe private for her. She might not want to be known on the internet any ways. She's so beautiful and so sweet. I been liking her for a while now. I recently developed a huge crush on her lately. About two weeks ago, it went higher. The crush. Well I don't know. She just got out of a serious relationship and I am having suicidal wishes. It's just not gonna work out the way I see it. Plus she wants to date other people and I agreed to do the same. But if I do date someone else. That other person and me starting hitting it off I won't be able to date this crush no more. Know what I mean? I want to be a one woman man. It's the way I feel. It's the way I been for a while. I will flirt with whoever, but my heart will only belong to one. The one I miss is in another state. She is cool and great. I just wish she was here. If we'd hit it off in person, maybe then, we'd know for sure it was meant to be. I miss Jennifer a lot. I hope she reads this. She sent me a XMas day present. Signed card and a little Jester with a Jester Staff. It was so cool. Just like my site. She's amazing. She is so cool. Yet she doesn't try talking to me anymore. I am not sure what the problem is, but I will try to find out soon. If you are reading this Jenn please email me or icq me at 2676927. Maybe even contact me by yahoo: i_failed_in_life poetofdeadlypain cnote.rm bluehairedchad Well the date. It was amazing. I still have feelings for her and always will, but I am not looking to get hurt. Know what I mean? If you know me from email or icq, then you'd know what I mean about all this. Well I am about to log off. I didn't want to talk about any of this. Personal shit. *NEW* This is added on about 30 minutes later. I am seriously thinking about taking my family and moving out this town. I am tired of all these fucking people. They don't understand me. They don't fucking ask. They just smile sit back and drink their fucking drinks. Whatever. Thats all for now. |
|
Surviving - 05/08/02 - Wednesday i was cryin when i met you, i am dieing to forgot you... -aerosmith Well just adding a little bit before bedtime. Know what I mean? Well no one is in my life meaning a female. There is options, but nothing coming to mind. I am not sure about a lot. I am to messed up to be with someone really. I don't know. I am drowning in a pool of my own sweat. Know what I mean? Well let's see. I moved. There is many reasons for the move. All you should know is bad things equal good things. For the same price I am moving from a bad neighborhood to a good neighborhood with my sister and her fiance. We live together in a two bedroom apartment. It's a nice and cozy place. I enjoy it a lot. We are having a good time. I am still thinking though. Do you remember what the thinking means? If not... Here it goes. Thinking rushes into my mind constantly. Bringing on every feeling one can imagine. I rush through all emotions. To skip around a little bit I am going to see my old pdoc soon. I am tired of the one I am seeing now so I am going back to the one I had in the first place. I don't know what to think. I am scared. You know I have to be. All options being opened. Well I am hanging in there. Sometimes hurting worse then before. I got rid of three friends. They disrespected my mom and sister. So I told them to leave. I threw them out of my life. I don't want to look back on them. With that I am saying this. Don't hurt my family again. My upper back has been hurting for three or four days straight so far. About a week to two weeks ago I pulled a muscle really bad in my upper left side of my back. The pain was unbelievable. I couldn't think that it would hurt that bad. Well it's in the past now. Thats not why my back hurts right now. I just got finished moving, but I think this is gonna be for a while now. I think I will not get rid of this pain. It hurts bad. Anyone know how to massage a bad back? Email me! Well I don't know. I don't know where I stand on a lot of things anymore. My racist views are changing. Changing fast. I can't talk about that here. The website doesn't allow it. So I am gonna go on to another website and express it all. Hey the india chick from Canada. Would you please either email me or icq me? I miss you. I wanted to talk to you about the old stuff. Know what I mean? I will go by your old name. If you want to chat. Get in touch with me. ICQ# 2676927 or email cnote@rocketmail.com. Well bye for now! Later! -goodbye- -chad- |
|
Surviving - 04/14/02 - Tuesday I've realized one thing. How much I love you." -kid rock- Well not much is going on. Just felt like writing since there is no serious people online. I mean people that can talk serious without laughing. I just wanted one. That's all. Everything's so blurry. I don't know how to put it. I am tired of being this way. I don't know what it's like to be 23. Fuck. I mean what do you guys like to do? Do you have all happy weeks? Do you love your jobs? Do you like to drink? Go to parties? Have fun with your gurlfriend? Live your damn dream in life? Chad Andrew Kase, my alter ego. I invented him so I could give out my "last" name. Worked? Yes. People believe it's me. Although when I get to know them more they learn it's fake. I tell them that. So they can see I do trust them and do care about them. I think I will keep that as my pen name. I'd like to have it. I will think about it though. Give me time and shit. I am kinda getting lonely at times, but I think about stuff. Like if I did have a gurlfriend would my illness get worse? Would I always wonder about losing her? Lower self esteem? Hard luck? Like stressting to much to make her happy? Come on. That last one sucks. I will make her happy no matter what. Oh wait, I am sorry. I don't hit women, drink, do drugs, and cheat on them. I am a good guy. I won't get any Louisiana women. Well this sucks. I don't like anything I wrote in this "letter". Fuck it it's going on the site anyways. Oh well if I don't give a shit to delete it. Gulf Of Mexico? Is that a good place? Find it. You know "hard" isn't about being a bad ass. About not smiling. It's about fucking your drug head world up with my heart, mind, and soul. I am "hard" because I never killed myself or attempted to. I am "hard" because I don't do drugs and don't drink. I am "hard" because I am here being this way and getting hurt. I wish you knew what it's like to be mentally ill. I wish you could see how bad it hurts. I wish I could cry more. To realive all the pain. To let go of all the hate. I don't know. Fuck. I am going. See you later. -goodbye- -love- -chad- |
|
Surviving - 04/04/02 - Thursday Fuck The Needles. I Am A God. Respect It. Guess what? I won't tell you for a while. What I need to tell ya. LoL. I am gonna fuck with your mind for a while. Alright honey pants? LoL. Woo Hoo! I am tough. Figured it out yet? Guess not. If you want to know what's up and what FEAR I have conquered then listen up. NO MORE NEEDLE FEAR!!! I got an earing in my left ear!!! Can you fucking believe that shit?!?!? I AM THE MAN!!! HELL YEAH!!! Well that's all I wanted to say about that. Oh one more item. J-Me, wassup dawg. How's it going baby? Missing you. Better now. -goodbye- -chad- |
|
Surviving - 04/04/02 - Thursday Needles, needles, needles... Well this might not be a long one folks. I am just gonna babble a bit and then go to bed. It's 2am exactly as we write. So be patient and understand I am slow as a pill working in your mind. Whatever that means. Well nothing is new. I don't know. I am tired of a lot of bullshit. Can I say bullshit? Yes I can. It's a pay per view site, lol. Well I have my hate site up and running. It's gonna feature all hate shit on it. All white hate shit in fact. I might have to remove this from this site, because you know. This is not a freedom of speech website. Like my other. If you look hard enough you can find my hate site. The only think my hate site isn't against...well let's just jump to something else. I am talking to a chick right now. She is in to heavy metal. Hell yeah baby. You know what I like, lol. Sa Supa is her name, but you won't find her and I ain't gonna give her out to you. She is lame sometimes and a bitch, but I like her. Who doesn't like those fucking bitches with the god attitudes? Well me and most of you. But come on. It's the internet. I can talk about raping her and how much she stinks the cow shit. The next day she will talk to me like nothing happened. Gotta love free life and love, lol. You know I feel like the only bitches I want to talk to on the net are the ones with pictures. I don't want to play games. If they have a professional picture fuck em. They are probably lieing anyways. I look for shitty looking pictures. You know like the digital cameras all you losers have. See mine is nice. My mom bought mine for XMas. It's better then the one I wanted, hehe. Well I am gonna go. Fuck all of you. Just kidding. Fuck only the ones with the with the later z in your names. Yeah you know who I am talking about. -goodbye- -chad-andrew-kase |
|
Surviving - 03/13/02 - Wednesday Happy Birthday To Me, Happy Birthday To Me... Well first the good stuff. February 22nd was my birthday. A couple days before that I had a big suprise party. It wasn't even known by me. I was distracted by two friends until they beeped one of them. Then one of them asked to go out and eat. He said the Waffle House. I didn't feel like eating there, but I went anyways. I went in and there was all my friends and a birthday cake all lit up. I was shocked and suprised. I couldn't believe how cool it was. It was amazing. I love my sister for all that she did for this. It was the best birthday ever. They blindfolded me after we all talked and they took me on a long ride. It was to a strip club. I have over $100 to spend there. Some of my friends came and we stayed hours. I had fun there. It was so cool. I am so glad to have these people in my life. They are amazing and caring about me is awesome. Well not much else has been happening lately. I been depressed for a lot of reasons. One is that a nightmare sort of came true. I always didn't want my sister to get anything close to what I go through. Although it's not as bad she still has depression. I am so down about that. I don't want my sister to suffer, I should be the only one with this pain. Just me. Not my family. My mother and father have been suffering from it off and on for a while. I am the only one with different mental illnesses. I know you guys and gals may not understand. You never will. It's hard to explain. I am alone in all this. But let me tell you. I wish there was some way of taking the depression from my sister and putting it on me. I'd be willing to take two times as much pain if it meant my sister not having any of it. I know that may be hard to believe. Mainly because of you noticing how bad it is for me sometimes. I know it's bad, but my sister is more important then my life. My sister has so much to live for. She actually dates and wants children later in life. I don't date and don't want children. So I rather her live a happy life whether then with this depression. I am not saying she is real bad off. I am just saying even a sad day isn't cool for her. I don't want her to even experience a sad day. Well onto other things. Drugs have been coming up a lot lately. People been talking about it. Some starting to take them and some stopping it. I don't know what to think about it. I just wish I had a REAL sXe friend. I would love for one of my brothers and sisters to come down and be with me. Not meaning love. Just as a friend and family member. You don't know how alone I feel. With everyone smoking, drinking, doing drugs, eating meat, eating dairy, and having sex all the time. I don't hate these people and I don't not respect them. I just wish I had someone to be with in this time of pain. Someone that can understand. Sometimes I think I am the weirdest person in the world. I don't mean that in a bad way. Just look at this shit. I don't smoke, do drugs, eat meat, eat dairy, eat seafood, I don't have sex, I don't drink alcohol, don't believe in any god or gods, I have blue hair, I am addicted to porn, I love women, I never really dated anyone and I am 23, plus I am mentally ill. THREE MENTAL ILLNESSES!!! Well thats all the shit I could think of for right now. Anyone got any feedback on all that shit? Email me. If you can find my email addresses on these pages, then what the fuck? Well I don't know about this whole god thing. Sometimes I believe and sometimes I don't. I just think it's my whole mental illnesses shit. I mean it's like a bipolar person can't think straight. They have so many opinions on something and such an open mind. Check out this shit. I know these are all true. You won't get them. Didn't get those? I didn't think you would. Are you Bipolar and understood them all? Then email me. I am looking forward to hearing from you. Also I'd like to tell all my friends who read this "thank you". It means a lot to me that you take the time to read these. IF I HAD the mind set to read all ya'lls journals I would, but my attention sucks. That's why I don't stay in chat rooms anymore. I can chat on icq, surf the net, and listen to music all at the same time. It's a plus to be talking to at least 5 people at the same time. Well thanks for the talk Journal. See you soon. -goodbye- -chad- |
|
Surviving - 02/11/02 - Monday today was ok, but hopefully tomorrow isn't for shit I been saying some weird shit in these entries. Fuck. I don't know where I come up with that shit. But the best thing to do is tak |